Today I Couldn't

I can't describe this day better than the title listed right there-Today I Couldn't.


I just couldn't.

I couldn't handle my job.
I couldn't handle another excuse from a family that doesn't follow through.
I couldn't handle a coworker.
I couldn't hold back the tears at work.
I couldn't handle being away from Patrick for...now 4 full days, and counting.
I couldn't deal with the emotions of a family member going through chemo.
I couldn't deal with feeling alone.
I couldn't deal with being a single parent.
I couldn't deal with feeling stuck in traffic, because I was.
I couldn't deal with pulling my pants up again because they're now too big.
I couldn't eat lunch because I was so busy that 4:30 rolled around and I had to pick up my son.
I couldn't remember to bring everything home from daycare.
I couldn't remember to tell someone at church I wasn't going to make it to rehearsal tonight.
I couldn't console my son.
I couldn't get my email on my phone to work.
I couldn't remember to call a friend back.
I couldn't figure out how I was possibly going to fit in 20 hours of work into Friday.
I just couldn't.

But I did give my son a bath and smiled at his big beautiful brown eyes.
I did hug and kiss him more than ever.
I did nurse him and watch him fall asleep peacefully in my arms.
I did cry.

I thought about all the things that just seemed like too much today. It was all too much. But staring at him so peacefully sleeping, I thought about how blessed I am to have this little human love me in a way that shows me just a little of what it feels like to be wrapped up in the love of God. It's perfect. It's peace. It's exactly what I needed for a day like today. I wiped my tears, and placed him in his crib. Shut the door to his room and tried to click the snap on my bra, but it wasn't working. There was something in the way....a block. A big, wooden block. A 2-inch block was in my bra and I didn't even notice. It was the purple one that Denzel was carrying around all night. I had to smile. Especially after a day like today.

I'm not magically feeling okay again. But I am going to give it another shot tomorrow. And sometimes, that's all you can do. Thank you Lord, for caring about my deepest heart's desire, and for continuing to teach me in moments like these.