We're expecting our new little guy any day now, most people know that, but I wanted to be clear about our attitude and expectations about this going in. It sounds sort of blunt and rude, but I really think that being clear about what we want is better than people getting their feelings hurt later. And if you read this and still get your feelings hurt...that's on you :)
My labor with Denzel was long and hard. Very very hard. 42 hours, and I ended up with an unwanted c-section. But it didn't end there. After recovery my heart rate wouldn't go back down so they thought I had a blood clot and spent DAYS testing me. You can read the story
here if you'd like. It's not a normal story, but I think it taught me that you can have a beautiful, glorious pregnancy, and in the end being flexible is inevitable. Life with a child doesn't always go how you planned. Denzel taught me that from day one.
Anyhow, because of that experience, I'm sort of left with my ideal dream of natural childbirth, and then...the rest of the unknown. I have no fear about the unknown, Patrick and I will take things as they come, and I know God has our back. We have a huge community that will be praying, family and friends that are extremely supportive...I'm not worried at all. But I do want to sort of lay out what we'd like to see in this experience.
1. Giving birth is a moment that I want to share with my husband. I think it's intimate, personal, and I want to allow time and space for that. We plan to have birth helpers (doula, etc.), but in my mind those people are just there to assist in the process, and keep it sacred. They aren't there for themselves, they're there for us.
2. Immediately after the baby is born, Denzel will be the first person to meet his new brother. Now, if it's 2am, we plan to wait until he wakes up and eats breakfast. Or if he's going to bed or whatever, we aren't going to disturb him. But he will be the first to meet his brother. It's our new family, and he's a top priority. I want him to know that, I want him to feel special in meeting his brother, and I want to give him ample time without disruption. Denzel has made a gift for his brother, and his brother has "made" a gift for Denzel. This is their time, no one else's.
3. After Denzel is extended family and friends as time and energy allows. I plan (ha ha, we'll see how that goes), not to be in the hospital for long. So we probably won't have time to have all the visitors that want to come while we're in the hospital. (I'm actually okay with this by the way.) Please just be understanding.
4. When we get home, again, please be understanding if you ask to come visit and we don't answer right away, or say no, or suggest a different time. I've heard two kids is a game changer--that's just what I've heard. So don't be hurt if the visit is short. In the same regard, we may want some friend time after being with baby a bunch. We'll just sort of have to see.
5. I feel like this is probably an important thing to say, as people all feel different on this issue. I plan to breastfeed. It may not be in the other room. In fact, it probably won't be. And I may not use a cover. If that bothers you, don't look, or excuse yourself. I won't force you to be there if you feel uncomfortable, duh. And I won't think less of you either. But I openly nurse. So just know that.
6. This is actually a request of mine: please check in with Patrick. He will be every bit as involved in the birthing process as I am, aside from actually pushing :) I'm not exaggerating at all. In fact, he might even be doing more, as he coordinates all the friends and family, etc. Will you make sure he's ok? Just check in with him. Make sure he's taken care of. Maybe he just needs a cup of coffee, or a sandwich, or a shoulder rub. He might need you to go fill up the car with gas, or pick up Denzel from school, or get his pillow from home. Will you take care of him for me? Because he will be focusing on me and baby, and I want to make sure he's taken care of too.
Maybe this isn't necessary to say, I don't know...but with Denzel, I was neurotic about people holding him. NEUROTIC. It literally made me anxious...like, physically. I remember my grandparents holding him in the hospital and my mind immediately went to this place, "They're going to drop him, he's going to have a head trauma, he'll be developmentally impaired for the rest of his life, I'm going to resent my grandparents...etc. etc." Did you laugh? (I can laugh now), but this is not a joke. I LITERALLY went through that thought process in the hospital with every. single. person. Then when I was home I thought, "I have to let my parents and Patrick's parents hold the baby. He's their grandchild," and I could not walk out of the room. I had more anxiety than I've ever had, ever, and I'm not really prone to anxiety. Top that off with some latching issues, a little baby blues the first night home, and I was a hot mess. Looking back, I think our attachment time was interrupted because of my heart stuff in the hospital, and that's probably what contributed to my neuroticism. My mom confirmed that she saw this too, and so did Patrick, so it's not something I made up or am exaggerating about. Thankfully they didn't tell me they witnessed this until recently. Had they told me at the time I might have flipped. So, I guess I'm giving myself an out for the way I could potentially act?? HA! Lame right? But you just never know what the circumstance or hormones do to you. I would have never guessed to act like that in a million years. Hopefully this birth will be better...but if it isn't...don't take anything personal :) Give me 6 months to recuperate, and then we can laugh about it together :D
I want to thank you in advance for everyone who has shown so much love already. We've had several requests to send a quick note when labor begins so you can pray-thank you. Many people have already offered help of any kind, whenever we need it-thank you. Thank you, thank you. We're so excited to meet this little guy, and know that he'll be born into a huge community of support and love. Okay sweetheart, we're ready for you :)
