I've had an ongoing affair for years now, with God. I know it sounds weird to say that, but it's become very clear to me that I've treated God as an on again off again relationship. When things are on, they're amazing, and they're powerful. When things are off, I do what I want, go my own way, spend very little effort or time with the Lord. Maybe you've had a similar experience. But recently my soul has been crying out for more depth, more authenticity, more of the life-giving relationship, that I'm pretty sure I don't even know. I've been binging on junk food religion, and it hasn't necessarily been fully conscious. I know what to say, how to say it, I know what I'm supposed to do, who I'm supposed to hang out with, what I'm supposed to pray...but all of that has come to a dead end. I've been really into health lately, so forgive the analogies, but I've eaten myself into disease-faith wise. My soul has finally rejected my "religion" and my view of "God" and will only settle for the raw, real, and true God. I think I've come to a crossroads where the doctor basically says to you, well, you can continue doing what you're doing, and your organs will fail one by one. Or you can change your lifestyle, and you will slowly begin to see your health restored.
If you know me well, you know that God has put this incredible passion on my heart for women/girls who are survivors of sex trafficking. I sought out this purpose on my life which lead to a change in career, a change in perspective, and continues to be almost like this mystery that I don't fully understand yet. I'm not where I thought I would be in this work, but the journey has been mind-blowing to say the least. Hear me out, it has not been easy. I left the dream I had of being a teacher, lost some friends along the way that never fully understood my decision, and still find myself with God-given dreams but dead ends. So the dilemma is that I know for a fact, God put this drive in me for a reason-I mean...I didn't choose this of my own accord. But every time I come across an opportunity, it seems too perfect not to happen. It seems amazingly planned by God...and it falls. through. completely. This has happened on a large scale twice, and there have been lots of little let downs along the way. So as you can imagine, I became pretty jaded. Tired of it all. Just done. I mean, Lord, if you're not going to make it work, what do I care?
To complicate things even more, I'm having another child. It's really only complicated because I have literally no plan, no idea what's going to happen after the baby comes. Meaning, financially it is OUTRAGEOUS for us to send an infant to full-time childcare on our current take-home. So then maybe I work part time? But then who do we send to school? Denzel or baby? Or both? What days? And where? Denzel will be preschool age by the time baby comes, so we have to start looking for a place for him, be thinking about the vital bonding time with new baby, and make it all work out financially, for our family, oh yeah...and for mine and Patrick's relationship. I cannot tell you the source of stress this has been, and finally it clicked one day. I realized that this baby will probably be our last, and I'm so concerned about what's going to happen after he comes. It was literally making me sick. Then I felt guilty for being sick with him, I felt guilty for crying and being depressed with him. It was awful. So one day I just decided to ditch it all. I remember someone asking me later that day, "What is your plan after the baby comes?" I said, "I don't know. I literally have no clue." Those words were freedom to me. I don't know. It sounds kind of irresponsible, doesn't it? Like I'm a bad mom, or something. I might have agreed with you before. But today I say-you're wrong. I'm in a place of "there is NOTHING I can do about this right now" so I'm choosing to do nothing. Nothing but be in the moment. And you know what? I've found great peace in that. Incredible peace, in knowing that God will make it work out, somehow. I almost don't even care how. I only care that it will be worked out.
Moving a few steps forward...in this whole process of changing my lifestyle, my soul is crying out for real authenticity. For real community. Real relationship. For the real God. I'm getting rid of the bullshit-and seeking pure wholeness, restoration, and reorienting myself with who God really is. Actually, reorienting isn't really the right word. It's more like starting over, starting a new. It's like I got a divorce, and have decided to begin courting all over again-in hopes that I will find a different outcome and a different relationship. Well, so far I have.
I'm starting to fall in love with a God who loves me in my nakedness. You know that vulnerable time when you're seen with nothing to hide behind? No clothes, no makeup, nothing. And what I get back is overwhelming love. What I see in his eyes is only love. In all my flaws and imperfection, I'm seen as beautiful, as perfectly created. I'm beginning to know a God who wants less small talk, and wants more authentic relationship. It's no more about the "I should read the Bible" or "I know I need to pray more." It's now about the condition of my heart, how I surrender myself to him, and the truth in how I'm feeling.
Today I think was a starting point for this new relationship I have with God. And I can tell this is lasting. What we had before-well, I just wasn't committed. And while I went my own way, did my own thing, God waited patiently for me. He knew I'd come around though. So now I begin my life with a new love-one that I'd failed in the past-but that I get to start over again. I surrender now and give myself fully to the one who never wanted the other garbage to begin with. Here I am, raw, undone, and tired of the show. I'm ready for real intimacy. I'm ready for the real God.
