Remarkable

I've been in a really neat place recently. Not like Hawaii or anything. I mean, psychologically I've been in a very positive place. I've been incredibly grateful for most everything in my life recently. Almost like my eyes have been opened to how blessed I really am. And I hate the word blessed because it's so overused, but let's be honest, the word is absolutely appropriate when I talk about my husband.

I actually just googled blessed and the definition states "made holy." So appropriate to describe Patrick right now, made holy. There's something you should know about my husband--he is one of the most remarkable human beings I've had the honor of knowing. Seriously. He innately desires to grow as a person and in his own character...so he does. He pursues personal growth because he wants to. He enjoys keeping up with current events, and comes alive with making injustice right in the world. He loves our boys unlike any dad I've ever seen. I mean, he doesn't just parent how he was parented. That's what everyone does. Not him. Patrick does intense research on the best possible approach, and incorporates it almost daily. He has more patience that ANY single person I've ever known, hands down. Seriously, when I just can't be patient with kids anymore, he steps in, and it's like they get a clean slate and fresh perspective after mom is burned out. Recently, he's had a good amount of stress at work, and started bringing it home with him. We talked about it...okay...I told him about it...and rather than becoming defensive or resent me, he made a huge effort to change...immediately. This is no joke. Do you know how hard it is to just change? Boom. Just like that. We've been barely keeping our relationship afloat in these past...6 months, just with all the stress of work, having a new baby, managing two kids (which I swear, I could write a book about now!)--it's really been a lot for us both. And of course we spend very little time together, alone, without children. But we talked about how much we desire for that to change. And you know what? He's really the one that has changed, not me. He cares that much. For me, for our relationship, to change immediately. The last thing I'm thinking about is a little silly, but let's be honest, attractiveness is important. Patrick has been wearing his glasses again recently, and I think he's sexy. I don't know if I like men in glasses, or if they just compliment his face that much, all I know is he is particularly attractive these days, and I like it. So yeah, my husband needs a shout out. Because everyone needs to be affirmed in the strengths they posses. It just happens that I married a man with mostly strengths :)

I love you, Patrick, and thank you. Thank you for being remarkable and uniquely you.

As a mom...

As a mom

I love every dirty fingernail,
deformed toenail,
and pointy ears that prove you both belong to me

As a mom

I worry about you constantly
dream about what you'll be like daily
and beg time to slow down with each birthday

As a mom
I feel guilt when you eat fast food
Smile when you ask if green beans are a treat
And can't help but laugh when you say "I'm very full, can I have a cookie?"

As a mom
I'll happily put you before me
Wish I had more alone time with Daddy
But think about you constantly when you're gone

As a mom
I spend hours upon hours of research on the best education
for you
Ensure you empathize with others
And teach you to care for anything smaller than yourself

As a mom
I want nothing more than you to know God
See you grow up to be incredible men
And get anxious about thinking someday we won't live under the same roof

As a mom
I wonder what your story will be
Ponder who you're becoming

and am so encouraged with your character already

As a mom
I desire nothing more than you looking at me as you nurse
Feel at peace when I hold you, sleeping
Wish I could put the feeling in a jar to keep for later

As a mom
I want to protect you from the world
But know that's not how it works
and let you experience life

As a mom
I let you take risks
Even when everything in me shouts, "NO!"
Because that's how you grow

As a mom
I get frustrated when you don't listen
Sometimes I want to scream, or
Wish I could cry with you

As a mom
I will always love you
No matter the circumstance
Until the day I die

You both made me a mom. It's part of my identity now, and what an incredible blessing and honor it is to be your parent. I love you with all that's in me. That is where you started out, after all :)

~Mom

My life, then and now

Then:

1. Clean house

2. Quality activities for children that don't involve TV

3. Enjoy a nice meal at a hip new restaurant

4. Invite friends over for a lovely bottle of wine and specialty cheeses

5. On the weekends: in bed whenever I want, wake up whenever I want

6. Go see a musical, play, concert, show, really anything I want with Patrick, and whenever I want.

7. Stare lovingly into Patrick's eyes.

8. "Do" my hair (blow dry, curl w/curling iron, scrunch with product, half up, etc.)

9. Lay out to tan, talk with friends, enjoy the beach

10. No time to think about priorities in life

Now:

1. Make sure there's not so much dog hair on the floor that the baby will inhale and get lungs full of yellow lab fur. But some is okay.

2. Any activity that doesn't result in a trip to the ER is a good activity.

3. Make sure my 3 year old eats a full meal, there's enough room to nurse my 3 month old...wait, everyone's done and I haven't eaten? Eh, take my food to go.

4. "Daddy, can I smell your wine?" (Do we drink that much that my preschooler knows you smell wine before you drink it??! Not sure if I should be appalled, or proud.)

5. Put one kid to sleep at 7:30pm, then get up with him at 7:32pm because he has to go potty, then at 7:41pm he needs a drink of water, start dozing off at 8:30pm, put the other one down at 9pm when you realize you are both asleep now, go to the bathroom, start brushing your teeth, sing to the first one because he woke up and was afraid of the dark, climb into bed, nurse the second one because he faked you out and wasn't really ready to go down for the night, bring him into bed while he plays and looks at the fan and you fall asleep, put him back in bed at midnight, then you go back to bed...wake up at 6am to feed him again, put him back to bed, then you go back to bed...barely open your eyes and scream because your 3 year old is inches from your face and you were dead asleep...start the day with a heart attack at 7am.

6. Go see a Pentatonix concert that was planned weeks ago. Then plan your next date night for next year.

7. What color are his eyes again? "Hey hun, can you grab me another diaper?"

8. "Do" my hair (wash all the baby spit up out of it, brush, leave the house, air dry, forget about it until baby spits up again, or pulls a big chunk of hair out)

9. Sunblock the kids constantly, keep sand out of their mouths, eyes, ears...or not...go home and realize you didn't put sunblock on yourself, and get a nice tank top-shaped burn.

10. Relish every moment.

My life looks incredibly different right now, compared to what it was. But I actually have the time to enjoy what I've been blessed with. Some days its extremely hard, and emotionally taxing, but when I let go of the "perfect" life, I start to enjoy my messy one a whole lot more. And if you wanna know a secret...I think a little mess is good for everyone. Lucky for me, I was given a great big portion! :)

Sleep

Sleep. Probably the one thing that each of my family members is the worst at. Well, maybe I should clarify-we all have really "off" sleeping patterns and habits, and it's made our family dynamic...let's just say, less than stellar :) I just read an article from my USC alumni magazine about the sleep research they're heading up right now, and it became quite clear to me (again), that our approach to sleep needs to change, like, yesterday.

Me
Let's start with me, that's a great place to start. I'm a really light sleeper. It serves me well when taking care of my new little guy, because I can hear when he's wrestling around in bed next to me and wants to eat. I can get him up before his eyes are even opened, nurse him, and put him back to sleep instantly after he's done eating. And lucky for me, he typically sleeps through the night. Thank you Lord Jesus for that gift! Now, when Denzel wakes up at night, which is several times a night recently, my sleep is almost always disturbed. So being a light sleeper there is not so good. I also notice that the crack of light that comes in from my shade hits my eyes directly where I sleep if I'm on my right side. Something as small as a beam of light wakes me. My buzzing phone wakes me. My husband wakes me. The dog wakes me. Ev-ery-thing disturbs my sleep. Plus I'm guilty of screen time before bed-really bad for you.

Patrick
Next, we move on to Patrick. Patrick's sleep is about as bad as I've ever heard from anyone. He was recently diagnosed with two forms of sleep apnea. So not only does he struggle to sleep because of our children, he struggles because his airway is obstructed, or his brain literally does not tell his lungs to take in air. Scary right?! For as long as I've known him, he's been this way. I recall a few times, when we first met, when we would be cuddling on the couch, and I have my head on his chest ::insert your own aww here:: and he would stop breathing. Then all of a sudden, GASP! So he's had this a while. Only recently have we found out that's kind of a big deal. And thank goodness, we're working on taking care of that. As if he didn't already have a sleep disadvantage, his job requires his sleep to be so sporadic, that there's no hope for him ever having a "typical" nights' sleep. Recently he's been working out in the field more which means: early start time (3am and later), crazy end time (5pm, 6pm, overnight, to the next morning), and every Sunday he's gone out on a job that's overnight. It might be better if there was always a start time of 3am, but it's never consistent among jobs. It's always different, and sometimes even changes after the job has already begun, for various reasons. Wait, it gets better. He doesn't just work and go home. It's his family business that he pours his heart into, his time into, and that's a lot of weight that translates to poor sleep. Technology though, is constantly on at night with him. And I just read that screens really ruin your sleep if you're on them before bed.

Denzel
It took me a while to figure out where to start with this kid. His schedule has been off since the birth of his baby brother (and by off I just mean I'm pretty sure this is typical? I sure hope it is.) Denzel has gone through phases anywhere from one day to weeks and months of things that disturb his sleep. Instead of explain them all, I'll just list them...and probably cry or laugh after the list is complete...

-scared of the dark
-scared of monsters
-scared of ANYTHING you can think of (and things you'd never guess like talking-sometimes he asks us to whisper)
-potty training
-toys falling out of his bed wakes him
-he has bad dreams
-he wakes up several times at night
-he's hungry
-I'm pretty sure there were two growth spurts in the past 3 months
-he needs more water
-he hits his head on the wall, his bed, or a book, a hard toy
-he "hurts" himself, there's "blood" and he needs a "bandaid" (all in quotes because he says all that constantly, but is actually obsessed with bandaids-but most often doesn't need one)
-he wants to sleep somewhere other than his bed
-he typically takes several hours to fall asleep (usually in bed at 7:30, and doesn't fall asleep before 10pm most nights)

Holy cow, I'm just going to stop there. Denzel is definitely one of the bigger causes of the rest of us not sleeping. I hate to pin it on him, but he's a handful lately when it comes to sleep. The crazy thing is he wakes up like nothing happened. Oh child.

Emerson
After about 3 weeks old, Emerson was sleeping 6 hour stretches at night without eating, and then he'd wake every 2 hours or so after that. Every parents dream. But it's even better now. Okay...don't hate me if you've just had a kid...now, he has slept on a couple of occasions for 11+ hours at night. If it's pretty quiet and dark, he can fall asleep from 9pm (all the way up to 12am) and not wake up until 9am! One morning I nursed him around 6am and he didn't wake up until 10:45am! And of course he sleeps semi-randomly during the day, as any 3 month old does.

Kiri, the dog
Kiri sleeps pretty well, and she doesn't really cause any grief for the rest of us. Except on the occasion that she barks at something, or is barking in her sleep. She usually wakes someone up then. And it's usually Denzel. She's also a huge distraction for Denzel when he's scared, she sleeps in his room, then he plays with her.

So there you go, put 4 wackos in a house together with a dog that loves squirrels and you have an average of NO SLEEP.

But starting tonight, we implement the new sleeping plan. Here are the new rules, and I'm sure we'll make some more as we keep up with this:

1. All creatures go to bed by 10pm, no matter whether you are 26" tall or 5'9".
2. No screens at said bed time. No screens in bed AT ALL, except for setting alarms. Bed shall be thus forth, sacred space for closing the eyes.
3. Children shall be in bed by 8pm. I'd love to make it earlier but I'm being realistic.
4. Children shall not have any screen time in the afternoon.
5. Once a child is in bed, he stays in bed. The only exception is to go potty.

Last night we sort of tried this, and every rule was broken. Tonight mama is going to be firm on the rules. It's 9:04 and so far, so good...although there have been several requests for water...wish us luck!