Let's talk about crying. Because my 2 year old is doing it right now, and I really want to join him.
I can't handle my child crying for more than like 30 seconds. My body becomes physically ill when my child cries. It's not quite as strong when it's another child, but still my body reacts-a physical reaction. This is not a statement of judgment, it's just a fact-I can't handle crying in a leave-it-alone kind of way.
You know what's really bad? Both of my children crying at the same time, and me being the only one around. Or another adult helping me, but they are unsuccessful in making one child stop crying. It makes me want to scream. On the inside it feels like I might explode. Like I want to scream at the top of my lungs. Not really out of anger, just out of I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO! Is that an emotion?? And if the houses weren't so close together here, I actually might do that. But can you imagine the headline, "Foster care social worker's kids taken by DCFS." Yeah, that would be awesome.
I actually remember a moment a couple weeks back (when I felt a little more frazzled than I do today) when life was a tornado. Both kids crying, I hadn't slept in God knows how long, and I looked at Patrick--clearly at the end of my rope--and said, "This is why kids are in foster care." Now wait, before you start sending me your PPD drugs and numbers to a great therapist (I already have one, lol), hear me out. I have everything I need to be a "successful" parent. I have a job, a partner who is extremely involved as a parent-who also has a job, a house, a yard, a dog, food, clothes, happiness...it's all there. And I still feel like this. Imagine if the stress of having *only* two children was compounded by homelessness. Or unemployment. Or the feeling of being unsafe. What about being a victim of violence in your home? Can you imagine? I can't. I really can't.
It was in that moment after I said that to Patrick that I realized the power and the weight of what I just said. There was a huge shift in my heart in that moment. Instantly empathy poured out of me for all the parents that I've dealt with in the foster care system. I mean, I have to believe they're doing the best they know how. Are they frustrating to deal with? Ab-sol-ute-ly. No one likes being cussed out, or threatened. And it's pretty easy to think, "Well parent, you're upset, but you put yourself in this situation." But for me, I realized quickly that parenting is hard. It's fucking hard. Can I say that? You know it's true. Some put on a better face than others, and some are just dealing with a whole set of circumstances people like me (read: privileged, middle class) know nothing about. What I do know though, is that I have a whole new appreciation for the fellow parent-the drug user, the can't-keep-a-job, the has-thirteen-kids-because-it's-her-identity-now-and-maybe-she'll-be-able-to-keep-the-next-one...I can empathize with the fact that parenting is hard. But it can be done...with support. So maybe we just help one another up out of the depression. Maybe we tell one another, "You can do this" or "I'll watch your screaming kid for 30 minutes while you go grab some lunch by yourself," or "I'll clean your kitchen tomorrow." We need one another. And we certainly need each other in this parenting gig. So let's be less judgy and more empathetic toward the fellow parent. Let's help each other when the little ones are a little too much, and a lot when the teens go bananas. Parents...UNITE!
**I want to thank the friends and family who have specifically helped me as I start over in figuring out parenting with two instead of one. Some key people have been encouraging even just by saying, "I know you said you feel off, but you were acting very normal tonight," or "Tell me what I can do to help," or have made meals, have given hugs, told me to see my therapist again. EVERYTHING has helped me get through this rough patch day by day. All of it. Thank you, a million times thank you. And thank you for understanding that I need community-we need community-to thrive and live healthy lives. So blessed by you all.**
(Didn't realize I posted this under Patrick's profile. Sorry husband. You put up with a lot, but I won't make you take the fall for all this emotion :)
