No words

G,

You'll have to excuse me and my poor way with words tonight. I just came from the hotel bar where myself and a BUNCH of others toasted to you. It was kind of weird though without you there, because it was totally your kind of party. A bunch of choral people, drinking, laughing, loving...it was definitely your kind of party.

I'm sure you saw (in some way or another) the service held in your honor today. It was beautiful. But I'm not going to lie, it was really draining. I don't remember grieving that deeply for anyone else in my life thus far. I'm going to choose to be grateful on that one. There were so many different perspectives spoken tonight. All about your childhood, your career, the lives you've touched, the love you spread to so many. A couple of things really spoke to me tonight. Things that made me realize how intimate of a relationship you and I had-you also had that with so many. So many people I didn't know-you touched their lives in such a similar way to mine. And it's funny because while that could be taken as me not feeling special or unique, I actually see the scope of your influence to surpass maybe even more than you knew! Or maybe that was your intention all along-to get to the innermost person and be deeply connected to the core of who they are. Either way, your sphere of influence was great. And just like A said, "I don't like speaking in the past tense"-neither do I. I think your influence continues to perpetuate forward. Each one of the people you knew is better because of you. And M charged us all to be responsible in carrying that forth into the world. I'm going to. And I'm certain many more just like me will as well.

It still feels weird to see all these choral folk, Jon, and not you. Not sure how long I'll feel that way. Or if I'll ever get over it. But for now I'll use this medium to share with you what I always would in person. There are so many things I wanted to share with you tonight. Stories that I know you would crack up over, moments watching C be hilarious, and mindless shenanigans that always ensue around the choral folk. (I shared the kissing love spot story with her by the way. She laughed and didn't remember at all, lol!) So many things I wanted to share with you, as I always have. But you're not there for me to tell these things face to face. So I trust that somewhere, somehow you just know. You know what went on tonight-to see how much people loved you (and their stories of how much you loved them). I trust that you saw how deeply moved people were to have known you. 

I know you live on, and will continue to do so because I met S for the first time tonight. She told me how she's been teaching for two years and isn't quite sure if she's in the right place. She said you told her that she has to talk to me, so she's been asking all your friends where to find "Andrea." We chatted for a little bit tonight-and what a cool person. I gave her my email address, and I'm really hoping we keep in contact. She told me that you've been mentoring her, and she feels it an honor to be the last mentee you had. I remember that feeling-every time I walked away from us hanging out I felt stronger, better, more empowered, and so loved. I remember that so clearly.

I had some interesting encounters too with people of my past. I talked briefly with L before the service started, told her I was doing foster care and adoption social work. She didn't say much at the time, but then I saw her after the service and she sought me out. She said I was an amazing teacher and that there are students out there that are missing out because I'm not teaching. Pretty incredible what she said actually. I don't feel great at all around all these other "greats." On the way to Tucson I asked Patrick if I made a mistake by leaving music. He told me I could always go back. And I've really given thought to it, but here are some of the other interactions I had tonight. KT of all people came up to me and wanted to tell me how much she admired the fact that I left teaching for purpose of a heart's calling. Kinda random, and yet, wow. Wasn't expecting that at all. PM also said a similar thing and wished me well. S and I had an incredible discussion about how you-you, were the only one that got it. You were the only one that supported my decision to leave teaching, to follow my heart. And I'll be honest G, I'm not entirely sure where this call on my life is going to end up, but I know big things are ahead. Selfishly, I'm sad I can't share those with you over coffee or drinks. But truthfully, I feel spurred to become better, to become more influential, and to create greater change in this world. I remember you once said, "We teach music, we're not curing cancer." And yet, the power of music-what brought us all together today-that is a powerful, powerful force. So maybe it's closer to curing cancer than you think. 

What an honor it is to know you. Yes, that's present tense. To me, you live on. That's not denial, that's an intentional statement that I plan to carry forward from today. It is an honor to have shared these many years with you in this capacity. From the moment that you congratulated me for making it into All-State Jazz as my student teacher, to the night I dropped you off at the Long Beach airport for one of your many trips back to Stockton just a couple of months ago, and beyond. I carry you with me. I always will. Thank you for believing in me, for loving me, for setting me up for success, for encouraging my potential, for teaching me about life, for being the example I aspire to be. Thank you for laughing with me, hugging with me, sharing with me, and being compassionate with me. How remarkable you are.

Love always,

Andrea

To: G

German,

I can't fall asleep tonight, even though my eyes are burning so badly. You see, I got a call from a friend today telling us that you had passed away. That you were gone. It didn't make any sense to me, so I texted Sandy. When I saw her immediately show up as the pending call, my heart dropped. There was a lump in my throat. She said that you had a stroke and died in Italy. She said Matt called her, and I cried even harder. I somehow wanted to believe that Sandy was mistaken, that she heard a rumor from a Mesa High student, and you know those crazy Mesa High kids :) But she said Matt called her. Matt's your best friend. The rest is sort of a blur. I think I felt it necessary to tell as many people as possible, so I didn't have a chance to sit with my emotions. That didn't really work. I texted with some friends I haven't talked to in a while, and it doesn't make sense, G. I was just dropping you off at the airport a couple of months ago after a good coffee talk. We had just talked about life, and discussed huge decisions (like they always seem to come up when we're together). You had just admired Denzel and told me how beautiful he was, and smart. You had just hugged me and said, "Thanks friend."

I looked through some of your pictures on Facebook, and I increasingly could not make sense of the news I was just given. I even told Patrick, "But he's right here (pictures on the screen), how can he be gone?" I don't get it. It doesn't make sense.

I've known for 3 hours now, and I expect it to get better, but right now I can't really deal. It seems so surreal, so dreamlike. It doesn't make sense. German, you were the one who taught me about life. You taught me how important it was to feel, to express, to dream, to love, to inspire, and to follow your calling. You taught me that. I looked up to you when I was 16, when you were my student teacher. You had a passion for music that paralleled your passion for making a difference in lives. I saw you grow as a teacher when I was in college, and even had the honor to be your student teacher. What a blast we had! Do you remember all the jokes we made that only you and I got? Do you remember how much coffee was consumed before PLCs, concerts, finals? Do you remember the deep conversations we had, not just about music and teaching, but about life and purpose? Taking over your program at MHS was really hard. Those kids worshipped you. And rightfully so, I was doing my best, but you were a tough act to follow. And yet, you NEVER allowed ANYONE to speak badly about me. You set me up for success, just like you always did. You believed in me so much, from day one, through my student teaching, and through my career change. Of everyone, you were the one who accepted me as Andrea, not "Andrea who was supposed to be an amazing choral teacher." You supported my decision to follow my heart's calling, supported me, and encouraged me the whole way. My mentor German became my friend.

We continued to get together whenever possible, both in AZ and CA. I still think it's hilarious how Jon knows Patrick and I know you...crazy. I was overjoyed when you sent me the picture of your rings. I'm so sorry friend, that you weren't able to say your vows to the man you loved. I can't stop thinking about him and feeling so helpless that I live 20 minutes away and have no idea how to help him. I'll make sure to check in with him often.

I'm really writing you because the tables have turned. I'm now the one who needs therapy, needs direction, needs some coping skills, and this is the best thing I could come up with. Because you see, I would have loved to have said goodbye. I never thought there was a goodbye so close ahead. I was so looking forward to the day you'd be here in Long Beach, which was soon! I was looking forward to hearing all about your trip. I never planned to say goodbye, but I need some way to tell you what you did for me. Because it's no small miracle that I am who I am today largely because of you. Ironically, I'm sitting here with no words to say thank you, because there aren't elegant words enough. Or maybe I don't want to believe we won't ever have another coffee date, or text each other with big life changes anymore. I don't want to think that the impact you had on your sphere of influence has stopped momentarily. I can't bear the thought that Denzel won't be able to know you when he's old enough to appreciate your wisdom. And I refuse to believe that it stops here. Because as much as I can't come to grips with you being gone, I REFUSE to let your influence stop. You didn't only change my life, German, you taught me how to live. So while you continue to sing with that incredible voice of yours, the ripple effect of you will continue for generations to come. See, because I plan to carry all that you've taught me and spread it wherever I can. I can't even imagine the numerous lives you've touched through music making, through relationship, through the intimacy of knowing you.

Facebook is blowing up with pictures of you all over the place. It's hard to see you every where and think that pictures are what remain. You will forever remain in my heart, and in my mind.

I love you, G,

Andrea