Big love

Large life events have taught me a lot in...well...life. When I got married, I learned what it meant to put another before myself. I learned what good communication really meant, and how to accept incredible love from someone else. When I started my career in teaching I learned what it meant to pursue teaching life skills, not content. To encourage kids to think critically about the world, not just to follow directions because "that's what you're supposed to do." When I lost my friend to a tragic accident that in my mind still seems unfair, I learned that sometimes the greatest memory kept alive of that person is in your commitment to being the truest and best you possible. I also learned what real grief is. The kind that grabs you by the throat and squeezes so tight you think you'll never be able to breathe again. When I moved to California, I began to discover true authentic relationships. I discovered more of my adult self, and became painfully aware of the fact that I will not waste my time on things that are not of importance to me. When I had Denzel, I learned my inner strength. I learned what it meant to love outside of your being, and feel as though part of you was now in the outside world. I learned how much patience I can actually have, and how little sleep you can survive on. With the pregnancy of this second child, I've learned the importance of a positive outlook and attitude. How important that is for your and your child's well-being. I've learned what it means to be intentional, and to fight for the things that need to be fought for. 

Tonight though, I learned how beautiful and innocent a child's love can be. It is without expectation or reciprocity. It is without cause and needs no explanation. A child loves because it is in his very nature to do so. There are a lot of things I'd *like* to take credit for when it comes to Denzel. Like the way he uses his manners, or calls me out on my aggressive driving (true story). But tonight, I simply could not take credit for the innate beauty that showed itself. As we sat there reading a book, Denzel looked in my eyes, looked down at my belly and hugged him while I finished reading. "I love you, brother," were the only words that came out of his mouth. And I was in awe. 

They say pictures are worth a thousand words, but tonight, the true innocence I experienced was worth so much more than that. My precious baby boy, you are deeply loved by so many. But especially by your big brother. 

Just for today

Crisis averted! Tonight I almost had a nervous breakdown. Almost, being the key word. There were too many things piling up on my plate, and I wasn't able to digest any of it. In fact, even my digestion is having trouble these days! The most stressful thing though was this home study that I had to send to the family **tonight** to get to them before our visit on Friday, so they could look it over and make any necessary changes. With this home study, every time I open it up I find something else that needs to be added. It's been a nightmare. Particularly because their history requires a LOT of explanation and mitigation. If you don't speak home study, all that means is I had a deadline and there was more and more unforeseeable work that came up each time I worked on it. And of course, like the story always goes, the rest of the job doesn't ease up because you have one pressing project. If anything, more things come up (and they did today). So the time I set aside to complete this home study was taken by the other thing that took the rest of my afternoon. I was an hour, in traffic, away from Denzel, so I picked him up as school was closing. The daycare lady and I chatted about preschools, and Denzel didn't leave the toys right away-like every day. Traffic going home, nothing for dinner, went to grab something for dinner, waited in line FOREVER, finally came home and ate, and I almost broke. It was 7:30pm, D's bedtime, and we were just finishing dinner. Then Patrick called. I told him I'm stressed and can't handle anything anymore. Did I mention he's got a late night job tonight?! He said he would take Denzel to school tomorrow, even though he's working until midnight (or later), and I thanked him. Meanwhile, the home study still plagued my mind. At this point it's almost 8pm, Denzel is no where near being ready for bed, and I picked at my dinner while checking my email. Because someone who's stressed needs to check their email? I know, it's stupid. But exactly what needed to happen tonight. The family whose home study I was STRESSING out about is sick, and wanted to give me a heads up-in case I wanted to reschedule. #1: THANK YOU for thinking about pregnant me getting sick. I have some families that don't give me a heads up, and I show up at their house when ALL family members are hacking up a lung. THANK YOU for being considerate!! #2: Of course I'm going to reschedule!! And just like that, time stopped, I felt my cortisol levels drop, and my mind slowed to a normal pace. One single email changed the destiny of my night. I don't think that's an exaggeration. I was ready to be taken away on a 5150-a psych hold for those of you who don't know.

I know it sounds cliche, but I really get the sense that God knew something very very bad would have happened, had I not been relieved of...something, anything! But immediately...email...problem solved.

So tomorrow I'll deal with my food problems, my lack of appetite. Tomorrow I'll deal with feeling like I'm back in first trimester but now with a huge watermelon belly. Tomorrow I'll still have work to do, a kid to feed breakfast to, clothe, bathe, take care of. Tomorrow the dishes will still be there. And tomorrow I will figure out my game plan for childcare when the baby comes. Okay, maybe I won't accomplish all that tomorrow. But for today, I will try to sleep 8 hours and only be interrupted 3 times to pee. Today I will tuck my child in to bed and sing to him billions of times so he isn't scared. Today I will say, thank you Lord for taking care of me--sustaining me just enough for today.

What I have to give

My precious little boy,

Life is hard work, my love. Very hard work. Sometimes you get to experience beauty, sometimes incredible joy. Sometimes you may feel intense sorrow, and sometimes you'll want to just throw in the towel. There is one guarantee though-life takes work.

I don't mean work as a job or career, although that's pretty much a necessity. I mean work as in effort, attitude and perseverance. And if I could give you one bit of encouragement it would be this-it's worth it. It's worth your effort--it's worth the work.

Right now you're tucked away snug in my belly, and you make your presence known...well, often throughout the day. I actually appreciate it, as much as it is painful sometimes, because at least I know you're okay. Lately, I've been thinking often of what you'll be like, what your personality will be, how different you'll be from your brother. I've also been thinking of how I can best prepare you for life. I won't lie to you, it's really hard sometimes. But I will do everything I can to make sure you do okay in life. You should know though, that at some point it's up to you. I can teach you, and train you, and love you with all that's in me. But at some point you'll have to do it on your own.

For now though, I'll give you all that I have. I will give you every ounce of love that I can muster. I will give you patience until I break, and then I'll go back and try again. I'll give you safety, comfort, a family that loves you beyond your little baby understanding. And I'll give you all of me. I'm not perfect by any means, but I try the very best I can. And I won't give up on you. No matter your struggle, no matter your hardship. I will always love you.

So when, or if, you read this later on, remember that the things you work the hardest for, those are usually the things that bring you the most joy and fulfillment. You are that to me my love. You are that to me.

Love,
Mom