No one knows

Moana is a dang good movie, isn't it?! You know what's even better than the movie? The music. Sweet goodness, it is amazing. The text, the meaning, how applicable it is to every day situations...no? Just me?

Patrick and I went to The Liturgist Gathering this past weekend, a place for people (many) who have come from an evangelical Christian background, and find themselves in a faith transition of sorts. Some atheist, some searching, some have defined faith ideals, some have non at all. I think part of the beauty of it is that its sort of a catch all group of people who just want to belong. I mean, don't we all? The weekend was really informative, but sort of left me with an even deeper desire for true authentic community. Can it be possible for me to want authentic community even more than I already do?! But then I remembered something, liturgy in the Greek means for the people, and BOOM! An explosion of heavenly empowerment rained upon me. I'm going to start facilitating true, authentic community with others that are socially bankrupt, pushed to the sides, feeling secluded.

But let's back up for a second. So, all this came about when I went through a deconstruction of my faith. It was hard, really hard, and still isn't complete I guess, but now I'm starting to find new pieces to this puzzle, only I don't have the picture on the box, so I really don't know what it's going to look like. I do know two things though: God is more real to me than ever before, and my measure for all things is love. The rest, I'm clueless. But it's not flippant like, "I don't know I don't care, whatever." It's more like an up and down wave of relinquishing the control of needing to have things figured out, to really struggling with feeling like I have no idea what's going on. Up and down, up and down. The waves are less frequent, and the swells aren't as steep anymore. But things still happen to shake the waters, and it sometimes throws me off.

I have a big relationship that has been in some tension recently, lots and lots of stress at work, and overall things have been overwhelming. Add to that feeling like I can't relate to anyone on a faith level, and we've got full on desperation, my friends. Patrick met the pastor (a woman, hooray!) to a UMC in Costa Mesa, and he wanted to go. I reluctantly agreed. The message was on Matthew 10:34 that says, "I did not come to bring peace, but a sword." Seriously Jesus, why you always gotta stir things up. She talked about how swords were not always used to fight in battle, but also to divide people on respective sides. Basically, Jesus did not come to appease everyone's egos. His intent was to make clear who was over here and who was over there. It was a lot for me to take in, having just finished up a conference where most people were struggling with a faith transition, and also HAVE YOU READ THE NEWS LATELY? It's just too much sometimes. I was sort of thinking on and absorbing all I heard while driving home, and "How Far I'll Go" from Moana came on. And not just any version, a little girl, maybe 3-4 years old, sang the lyrics to the song. I crumbled into thousands of little pieces.

I've been staring at the edge of the water
'Long as I can remember, never really knowing why
I wish I could be the perfect daughter
But I come back to the water, no matter how hard I try
Every turn I take, every trail I track
Every path I make, every road leads back
To the place I know, where I can not go, where I long to be

See the line where the sky meets the sea? It calls me
And no one knows, how far it goes
If the wind in my sail on the sea stays behind me
One day I'll know, if I go there's just no telling how far I'll go

I know everybody on this island, seems so happy on this island
Everything is by design
I know everybody on this island has a role on this island
So maybe I can roll with mine
I can lead with pride, I can make us strong
I'll be satisfied if I play along
But the voice inside sings a different song
What is wrong with me?

See the light as it shines on the sea? It's blinding
But no one knows, how deep it goes
And it seems like it's calling out to me, so come find me
And let me know, what's beyond that line, will I cross that line?

The line where the sky meets the sea? It calls me
And no one knows, how far it goes
If the wind in my sail on the sea stays behind me
One day I'll know, how far I'll go

I couldn't hold back the tears, the emotions. I wish I could be the perfect daughter...What is wrong with me? It calls me, and no one knows, how far it goes. It's like hope mixed with the perfect amount of anxiety, mixed with insight and self-reflection, and of course you gotta throw in everyone else's expectations on you as a person, in society...will I cross that line?

I was that little girl, and in that moment, that was me. I began reflecting on my journey, and I got to the present day. I may know little about the plan for my life, but I am certain that I was made for things beyond my wildest comprehension. I had a plan for my life, and this was not it! But if I think about all the beautiful experiences I would have missed for the life I chose (and planned out), I would 

have handed over the reigns a long time ago. 

The voice inside me is singing a different song, and I'm ready to head out to sea. And who knows, maybe one day I'll look back and see how far I've yet to go.