I need a support group. Really, I feel like I do sometimes. You see, being a mom is hard work. I know, I know-duh Andrea. I know they say your life will never be the same, and all sorts of other cliches, but I'm now starting to feel like I don't measure up.
This morning I went to breakfast with my friend Stefani. I love Stefani. I was so excited to see her and spend some quality time, but I'm not sure that it was quality time per se. You see, I had to take D, and the fact is I just can't focus on anything fully when I have him. I try. Lord knows I try to focus on the conversation, on ordering my food, heck! on eating my food! But I can't. This is literally what goes on in my head...
-When was the last time he ate?
-Which side did he eat on last? (It matters!)
-Is he making noise because he needs his diaper changed?
-Oh my gosh, where is the bathroom?
-If he has a blowout, I don't have any extra clothes for me, I'll have to go home.
-Does the bathroom have a changing table? (You'd be surprised at how many don't)
-What can I eat that requires little utensil-usage in case he gets fussy and I have to hold him on my lap-which leaves only one hand?
-Is this a quiet place or a loud place?-I mean I don't want stares from people that are mad there's a crying baby.
-How far away is this place from home?
But wait, there's more...
-He's frowning, is he going to cry? Is he going to scream?
-He's going to want to eat-where can I feed him?
-I prefer a booth so people behind me don't see my back.
-There aren't any booths, I've gotta make due with these little garden chairs.
-Does he still have both socks on? Both shoes? Those things cost as much as mine!
-He had a boogar in his nose a second ago...great, it's probably on me now and I can't see it.
Then the ordeal that I call "feeding in public."
-Yes he cries before he latches, no I don't know why. He's got a short frenulum-it frustrates him. Pretty sure that's what it is.
-Baby legs and arms flailing about
-Snorting (him, not me)
-Latching, unlatching, latching, unlatching
-My kid is a messy eater
-Get my shirt out of his way...he's a messy eater
-Now he's crying, I really wish I could just feed him w/o this hooter hider, we all know what boobs look like...yeah buddy, even you who is giving me a mean stare...don't pretend like you don't know.
-Now he's choking, gotta lift him up
-Now he's gagging, gotta lift him up again
-Quit grabbing my shirt, D
-He's frustrated and he's moving his head all around...still attached
-Let's not bite mom!
-Latch, unlatch, latch, unlatch
-Eyes are getting heavy
-Asleep, finally. Wait...no, he is aslee...no, now he's definitely...oh come on, just go to sleep.
-I unlatch him, he spills whatever milk is left in his mouth all over me-click strap, pull down shirt, get kid out of the "veil"-lol, take it off me, burp baby, and...
"Oh yeah, this weekend we don't really have much planned. How about you?"
Do you see what I mean? So no, it's not hard manual labor (unless you want to count all the baby crap I lug around on a daily basis), but it's exhausting. Do I bring the ergo? He always hates it at first. Should I put him in the stroller? Maybe I could just carry him in real fast-but then I'll only have 1 hand-do I need both hands for anything?
It's non-stop. And I do it because I love him. I take him out of the car seat and stroller because its not good for his soft little noggin'. I change his diaper constantly because I don't want him to get diaper rash (and he hasn't by the way). I talk to him face to face because it's important for his development, his growth and his personality. But it's tiring. And the thing that makes me most sad is I can't multitask anymore. When I yearn to catch up with a friend over coffee, I can't give my complete attention to my dear friend. When I want to talk to my husband about his day on the phone, I can't because I'm feeding D and he's struggling to latch. It's hard. And I don't know how to get better at multitasking like this. It's really hard for me to swallow that reality. I used to be a MASTER at multitasking. I could sing lyrics to a song I know while reading an article. I could do the dishes, listen to a podcast, talk to the dogs and tell you everything that was on the podcast. I could listen to a student, write an email (I know that's not good listening) and still tell a different student everything they need to bring to the next concert. Master's in Multitasking-I should've gotten it. Now I'm lucky if I hear the whole sentence from the person in front of me. Total bonus points if I come up with an answer in a complete sentence! I need help.
I've been a mom for 2 months and already I feel inadequate at everything else. Don't feel like such a great mom sometimes either...right when I feel down, I see that lady. You know the one I'm talking about, with her cute little dressed baby, quietly eating from a bottle-mom talking to her best friend, mom is stick thin, makeup done, hair beautiful-better than what I can do on a day I didn't have to worry about a baby. Sigh. Maybe I'm just not cut out for this. Or maybe I should stop looking around at everyone else, and look down at my beautiful child-who is healthy, so handsome, and has the sweetest personality. Wow, I can hardly believe he's mine. It's almost like I don't deserve him-boy, am I blessed.
I'm not perfect, I'm clearly new at this mom thing and I feel super inexperienced, but it is what it is. I should be able to figure it out eventually, right? (At least in 18 years :D)
As for Stefani? Well, she's an amazing friend who is giving beyond belief and supportive when no one else is. I'm sure she understood my dilema this morning. Love you, friend :)
I raise my Starbucks (hot because I was too distracted to remember to say "iced") to all the other moms out there that feel pulled in every direction. Here's to keeping the kids alive...oh and getting dressed once in a while too :)
