To: G

German,

I can't fall asleep tonight, even though my eyes are burning so badly. You see, I got a call from a friend today telling us that you had passed away. That you were gone. It didn't make any sense to me, so I texted Sandy. When I saw her immediately show up as the pending call, my heart dropped. There was a lump in my throat. She said that you had a stroke and died in Italy. She said Matt called her, and I cried even harder. I somehow wanted to believe that Sandy was mistaken, that she heard a rumor from a Mesa High student, and you know those crazy Mesa High kids :) But she said Matt called her. Matt's your best friend. The rest is sort of a blur. I think I felt it necessary to tell as many people as possible, so I didn't have a chance to sit with my emotions. That didn't really work. I texted with some friends I haven't talked to in a while, and it doesn't make sense, G. I was just dropping you off at the airport a couple of months ago after a good coffee talk. We had just talked about life, and discussed huge decisions (like they always seem to come up when we're together). You had just admired Denzel and told me how beautiful he was, and smart. You had just hugged me and said, "Thanks friend."

I looked through some of your pictures on Facebook, and I increasingly could not make sense of the news I was just given. I even told Patrick, "But he's right here (pictures on the screen), how can he be gone?" I don't get it. It doesn't make sense.

I've known for 3 hours now, and I expect it to get better, but right now I can't really deal. It seems so surreal, so dreamlike. It doesn't make sense. German, you were the one who taught me about life. You taught me how important it was to feel, to express, to dream, to love, to inspire, and to follow your calling. You taught me that. I looked up to you when I was 16, when you were my student teacher. You had a passion for music that paralleled your passion for making a difference in lives. I saw you grow as a teacher when I was in college, and even had the honor to be your student teacher. What a blast we had! Do you remember all the jokes we made that only you and I got? Do you remember how much coffee was consumed before PLCs, concerts, finals? Do you remember the deep conversations we had, not just about music and teaching, but about life and purpose? Taking over your program at MHS was really hard. Those kids worshipped you. And rightfully so, I was doing my best, but you were a tough act to follow. And yet, you NEVER allowed ANYONE to speak badly about me. You set me up for success, just like you always did. You believed in me so much, from day one, through my student teaching, and through my career change. Of everyone, you were the one who accepted me as Andrea, not "Andrea who was supposed to be an amazing choral teacher." You supported my decision to follow my heart's calling, supported me, and encouraged me the whole way. My mentor German became my friend.

We continued to get together whenever possible, both in AZ and CA. I still think it's hilarious how Jon knows Patrick and I know you...crazy. I was overjoyed when you sent me the picture of your rings. I'm so sorry friend, that you weren't able to say your vows to the man you loved. I can't stop thinking about him and feeling so helpless that I live 20 minutes away and have no idea how to help him. I'll make sure to check in with him often.

I'm really writing you because the tables have turned. I'm now the one who needs therapy, needs direction, needs some coping skills, and this is the best thing I could come up with. Because you see, I would have loved to have said goodbye. I never thought there was a goodbye so close ahead. I was so looking forward to the day you'd be here in Long Beach, which was soon! I was looking forward to hearing all about your trip. I never planned to say goodbye, but I need some way to tell you what you did for me. Because it's no small miracle that I am who I am today largely because of you. Ironically, I'm sitting here with no words to say thank you, because there aren't elegant words enough. Or maybe I don't want to believe we won't ever have another coffee date, or text each other with big life changes anymore. I don't want to think that the impact you had on your sphere of influence has stopped momentarily. I can't bear the thought that Denzel won't be able to know you when he's old enough to appreciate your wisdom. And I refuse to believe that it stops here. Because as much as I can't come to grips with you being gone, I REFUSE to let your influence stop. You didn't only change my life, German, you taught me how to live. So while you continue to sing with that incredible voice of yours, the ripple effect of you will continue for generations to come. See, because I plan to carry all that you've taught me and spread it wherever I can. I can't even imagine the numerous lives you've touched through music making, through relationship, through the intimacy of knowing you.

Facebook is blowing up with pictures of you all over the place. It's hard to see you every where and think that pictures are what remain. You will forever remain in my heart, and in my mind.

I love you, G,

Andrea