Sometimes I'm really selfish. The house is a mess, laundry needs to be done, the baby is covered in food (which I sometimes wonder if any of the food makes it to his mouth and subsequently to his stomach), and I just get home from work. I'm tired, I've been working all day, AND pumping AND I come home to chaos. Alright, maybe that's a slight exaggeration. I come home to disorder. Then I see my husband falling asleep, because he's had a long day at work too, but I don't think about that. I'm already in illogical mode. You know, when you see the facts before you, but you *choose* what you want to feel. It looks like this...
"What about me?!"
"Why do I have to do it all?"
"When do I get a break?"
Then I start resenting. I resent all my responsibilities, all the people, everything. I told you, it's not logical. It's actually pretty selfish. And I can sit here blogging and tell you that I feel selfish right now, but I'm not in any hurry to change my attitude. Eventually though, the smoke starts to clear and I'm reminded of how grateful I really am of all the responsibilities, the people, the everything. You see, without responsibilities I would have no job that I love, no bills to pay because I would have no stuff. I wouldn't have my son, whom I love more than my own life, nor would I have my husband who is sometimes the most godly form of love I've experienced here on earth. I wouldn't have a roof over my head, because I wouldn't have an incredible family who has *welcomed* us to stay with them until we buy a place of our own. I wouldn't have two dogs that get excited to see me EVERY time I come home. None of it. I wouldn't have one of those things.
So then I go back to my illogical thinking.
What about me? Well, yesterday I was able to spend almost the entire day with my son. Some beautiful quality time, just he and I. Then the 3 of us went for a family walk with the woofies and it was perfect. I guess it doesn't need to be about me, it can be about we.
Why do I have to do it all? I cannot tell you the last time I picked up dog poop. I know this statement seems random, but seriously, since we've moved here I've picked up dog doo maybe twice. TWICE in 4 months! If I were doing it all, I would definitely be picking up more Cleveland Steamers. I walk by the laundry room to find some of my clothes have been nicely folded in the basket. Definitely wasn't me who did that. Several times I've come home to dinner already made, and child already fed. (I know he's already fed because the evidence is all over his face :D). So...I guess I don't do it all.
When do I get a break? ...well, I guess I'm writing this at a time when I'm not nursing/pumping, not changing a diaper or feeding a little mouth, not doing laundry, giving a bath, listening to a spouse, mediating drama or circumstances, not house hunting, I'm not eating, sleeping or working out...so I guess this is a break.
I'm guessing you get the picture.
When I think about it like that, it's all pretty silly. I mean, I can almost laugh at the ridiculousness of the whole thing. But I did allow myself to think those things in the beginning. And how easy is it to say, "I deserve this or that." Deep down I know what I deserve. I deserve none of what I have. The Bible says the wages of sin is death. Well, you could give me a crown and scepter and call me queen of sin, because I'm human, I have limitations, downfalls, and sometimes I'm just plain selfish. I deserve death. But the beautiful truth is, I've been given grace. I've been forgiven. Refreshed, restored and given another chance.
I would never say the selfish feelings won't come again, chances are that they will. But at least for now, I'm going to choose to extend the very same grace I've been given, and let it all go. I'm going to let this writing be my exercise of acknowledging what's there and releasing it.
I invite you to do the same-right now. If there's something you're harboring, do your mind and your body a favor-just let it go. It's not easy and no one is saying you weren't right or you're not deserving. Once you let the selfishness go, it's freeing. Really it is. So if you don't do it for the other person, do it for you. After all, you deserve it right?
