Big love

Large life events have taught me a lot in...well...life. When I got married, I learned what it meant to put another before myself. I learned what good communication really meant, and how to accept incredible love from someone else. When I started my career in teaching I learned what it meant to pursue teaching life skills, not content. To encourage kids to think critically about the world, not just to follow directions because "that's what you're supposed to do." When I lost my friend to a tragic accident that in my mind still seems unfair, I learned that sometimes the greatest memory kept alive of that person is in your commitment to being the truest and best you possible. I also learned what real grief is. The kind that grabs you by the throat and squeezes so tight you think you'll never be able to breathe again. When I moved to California, I began to discover true authentic relationships. I discovered more of my adult self, and became painfully aware of the fact that I will not waste my time on things that are not of importance to me. When I had Denzel, I learned my inner strength. I learned what it meant to love outside of your being, and feel as though part of you was now in the outside world. I learned how much patience I can actually have, and how little sleep you can survive on. With the pregnancy of this second child, I've learned the importance of a positive outlook and attitude. How important that is for your and your child's well-being. I've learned what it means to be intentional, and to fight for the things that need to be fought for. 

Tonight though, I learned how beautiful and innocent a child's love can be. It is without expectation or reciprocity. It is without cause and needs no explanation. A child loves because it is in his very nature to do so. There are a lot of things I'd *like* to take credit for when it comes to Denzel. Like the way he uses his manners, or calls me out on my aggressive driving (true story). But tonight, I simply could not take credit for the innate beauty that showed itself. As we sat there reading a book, Denzel looked in my eyes, looked down at my belly and hugged him while I finished reading. "I love you, brother," were the only words that came out of his mouth. And I was in awe. 

They say pictures are worth a thousand words, but tonight, the true innocence I experienced was worth so much more than that. My precious baby boy, you are deeply loved by so many. But especially by your big brother. 

Just for today

Crisis averted! Tonight I almost had a nervous breakdown. Almost, being the key word. There were too many things piling up on my plate, and I wasn't able to digest any of it. In fact, even my digestion is having trouble these days! The most stressful thing though was this home study that I had to send to the family **tonight** to get to them before our visit on Friday, so they could look it over and make any necessary changes. With this home study, every time I open it up I find something else that needs to be added. It's been a nightmare. Particularly because their history requires a LOT of explanation and mitigation. If you don't speak home study, all that means is I had a deadline and there was more and more unforeseeable work that came up each time I worked on it. And of course, like the story always goes, the rest of the job doesn't ease up because you have one pressing project. If anything, more things come up (and they did today). So the time I set aside to complete this home study was taken by the other thing that took the rest of my afternoon. I was an hour, in traffic, away from Denzel, so I picked him up as school was closing. The daycare lady and I chatted about preschools, and Denzel didn't leave the toys right away-like every day. Traffic going home, nothing for dinner, went to grab something for dinner, waited in line FOREVER, finally came home and ate, and I almost broke. It was 7:30pm, D's bedtime, and we were just finishing dinner. Then Patrick called. I told him I'm stressed and can't handle anything anymore. Did I mention he's got a late night job tonight?! He said he would take Denzel to school tomorrow, even though he's working until midnight (or later), and I thanked him. Meanwhile, the home study still plagued my mind. At this point it's almost 8pm, Denzel is no where near being ready for bed, and I picked at my dinner while checking my email. Because someone who's stressed needs to check their email? I know, it's stupid. But exactly what needed to happen tonight. The family whose home study I was STRESSING out about is sick, and wanted to give me a heads up-in case I wanted to reschedule. #1: THANK YOU for thinking about pregnant me getting sick. I have some families that don't give me a heads up, and I show up at their house when ALL family members are hacking up a lung. THANK YOU for being considerate!! #2: Of course I'm going to reschedule!! And just like that, time stopped, I felt my cortisol levels drop, and my mind slowed to a normal pace. One single email changed the destiny of my night. I don't think that's an exaggeration. I was ready to be taken away on a 5150-a psych hold for those of you who don't know.

I know it sounds cliche, but I really get the sense that God knew something very very bad would have happened, had I not been relieved of...something, anything! But immediately...email...problem solved.

So tomorrow I'll deal with my food problems, my lack of appetite. Tomorrow I'll deal with feeling like I'm back in first trimester but now with a huge watermelon belly. Tomorrow I'll still have work to do, a kid to feed breakfast to, clothe, bathe, take care of. Tomorrow the dishes will still be there. And tomorrow I will figure out my game plan for childcare when the baby comes. Okay, maybe I won't accomplish all that tomorrow. But for today, I will try to sleep 8 hours and only be interrupted 3 times to pee. Today I will tuck my child in to bed and sing to him billions of times so he isn't scared. Today I will say, thank you Lord for taking care of me--sustaining me just enough for today.

What I have to give

My precious little boy,

Life is hard work, my love. Very hard work. Sometimes you get to experience beauty, sometimes incredible joy. Sometimes you may feel intense sorrow, and sometimes you'll want to just throw in the towel. There is one guarantee though-life takes work.

I don't mean work as a job or career, although that's pretty much a necessity. I mean work as in effort, attitude and perseverance. And if I could give you one bit of encouragement it would be this-it's worth it. It's worth your effort--it's worth the work.

Right now you're tucked away snug in my belly, and you make your presence known...well, often throughout the day. I actually appreciate it, as much as it is painful sometimes, because at least I know you're okay. Lately, I've been thinking often of what you'll be like, what your personality will be, how different you'll be from your brother. I've also been thinking of how I can best prepare you for life. I won't lie to you, it's really hard sometimes. But I will do everything I can to make sure you do okay in life. You should know though, that at some point it's up to you. I can teach you, and train you, and love you with all that's in me. But at some point you'll have to do it on your own.

For now though, I'll give you all that I have. I will give you every ounce of love that I can muster. I will give you patience until I break, and then I'll go back and try again. I'll give you safety, comfort, a family that loves you beyond your little baby understanding. And I'll give you all of me. I'm not perfect by any means, but I try the very best I can. And I won't give up on you. No matter your struggle, no matter your hardship. I will always love you.

So when, or if, you read this later on, remember that the things you work the hardest for, those are usually the things that bring you the most joy and fulfillment. You are that to me my love. You are that to me.

Love,
Mom

Real Intimacy.

I've had an ongoing affair for years now, with God. I know it sounds weird to say that, but it's become very clear to me that I've treated God as an on again off again relationship. When things are on, they're amazing, and they're powerful. When things are off, I do what I want, go my own way, spend very little effort or time with the Lord. Maybe you've had a similar experience. But recently my soul has been crying out for more depth, more authenticity, more of the life-giving relationship, that I'm pretty sure I don't even know. I've been binging on junk food religion, and it hasn't necessarily been fully conscious. I know what to say, how to say it, I know what I'm supposed to do, who I'm supposed to hang out with, what I'm supposed to pray...but all of that has come to a dead end. I've been really into health lately, so forgive the analogies, but I've eaten myself into disease-faith wise. My soul has finally rejected my "religion" and my view of "God" and will only settle for the raw, real, and true God. I think I've come to a crossroads where the doctor basically says to you, well, you can continue doing what you're doing, and your organs will fail one by one. Or you can change your lifestyle, and you will slowly begin to see your health restored.

If you know me well, you know that God has put this incredible passion on my heart for women/girls who are survivors of sex trafficking. I sought out this purpose on my life which lead to a change in career, a change in perspective, and continues to be almost like this mystery that I don't fully understand yet. I'm not where I thought I would be in this work, but the journey has been mind-blowing to say the least. Hear me out, it has not been easy. I left the dream I had of being a teacher, lost some friends along the way that never fully understood my decision, and still find myself with God-given dreams but dead ends. So the dilemma is that I know for a fact, God put this drive in me for a reason-I mean...I didn't choose this of my own accord. But every time I come across an opportunity, it seems too perfect not to happen. It seems amazingly planned by God...and it falls. through. completely. This has happened on a large scale twice, and there have been lots of little let downs along the way. So as you can imagine, I became pretty jaded. Tired of it all. Just done. I mean, Lord, if you're not going to make it work, what do I care?

To complicate things even more, I'm having another child. It's really only complicated because I have literally no plan, no idea what's going to happen after the baby comes. Meaning, financially it is OUTRAGEOUS for us to send an infant to full-time childcare on our current take-home. So then maybe I work part time? But then who do we send to school? Denzel or baby? Or both? What days? And where? Denzel will be preschool age by the time baby comes, so we have to start looking for a place for him, be thinking about the vital bonding time with new baby, and make it all work out financially, for our family, oh yeah...and for mine and Patrick's relationship. I cannot tell you the source of stress this has been, and finally it clicked one day. I realized that this baby will probably be our last, and I'm so concerned about what's going to happen after he comes. It was literally making me sick. Then I felt guilty for being sick with him, I felt guilty for crying and being depressed with him. It was awful. So one day I just decided to ditch it all. I remember someone asking me later that day, "What is your plan after the baby comes?" I said, "I don't know. I literally have no clue." Those words were freedom to me. I don't know. It sounds kind of irresponsible, doesn't it? Like I'm a bad mom, or something. I might have agreed with you before. But today I say-you're wrong. I'm in a place of "there is NOTHING I can do about this right now" so I'm choosing to do nothing. Nothing but be in the moment. And you know what? I've found great peace in that. Incredible peace, in knowing that God will make it work out, somehow. I almost don't even care how. I only care that it will be worked out.

Moving a few steps forward...in this whole process of changing my lifestyle, my soul is crying out for real authenticity. For real community. Real relationship. For the real God. I'm getting rid of the bullshit-and seeking pure wholeness, restoration, and reorienting myself with who God really is. Actually, reorienting isn't really the right word. It's more like starting over, starting a new. It's like I got a divorce, and have decided to begin courting all over again-in hopes that I will find a different outcome and a different relationship. Well, so far I have.

I'm starting to fall in love with a God who loves me in my nakedness. You know that vulnerable time when you're seen with nothing to hide behind? No clothes, no makeup, nothing. And what I get back is overwhelming love. What I see in his eyes is only love. In all my flaws and imperfection, I'm seen as beautiful, as perfectly created. I'm beginning to know a God who wants less small talk, and wants more authentic relationship. It's no more about the "I should read the Bible" or "I know I need to pray more." It's now about the condition of my heart, how I surrender myself to him, and the truth in how I'm feeling.

Today I think was a starting point for this new relationship I have with God. And I can tell this is lasting. What we had before-well, I just wasn't committed. And while I went my own way, did my own thing, God waited patiently for me. He knew I'd come around though. So now I begin my life with a new love-one that I'd failed in the past-but that I get to start over again. I surrender now and give myself fully to the one who never wanted the other garbage to begin with. Here I am, raw, undone, and tired of the show. I'm ready for real intimacy. I'm ready for the real God.

My littlest love

My sweet boy,

You have already captured my heart with your movement inside me and the lousy black and white pictures we got of you from the doctor. But I feel like I already have to apologize for what you're coming into. It's nothing extreme-I mean, you won't have FASD because I don't drink and none of my exams indicate that there's any struggle you're having at all. (I work in foster care, that's how I think-can't help it). But I still feel the need to apologize, nonetheless. You see, I thought I could do it all. I thought I could work full time (which is really turning out to be lots of over time), take care of your brother, be a wonderful wife to your daddy, follow Christ, have healthy friend relationships, work out, eat healthy, get your room ready, have fun planning where things will go and which clothes to hang up first. I thought I would keep up with my prenatal yoga, pray for you daily, talk to you all the time, and just sit in awe that the life that grows inside me is you-beautiful, unique, and perfect. But I'm struggling with literally ALL of those things I listed. All of those things that I so badly desire are not turning out how I planned this time around. Work is a big cause of my stress, which literally affects my health, well being, mental health, happiness, time...I mean, everything. And ultimately, it affects you. I know you feel when I'm stressed, when I'm tired, when I cry, when I'm angry or upset. You know when everything happens, and you really can't get away. I'm pretty certain that even as I battle this lousy cold, you're going through the very same thing with me. I'm sorry. I'm sorry I can't be stress free, work out as much as I want, or spend time just playing music for you and striking up a conversation. But know that I'm doing the very best I can. It's just that things are pretty stressful right now. But there is one thing that is very important you know. And that is, I would give my life for you. I love you more than my own mind understands, and we haven't officially met yet. I'm not a perfect mom- your brother will I'm sure tell you that later on-but I love you with every fiber of my being. And I'm honored to be your mommy. So, I'll keep trying to spend more alone time with you, and you do your best to only eat the nutrient-dense things I feed you-kindly skip over the occasional junk food meal :) I love you sweetheart, and can't wait to meet you, face to precious little face. 

Always your mommy,

Me

Hormones, chai, and unending love

Some days you just can't move past the emotional stronghold hormones have on the body. At least, when you're pregnant. I don't really remember feeling like that with Denzel. To be honest, I didn't feel much of anything when I was pregnant with Denzel-nothing but joy. But this little one? Whole. New. World. Instead of crying at precious things like movies or the beauty in life, I want to rip my hair out, spank my kid (and I don't spank), and throw something at the wall. That's how I'm feeling these days. Ha, and what's funny, is after reading that last sentence I instantly welled up with tears thinking that I could feel that way about my son. But parenting is a real challenge. Once you get a glimmer of peace-tonight it was an impromptu drive around Long Beach and quick stop for a decaf dirty chai...mmmmm..., it's trashed by a kid who woke up from a dead sleep and is screaming in the back because he has to poop. If it's not that, it's crying about milk, a blanket, Kiri stepped on his foot, or even that he wants "daddy to do it, not you mommy." It's enough to drive anyone batty. It doesn't help that I have NO patience lately. And I realize it's me. I know it's this pregnancy that's wearing on me. I know. I know I ask my husband to do everything just because I'm tired, don't feel well, or just don't want to deal with it. And graciously he obliges. I know it's me. But I must not be alone. I mean, I have one toddler. Only one. Some people have handfuls of kids and not a single gray hair. So it's possible. But today I just feel like I'm not cut out for this. Who thought it was a good idea that I would be a parent anyway?

Well, I guess it was in the plan. And truthfully I can say, after a few tears have wet my shirt, and my dirty chai is gone, that I have never grown so much in any other role than I have in my "Mommy" role. I have never worked so hard at anything as I have in trying to be an amazing parent-and I'm a damn hard worker! Never researched more about attachment parenting, co-sleeping, healthy diet, having a deep relationship with your child, and loving unconditionally than I have in this stage of life. Never agonized more about being patient, never been more intentional about what I say, how I say it, and the actions that follow. I've never looked into little eyes and smiled more than I do now. I've never worked harder on being a better person, a better woman, a better mom. And part of me thinks, what do I have left to give to this new, sweet precious boy? How could I possibly give more? What will sustain me? Logically I know the answer is the Lord. But if I'm being honest, I'm not 100% buying into that-at least not at this very moment. I'm not ashamed of my doubt-God loves doubters too. I know because he's yet to leave me high and dry. I can throw anything at God, and I'm only met with love. I mean, how am I supposed to live up to that as a parent?! But that was really all part of the plan too. Unsurmountable love, love that cannot be denied, love of my Father--my Daddy. It's the thing that breaks me down every time. The thing that draws me in, brings me back, reroutes my GPS. God's love. Something I don't fully understand, and yet have experienced in a way words cannot describe.

So maybe parenting, for me, is not something to fully understand. Maybe it's intentionally created and designed to help form me for who I'm intended to be. Because maybe I wouldn't be as complete had I not gone through the experience. I'm not saying for all, but for me. Maybe God knew that this experience is what I needed to live life more fully--to the extent that I was intended to live it. Maybe this was the only way that relationship, love and intimacy would be understandable for my doubting mind. Maybe. And maybe it's okay to be honest about where I am at the present moment, because tears, a good chai, and reflection are all important. All a part of being a parent. To one, or two...or how ever many I'm supposed to love. And maybe that precious sleeping face, with both feet out of the covers, and a car he insists on sleeping with--smashed into his face--maybe that's the only image I need of love that can endure even the hardest of days. Maybe love is really all you need.

The New Normal

I sometimes wonder what a normal life would look like. What's normal you ask? Well I guess it just depends on the day, but today I feel normal would be working at a place with predictable hours. Having a career where you can walk away after working 8 hours and not worry about how a family is doing with a new family member that beats other children. Or being able to step away from work long enough to not respond to emails, JUST so you don't see a "142 Unread Messages" next to the Inbox tab. I wonder what it would be like to get home at a decent hour-not leave the house at 7 and return at 7:30pm. I wonder what it would be like to just participate in church activities instead of "lead" them, or be the "head." I wonder what it would be like to feel like I've got enough time in with my family, and can spend time with just friends. I wonder what normal health would look like. You know, when you're pregnant and glowing because you're actually feeling great-that normal. I wonder what a date night looks like with the love of your life. I wonder how normal people keep up with the dishes, with the paperwork, with the Christmas shopping. I wonder how people even make time to get more conditioner. I've been out for days.

I list this all out and realize that others wish they had a "normal" life like me. Maybe because someone they love is sick, or hospitalized, or they're out of work when they wish they weren't. I get that. I'm not complaining. Really I'm not. I'm just overwhelmed. So today I wonder what uneventful, normal looks like. It's been a while since I've felt that normal, and sometimes it's just tiring to keep up with life.

But maybe I don't really want "normal." Maybe normal is boring and gives a feeling of no purpose. Maybe normal is unfulfilling. Maybe normal doesn't encompass God's beautiful and precious plan for an individual life. Maybe normal was never the plan to begin with.

So for now I'll live with chaos, with stress, with the go go go, and with constant adrenaline running through my veins. And somewhere in the "abnormal" maybe I'll see the waters begin to calm.