My love, part three (that's you!)

Emerson,

You made quite an entrance into this world as a 11lb. 13oz. baby! I still feel a little in shock about the whole thing. Since you've made your entrance, I've felt deeply drawn to your gentle spirit, your go with the flow attitude, and your snugly little loving body. Seriously, the way you curl up in my arms or on my chest-there is absolutely nothing better. Welcome to our family, my love. We love you more than words can express, and can't wait to see the man you will become. 

Love, Mom, Dad & Denzel

How I'd **like** things to go

We're expecting our new little guy any day now, most people know that, but I wanted to be clear about our attitude and expectations about this going in. It sounds sort of blunt and rude, but I really think that being clear about what we want is better than people getting their feelings hurt later. And if you read this and still get your feelings hurt...that's on you :)

My labor with Denzel was long and hard. Very very hard. 42 hours, and I ended up with an unwanted c-section. But it didn't end there. After recovery my heart rate wouldn't go back down so they thought I had a blood clot and spent DAYS testing me. You can read the story here if you'd like. It's not a normal story, but I think it taught me that you can have a beautiful, glorious pregnancy, and in the end being flexible is inevitable. Life with a child doesn't always go how you planned. Denzel taught me that from day one.

Anyhow, because of that experience, I'm sort of left with my ideal dream of natural childbirth, and then...the rest of the unknown. I have no fear about the unknown, Patrick and I will take things as they come, and I know God has our back. We have a huge community that will be praying, family and friends that are extremely supportive...I'm not worried at all. But I do want to sort of lay out what we'd like to see in this experience.

1. Giving birth is a moment that I want to share with my husband. I think it's intimate, personal, and I want to allow time and space for that. We plan to have birth helpers (doula, etc.), but in my mind those people are just there to assist in the process, and keep it sacred. They aren't there for themselves, they're there for us.

2. Immediately after the baby is born, Denzel will be the first person to meet his new brother. Now, if it's 2am, we plan to wait until he wakes up and eats breakfast. Or if he's going to bed or whatever, we aren't going to disturb him. But he will be the first to meet his brother. It's our new family, and he's a top priority. I want him to know that, I want him to feel special in meeting his brother, and I want to give him ample time without disruption. Denzel has made a gift for his brother, and his brother has "made" a gift for Denzel. This is their time, no one else's.

3. After Denzel is extended family and friends as time and energy allows. I plan (ha ha, we'll see how that goes), not to be in the hospital for long. So we probably won't have time to have all the visitors that want to come while we're in the hospital. (I'm actually okay with this by the way.) Please just be understanding.

4. When we get home, again, please be understanding if you ask to come visit and we don't answer right away, or say no, or suggest a different time. I've heard two kids is a game changer--that's just what I've heard. So don't be hurt if the visit is short. In the same regard, we may want some friend time after being with baby a bunch. We'll just sort of have to see.

5. I feel like this is probably an important thing to say, as people all feel different on this issue. I plan to breastfeed. It may not be in the other room. In fact, it probably won't be. And I may not use a cover. If that bothers you, don't look, or excuse yourself. I won't force you to be there if you feel uncomfortable, duh. And I won't think less of you either. But I openly nurse. So just know that.

6. This is actually a request of mine: please check in with Patrick. He will be every bit as involved in the birthing process as I am, aside from actually pushing :) I'm not exaggerating at all. In fact, he might even be doing more, as he coordinates all the friends and family, etc. Will you make sure he's ok? Just check in with him. Make sure he's taken care of. Maybe he just needs a cup of coffee, or a sandwich, or a shoulder rub. He might need you to go fill up the car with gas, or pick up Denzel from school, or get his pillow from home. Will you take care of him for me? Because he will be focusing on me and baby, and I want to make sure he's taken care of too.

Maybe this isn't necessary to say, I don't know...but with Denzel, I was neurotic about people holding him. NEUROTIC. It literally made me anxious...like, physically. I remember my grandparents holding him in the hospital and my mind immediately went to this place, "They're going to drop him, he's going to have a head trauma, he'll be developmentally impaired for the rest of his life, I'm going to resent my grandparents...etc. etc." Did you laugh? (I can laugh now), but this is not a joke. I LITERALLY went through that thought process in the hospital with every. single. person. Then when I was home I thought, "I have to let my parents and Patrick's parents hold the baby. He's their grandchild," and I could not walk out of the room. I had more anxiety than I've ever had, ever, and I'm not really prone to anxiety. Top that off with some latching issues, a little baby blues the first night home, and I was a hot mess. Looking back, I think our attachment time was interrupted because of my heart stuff in the hospital, and that's probably what contributed to my neuroticism. My mom confirmed that she saw this too, and so did Patrick, so it's not something I made up or am exaggerating about. Thankfully they didn't tell me they witnessed this until recently. Had they told me at the time I might have flipped. So, I guess I'm giving myself an out for the way I could potentially act?? HA! Lame right? But you just never know what the circumstance or hormones do to you. I would have never guessed to act like that in a million years. Hopefully this birth will be better...but if it isn't...don't take anything personal :) Give me 6 months to recuperate, and then we can laugh about it together :D

I want to thank you in advance for everyone who has shown so much love already. We've had several requests to send a quick note when labor begins so you can pray-thank you. Many people have already offered help of any kind, whenever we need it-thank you. Thank you, thank you. We're so excited to meet this little guy, and know that he'll be born into a huge community of support and love. Okay sweetheart, we're ready for you :)

Big love

Large life events have taught me a lot in...well...life. When I got married, I learned what it meant to put another before myself. I learned what good communication really meant, and how to accept incredible love from someone else. When I started my career in teaching I learned what it meant to pursue teaching life skills, not content. To encourage kids to think critically about the world, not just to follow directions because "that's what you're supposed to do." When I lost my friend to a tragic accident that in my mind still seems unfair, I learned that sometimes the greatest memory kept alive of that person is in your commitment to being the truest and best you possible. I also learned what real grief is. The kind that grabs you by the throat and squeezes so tight you think you'll never be able to breathe again. When I moved to California, I began to discover true authentic relationships. I discovered more of my adult self, and became painfully aware of the fact that I will not waste my time on things that are not of importance to me. When I had Denzel, I learned my inner strength. I learned what it meant to love outside of your being, and feel as though part of you was now in the outside world. I learned how much patience I can actually have, and how little sleep you can survive on. With the pregnancy of this second child, I've learned the importance of a positive outlook and attitude. How important that is for your and your child's well-being. I've learned what it means to be intentional, and to fight for the things that need to be fought for. 

Tonight though, I learned how beautiful and innocent a child's love can be. It is without expectation or reciprocity. It is without cause and needs no explanation. A child loves because it is in his very nature to do so. There are a lot of things I'd *like* to take credit for when it comes to Denzel. Like the way he uses his manners, or calls me out on my aggressive driving (true story). But tonight, I simply could not take credit for the innate beauty that showed itself. As we sat there reading a book, Denzel looked in my eyes, looked down at my belly and hugged him while I finished reading. "I love you, brother," were the only words that came out of his mouth. And I was in awe. 

They say pictures are worth a thousand words, but tonight, the true innocence I experienced was worth so much more than that. My precious baby boy, you are deeply loved by so many. But especially by your big brother. 

Just for today

Crisis averted! Tonight I almost had a nervous breakdown. Almost, being the key word. There were too many things piling up on my plate, and I wasn't able to digest any of it. In fact, even my digestion is having trouble these days! The most stressful thing though was this home study that I had to send to the family **tonight** to get to them before our visit on Friday, so they could look it over and make any necessary changes. With this home study, every time I open it up I find something else that needs to be added. It's been a nightmare. Particularly because their history requires a LOT of explanation and mitigation. If you don't speak home study, all that means is I had a deadline and there was more and more unforeseeable work that came up each time I worked on it. And of course, like the story always goes, the rest of the job doesn't ease up because you have one pressing project. If anything, more things come up (and they did today). So the time I set aside to complete this home study was taken by the other thing that took the rest of my afternoon. I was an hour, in traffic, away from Denzel, so I picked him up as school was closing. The daycare lady and I chatted about preschools, and Denzel didn't leave the toys right away-like every day. Traffic going home, nothing for dinner, went to grab something for dinner, waited in line FOREVER, finally came home and ate, and I almost broke. It was 7:30pm, D's bedtime, and we were just finishing dinner. Then Patrick called. I told him I'm stressed and can't handle anything anymore. Did I mention he's got a late night job tonight?! He said he would take Denzel to school tomorrow, even though he's working until midnight (or later), and I thanked him. Meanwhile, the home study still plagued my mind. At this point it's almost 8pm, Denzel is no where near being ready for bed, and I picked at my dinner while checking my email. Because someone who's stressed needs to check their email? I know, it's stupid. But exactly what needed to happen tonight. The family whose home study I was STRESSING out about is sick, and wanted to give me a heads up-in case I wanted to reschedule. #1: THANK YOU for thinking about pregnant me getting sick. I have some families that don't give me a heads up, and I show up at their house when ALL family members are hacking up a lung. THANK YOU for being considerate!! #2: Of course I'm going to reschedule!! And just like that, time stopped, I felt my cortisol levels drop, and my mind slowed to a normal pace. One single email changed the destiny of my night. I don't think that's an exaggeration. I was ready to be taken away on a 5150-a psych hold for those of you who don't know.

I know it sounds cliche, but I really get the sense that God knew something very very bad would have happened, had I not been relieved of...something, anything! But immediately...email...problem solved.

So tomorrow I'll deal with my food problems, my lack of appetite. Tomorrow I'll deal with feeling like I'm back in first trimester but now with a huge watermelon belly. Tomorrow I'll still have work to do, a kid to feed breakfast to, clothe, bathe, take care of. Tomorrow the dishes will still be there. And tomorrow I will figure out my game plan for childcare when the baby comes. Okay, maybe I won't accomplish all that tomorrow. But for today, I will try to sleep 8 hours and only be interrupted 3 times to pee. Today I will tuck my child in to bed and sing to him billions of times so he isn't scared. Today I will say, thank you Lord for taking care of me--sustaining me just enough for today.

What I have to give

My precious little boy,

Life is hard work, my love. Very hard work. Sometimes you get to experience beauty, sometimes incredible joy. Sometimes you may feel intense sorrow, and sometimes you'll want to just throw in the towel. There is one guarantee though-life takes work.

I don't mean work as a job or career, although that's pretty much a necessity. I mean work as in effort, attitude and perseverance. And if I could give you one bit of encouragement it would be this-it's worth it. It's worth your effort--it's worth the work.

Right now you're tucked away snug in my belly, and you make your presence known...well, often throughout the day. I actually appreciate it, as much as it is painful sometimes, because at least I know you're okay. Lately, I've been thinking often of what you'll be like, what your personality will be, how different you'll be from your brother. I've also been thinking of how I can best prepare you for life. I won't lie to you, it's really hard sometimes. But I will do everything I can to make sure you do okay in life. You should know though, that at some point it's up to you. I can teach you, and train you, and love you with all that's in me. But at some point you'll have to do it on your own.

For now though, I'll give you all that I have. I will give you every ounce of love that I can muster. I will give you patience until I break, and then I'll go back and try again. I'll give you safety, comfort, a family that loves you beyond your little baby understanding. And I'll give you all of me. I'm not perfect by any means, but I try the very best I can. And I won't give up on you. No matter your struggle, no matter your hardship. I will always love you.

So when, or if, you read this later on, remember that the things you work the hardest for, those are usually the things that bring you the most joy and fulfillment. You are that to me my love. You are that to me.

Love,
Mom

Real Intimacy.

I've had an ongoing affair for years now, with God. I know it sounds weird to say that, but it's become very clear to me that I've treated God as an on again off again relationship. When things are on, they're amazing, and they're powerful. When things are off, I do what I want, go my own way, spend very little effort or time with the Lord. Maybe you've had a similar experience. But recently my soul has been crying out for more depth, more authenticity, more of the life-giving relationship, that I'm pretty sure I don't even know. I've been binging on junk food religion, and it hasn't necessarily been fully conscious. I know what to say, how to say it, I know what I'm supposed to do, who I'm supposed to hang out with, what I'm supposed to pray...but all of that has come to a dead end. I've been really into health lately, so forgive the analogies, but I've eaten myself into disease-faith wise. My soul has finally rejected my "religion" and my view of "God" and will only settle for the raw, real, and true God. I think I've come to a crossroads where the doctor basically says to you, well, you can continue doing what you're doing, and your organs will fail one by one. Or you can change your lifestyle, and you will slowly begin to see your health restored.

If you know me well, you know that God has put this incredible passion on my heart for women/girls who are survivors of sex trafficking. I sought out this purpose on my life which lead to a change in career, a change in perspective, and continues to be almost like this mystery that I don't fully understand yet. I'm not where I thought I would be in this work, but the journey has been mind-blowing to say the least. Hear me out, it has not been easy. I left the dream I had of being a teacher, lost some friends along the way that never fully understood my decision, and still find myself with God-given dreams but dead ends. So the dilemma is that I know for a fact, God put this drive in me for a reason-I mean...I didn't choose this of my own accord. But every time I come across an opportunity, it seems too perfect not to happen. It seems amazingly planned by God...and it falls. through. completely. This has happened on a large scale twice, and there have been lots of little let downs along the way. So as you can imagine, I became pretty jaded. Tired of it all. Just done. I mean, Lord, if you're not going to make it work, what do I care?

To complicate things even more, I'm having another child. It's really only complicated because I have literally no plan, no idea what's going to happen after the baby comes. Meaning, financially it is OUTRAGEOUS for us to send an infant to full-time childcare on our current take-home. So then maybe I work part time? But then who do we send to school? Denzel or baby? Or both? What days? And where? Denzel will be preschool age by the time baby comes, so we have to start looking for a place for him, be thinking about the vital bonding time with new baby, and make it all work out financially, for our family, oh yeah...and for mine and Patrick's relationship. I cannot tell you the source of stress this has been, and finally it clicked one day. I realized that this baby will probably be our last, and I'm so concerned about what's going to happen after he comes. It was literally making me sick. Then I felt guilty for being sick with him, I felt guilty for crying and being depressed with him. It was awful. So one day I just decided to ditch it all. I remember someone asking me later that day, "What is your plan after the baby comes?" I said, "I don't know. I literally have no clue." Those words were freedom to me. I don't know. It sounds kind of irresponsible, doesn't it? Like I'm a bad mom, or something. I might have agreed with you before. But today I say-you're wrong. I'm in a place of "there is NOTHING I can do about this right now" so I'm choosing to do nothing. Nothing but be in the moment. And you know what? I've found great peace in that. Incredible peace, in knowing that God will make it work out, somehow. I almost don't even care how. I only care that it will be worked out.

Moving a few steps forward...in this whole process of changing my lifestyle, my soul is crying out for real authenticity. For real community. Real relationship. For the real God. I'm getting rid of the bullshit-and seeking pure wholeness, restoration, and reorienting myself with who God really is. Actually, reorienting isn't really the right word. It's more like starting over, starting a new. It's like I got a divorce, and have decided to begin courting all over again-in hopes that I will find a different outcome and a different relationship. Well, so far I have.

I'm starting to fall in love with a God who loves me in my nakedness. You know that vulnerable time when you're seen with nothing to hide behind? No clothes, no makeup, nothing. And what I get back is overwhelming love. What I see in his eyes is only love. In all my flaws and imperfection, I'm seen as beautiful, as perfectly created. I'm beginning to know a God who wants less small talk, and wants more authentic relationship. It's no more about the "I should read the Bible" or "I know I need to pray more." It's now about the condition of my heart, how I surrender myself to him, and the truth in how I'm feeling.

Today I think was a starting point for this new relationship I have with God. And I can tell this is lasting. What we had before-well, I just wasn't committed. And while I went my own way, did my own thing, God waited patiently for me. He knew I'd come around though. So now I begin my life with a new love-one that I'd failed in the past-but that I get to start over again. I surrender now and give myself fully to the one who never wanted the other garbage to begin with. Here I am, raw, undone, and tired of the show. I'm ready for real intimacy. I'm ready for the real God.

My littlest love

My sweet boy,

You have already captured my heart with your movement inside me and the lousy black and white pictures we got of you from the doctor. But I feel like I already have to apologize for what you're coming into. It's nothing extreme-I mean, you won't have FASD because I don't drink and none of my exams indicate that there's any struggle you're having at all. (I work in foster care, that's how I think-can't help it). But I still feel the need to apologize, nonetheless. You see, I thought I could do it all. I thought I could work full time (which is really turning out to be lots of over time), take care of your brother, be a wonderful wife to your daddy, follow Christ, have healthy friend relationships, work out, eat healthy, get your room ready, have fun planning where things will go and which clothes to hang up first. I thought I would keep up with my prenatal yoga, pray for you daily, talk to you all the time, and just sit in awe that the life that grows inside me is you-beautiful, unique, and perfect. But I'm struggling with literally ALL of those things I listed. All of those things that I so badly desire are not turning out how I planned this time around. Work is a big cause of my stress, which literally affects my health, well being, mental health, happiness, time...I mean, everything. And ultimately, it affects you. I know you feel when I'm stressed, when I'm tired, when I cry, when I'm angry or upset. You know when everything happens, and you really can't get away. I'm pretty certain that even as I battle this lousy cold, you're going through the very same thing with me. I'm sorry. I'm sorry I can't be stress free, work out as much as I want, or spend time just playing music for you and striking up a conversation. But know that I'm doing the very best I can. It's just that things are pretty stressful right now. But there is one thing that is very important you know. And that is, I would give my life for you. I love you more than my own mind understands, and we haven't officially met yet. I'm not a perfect mom- your brother will I'm sure tell you that later on-but I love you with every fiber of my being. And I'm honored to be your mommy. So, I'll keep trying to spend more alone time with you, and you do your best to only eat the nutrient-dense things I feed you-kindly skip over the occasional junk food meal :) I love you sweetheart, and can't wait to meet you, face to precious little face. 

Always your mommy,

Me