Aware of the beauty

Today I experienced incredible beauty. I sat in a circle of women for Bible study, at 7:30am on a Saturday nonetheless, and I got a mere glimpse of humanity at it's finest-raw, real, vulnerable, precious, funny, serious, tender, but above all, it was beautiful. This group of women continue to pour out their hearts in struggles of every day life, in the victorious moments, and in pointing out how much we really are like each other. (And how often we feel like we're alone in that thinking, or this action!) I heard woman after woman describe their own instance of feeling sub par, less than, or just boring. This morning though, God let me see each of these women through his eyes. I saw beautiful diamonds, and what they saw of themselves was a work in progress, a dull stone.

Later this afternoon, Patrick's parents came over to work on our garden and organize our garage. RIGHT?! I know you're jealous (and you should be!). They came over just to help. It was the most incredible blessing because Denzel was sick, really clingy, and didn't get much of a nap. So he and I laid on the couch while they worked. What incredible sacrifice (NOT ME! Them of course!!). This act of glorious generosity would be enough, but what's more, is they let me and Denzel stay the night when it was 100+ one day (and we have no A/C), Jane watched Denzel the next morning while I went into work, AND dinner was made for us by 6pm. If that's not beautiful sacrifice show in incredible love, I don't know what is.

This afternoon I also had a chance to Skype with two of my college roommates. It was so good to see their faces. We laughed, made small talk, but then got down to some deep stuff. Some life-purpose stuff. And just like that, I saw the glimmer of light shine through for my friend who feels she's in a dark place. Her sense of the unknown, of feeling utter despair--I've been there. In fact, I was there just a few months ago. It's hard. No. It's impossible. And at the risk of sounding disturbingly morbid--that, that feeling right there is beautiful. Because that is real. This is real life, those are real emotions, and God does not make us void of emotion. He does not create us and say follow me like a blind bat-I'm sorry I don't believe that. I think God creates us, intricately, and uniquely to experience relationship with him in a very real way. And I can say this now, now being on the other side-that despair is beautiful because there's so much room for the beauty of God's purpose for her life, the beauty of Him giving her direction, a vision, and trajectory. There's beauty in the potential. And for that reason, I see the light at the end of the tunnel for her.

Denzel is sick, and he's been sort of up and down in mood. He'll be jumping around for a couple of minutes, then laying on the floor the next few with his ban-ket. It's been a patience-building day for me as he refuses to sleep, refuses to listen, and even slapped me in the face a couple of times. Yes, even sick kids get to sit in time out in our house. But as I caught myself cleaning, and doing mindless things, I realized what I actually needed to be doing was just being with him. So I did. We watched multiple kid shows on Netflix (he NEVER has screen time because he's 1.5, but I felt that this sickness justified being a bum), played catch, watered the plants several times, laid on the floor together, fed Kiri, ate dinner ourselves, and laughed at a lot of silly things. I was reminded again of a new perspective as we read about the little children coming to Jesus in his Toddler Bible. Jesus saw the beauty and the innocence in children. He welcomed that, and challenged everyone else to do the same.

Today I saw incredible beauty, but became painfully aware of how much I miss beauty all around me every day-in every one and every thing. Not any more. I see too much pain, daily, to miss the beauty-God's beauty-evident in all things created by his hand. You. You were created by God. And you are beautiful. What would your life look like if you started to believe that truth?

You   are   beautiful.

It's a weird thing to think right? How hard we are on ourselves about our career, lack of career, lack of direction, wrong direction, raising children, not having children, hating our spouse, loving our spouse, wishing we had a spouse, wishing we looked different, had a different education, more friends, less health problems, more confidence...I could go down this path all day. But what if, you recognized those things as separate from how God sees you. He sees beauty when he sees you. So live in it. Live in the beauty, and forget the rest. Fix your eyes on the maker of all things beautiful, complete, and whole. Today, choose beauty.

Life changed for me 20 months ago

20 months ago, my life changed in the most incredible of ways. I became a mom to the most incredible little boy. Of course you expect me to say that-I gave birth to the kid-but he really is a remarkable person.

I was looking back on how it all happened...and maybe if you're pregnant for the first time you shouldn't read this...I don't want to scare anyone away :/ The fact is, my birth story was a little...extreme? I know there are some worse ones, but I've heard plenty of easy peasy birth stories too, so just know every person is different. And even after all that I went through-going all the way to 41 weeks, being 190 pounds (I see your eyes bulge out of your head! I can laugh about it now, so don't feel bad), going through a 40 something hour labor unmedicated, ending up with a c-section...my arch enemy at the time, having heart issues in the hospital, struggling to bond with Denzel, etc. etc....do you know that I would do it all again? Is that insane or what?! I would do it all over again.

STOP. I'm not pregnant. So don't ask me, because I will assume you think my belly looks pregnant, and I might just slug you. No baby in there, just the aftermath of my son. Yes, it looks like world war III on my body, but meh, whatevs. He was worth it.

In these 20 months, Denzel has taught me that I have FAR more patience than I ever gave myself credit for. He taught me priorities in life, something that I continue to keep sacred at all costs. And he taught me that the relationship between a parent and their child is one of the deepest, most intimate things you can experience here on Earth. When I look at him, I see God's love for me in the purest form. I know it sort of sounds selfish, but truth be told, he has taught me way more than I can take credit for in teaching him. And he keeps growing. Keeps learning. Keeps loving.

Denzel is one of the most loving children I've met. He regularly asks for hugs and kisses, lays his head on his daddy's shoulder any chance he gets, and shows incredible empathy for people when they get hurt or are upset in some way. He is more than I could have dreamed of. Of course he has tantrums (although they're not that big a deal), and he gets sick, which requires sleepless nights and super cranky parents, he even doesn't listen from time to time...he's human. But his spirit is remarkable, and continues to flourish and develop into the man that God designed him to be. Even before I had thought about having children (that was most of my life, ha ha ha!) God had a plan and a purpose for this beautiful boy. What an honor it is to see that plan unfold before my very eyes.

I love you baby. You have made me a better person, a more caring individual, and have restored my faith in human kind. I love you.