Today I Couldn't

I can't describe this day better than the title listed right there-Today I Couldn't.


I just couldn't.

I couldn't handle my job.
I couldn't handle another excuse from a family that doesn't follow through.
I couldn't handle a coworker.
I couldn't hold back the tears at work.
I couldn't handle being away from Patrick for...now 4 full days, and counting.
I couldn't deal with the emotions of a family member going through chemo.
I couldn't deal with feeling alone.
I couldn't deal with being a single parent.
I couldn't deal with feeling stuck in traffic, because I was.
I couldn't deal with pulling my pants up again because they're now too big.
I couldn't eat lunch because I was so busy that 4:30 rolled around and I had to pick up my son.
I couldn't remember to bring everything home from daycare.
I couldn't remember to tell someone at church I wasn't going to make it to rehearsal tonight.
I couldn't console my son.
I couldn't get my email on my phone to work.
I couldn't remember to call a friend back.
I couldn't figure out how I was possibly going to fit in 20 hours of work into Friday.
I just couldn't.

But I did give my son a bath and smiled at his big beautiful brown eyes.
I did hug and kiss him more than ever.
I did nurse him and watch him fall asleep peacefully in my arms.
I did cry.

I thought about all the things that just seemed like too much today. It was all too much. But staring at him so peacefully sleeping, I thought about how blessed I am to have this little human love me in a way that shows me just a little of what it feels like to be wrapped up in the love of God. It's perfect. It's peace. It's exactly what I needed for a day like today. I wiped my tears, and placed him in his crib. Shut the door to his room and tried to click the snap on my bra, but it wasn't working. There was something in the way....a block. A big, wooden block. A 2-inch block was in my bra and I didn't even notice. It was the purple one that Denzel was carrying around all night. I had to smile. Especially after a day like today.

I'm not magically feeling okay again. But I am going to give it another shot tomorrow. And sometimes, that's all you can do. Thank you Lord, for caring about my deepest heart's desire, and for continuing to teach me in moments like these.

Making the Judgment Call

We've become a pretty casual society. Formal dress is not really common place (have you ever tried finding a formal dress?!), people are often late to...well, anything (guilty as charged), and we take advice from bloggers. I realize the irony in that sentence :) After reading a blog that someone posted on Facebook today, I question exactly what I read now and how it influences my parenting specifically.

This blog that I read was about not yelling at your kids. No doubt something many parents have struggled with, and it really seemed like great advice. There was even some scripture referenced toward the bottom. But one point didn't sit right with me. It read, "Don't be a repeater. Say something once and then punish the child if they don't immediately respond." It seems harmless, except that I've read research about how children at this age can hear the exact same sentence spoken 3 times and take away a different kind of comprehension each time. The study was quoted in The Tipping Point and was actually done for Sesame Street. (You didn't know Sesame Street used research to guide their show did you?!). The study found that when something is repeated 3 times (3 being the magic number), a young child more fully comprehends by the 3rd time, and takes away different aspects of the comprehension each time. Adults however, don't have this same comprehension. (Duh, that's why we all hate watching Blues Clues repeat...wait...repeat...wait...and repeat again. Or how about Telletubbies!?! No more again, again!)

I'm a little bit hippy when it comes to parenting. I choose medicine last and natural remedies first; I'm still breastfeeding at 13 months; I generally like to give my 1 year a short age-appropriate explanation of why I asked him to do XYZ because I think it's important he understand the why; I don't like to give him much sugar or salt, I let him determine the sleep schedule his body needs, and (I know you were wondering perspective on this hot topic) he's on an alternative shot schedule. I think there is definitely more extreme than me, but I'm not necessarily a "traditional" parenting style type. But the thing is, Patrick and I have both done a lot of research into some of these key issues. Then we weigh in anecdotal evidence from our own child (because why would I compare him with another kid who is so much different?). The very last little thing we consider is what other people have to say. You know, the Facebookers, the friends at church with kids the same age, the grandparents, and on occasion, a blogger who has some interesting insight. But not solely based on one of those things, and certainly not a blogger alone.

I think we owe it to our kids, and ourselves frankly, to start making better judgment calls based on more reliable sources. And sometimes that source is our mommy or daddy gut. If you have a 43 hour unmedicated labor because you want the best for your baby, don't let others tell you you're crazy. If you are okay with waking up twice a night with your 2 year old because they take 2 naps a day religiously, don't let another person tell you you have to let them cry it out. If you give your child a bath in the morning instead of before bed, be empowered by knowing he/she is invigorated by baths and doesn't get sleepy, despite what others say. If you choose the shot schedule, an alternative schedule, or no schedule-go with your educated reason. But don't just take someone's word for it because they know how to type and hit "publish." And please don't take my word for it-do a little homework and figure out what's best for you and your family. In the end, those are the people directly affected by your decisions anyway, and everyone else has the very same choice.