I wouldn't do it

Denzel is sleeping next to me on the couch. He's peaceful, he's calm (which is rare), and he's even "sucking" a little in his sleep. You know, like he's still eating. He is, in my eyes, God's beautiful perfection. Not yet aware of the world's ways. Not yet knowledgeable of sin, or of evil that lurks. He is a small bit of God's love for me to see right now, right here in this moment. And so I think about how I could ever give him up-knowing that he would have to die a painful death. That I would have to turn my back on him in order to save those he hasn't even seen yet. Could I do it? Could I give up my son to save others? You might say, "YES! Jesus paid the price for so many, of course!" But I say no. I wouldn't. I wouldn't give up my perfect son for anyone or anything. Save millions, maybe even billions? I don't care. This is my flesh and blood, literally created inside me, and you say watch him die-AND be rejected by the people he came to save? No. Not me. Not him.

So how did God do it? I can't even fathom. My human-mother brain can literally not understand. I don't get it. But for me today, it's not about getting it. It's about being in awe. It's about being so in awe-knowing I would never do the same, and being grateful. Grateful that God did give me the chance. That he put his son's life on the line so that I might live. Amazing. That is amazing love. Love that I can't wrap my head around, but wow am I blown away by it. In complete awe.

I approach today, Good Friday, from a whole new perspective as a parent. I know I'm not God (good thing for you!!) but I'm blown away by His grace. Blown away. Thank you Lord for your sacrificial love, for continuing to love me, and for giving up your own flesh-your own son so that I might live. I praise you today for your goodness. Amen.

SCENTSY STOCK SALE!!! (While supplies last)

SCENTSY STOCK SALE!!!

(Once an item is sold, I'll remove it from the list)

Full-Size Warmers $17:

NO MORE AVAILABLE, SORRY.

Mid-Size Warmers $11

Plug-In Warmers $9

(The one below was used for display, but still has a box)

Buddies $13

NO MORE AVAILABLE, SORRY

Bars $3

Pima Cotton

Bars $5 (not on sale, sorry)

2-Snowberry, French Lavendar, Baked Apple Pie, Skinny Dippin', Christmas Cottage, Whiteout, Tingelo, Clean Breeze, Pumpkin Roll

Prices already include tax. First come, first serve. Cash only please. Email me if you're interested in purchasing jazzyshmazzy17@gmail.com

Sometimes I Wish I Were Amish

How's that for a title: Sometime I Wish I Were Amish. It's true though. The Amish have it right: simplicity. The word I'm trying to live by this year: simplicity. Except that I just broke that new years resolution by introducing my kid to a bottle. Simplicity? Yeah, that's thrown out the window.

I've been on the job hunt with the intention of going back to work so Patrick can work on his school stuff now. We're switching roles, and I feel really good about it. So, I've been trying to get ready to go back. Yesterday we went to Babies 'R Us, and walked down the bottle aisle. No, more like bottle section. Have you seen all the choices in bottles?! It's totally unreal. The two of us looked dumbfounded. "Uhhh, I dunno...what do you think?" ::Patrick's eyes were huge, and he remained motionless:: I swear it was a scene out of a cartoon. Patrick and I just stand there looking up to the top of the display, but it just keeps growing...like Alice in Wonderland...or Jack's Beanstalk...something crazy like that. TONS of bottles! I shook myself up a little and said, "Oh yeah, I'm going to get Tommee Tippy bottles." (Great name right?) I'd seen a friend of mine with those and liked the shape-very breast-like-but later I will learn they're not at all the same. Plastic and human that is. I'm going to skip our conversation because we literally stood there for more than 5 minutes trying to figure out which nipples to buy (they have different flows!), what size bottle, etc. etc. We ended up with two overwhelmed parents and four different Tommy Tippees in our cart. Whatever, I'm glad that's over.

Then we went to the diaper section. Now this I've got down. My kid has worn just about any diaper well. What we buy is really a matter of preference (mine and Patrick's) and cost. Well, score! There's a sale! We find some good AND cheap diapers. Load up the cart and head to the check out. I just remember that two couples we know are expecting so we make a quick stop to get some cards. I found a really funny one...

Sometimes it really feels like that. Baby is upset and you don't know why. I've had 4 months now to get to know this little guy, and I think for the most part I know what he needs. I've definitely had these moments though. And D has never even had colic. Lord bless the parents that have babies with bad colic. 

Where was I? Oh yeah. So we get the cards, check out and breathe a huge sigh of relief as we load up the car. 

Skip ahead to today. I think to myself, "I'm gonna try these cute new bottles." So I pump, dump it in cute little Tommee Tippee and try to feed D. He looks at me like, SWEET! A NEW TOY! And proceeds to chew the nipple. I watched him almost in a panic. I mean, I do NOT want to encourage that behavior!!! But at least he's okay with it...but then he actually got hungry...and this bottle was not ok with him. "Get the toy out of my face, Mom, and give me the real stuff"-is what his wailing said to me.  See how the card above is a baby with mostly mouth? That was D all the way. It killed me. I almost started crying myself. So I give him to Patrick, because he loves Patrick. Maybe Daddy has the magic touch.

Nope. Not this time.

I caved after probably like 5 minutes. I KNOW! It's terrible. But when your child is crying because you're withholding something from him-something that you could easily give to him, and worked very hard to get right (worked hard for 3 months I might add!)-and that something is basically you...it feels like an eternity. I felt like I was abusing my child. Neglecting him. Being a terrible mother. I know it's not rational, but that's how I felt. I caved.

He was exhausted from crying (he doesn't cry very much, I think he wasn't used to this) and then eating like the world is coming to an end, and D fell asleep right away. 

Two hours later I attempted again. Patrick actually tried to feed him and I stayed in the other room. He didn't cry quite as much, but still didn't take the bottle very well. I lasted like 13 minutes this time...then I tried feeding him from the bottle. He WAILED. He smelled my weakness. I gave in again.

I felt like such a failure. How could I go back to work? How could I leave him with anyone for more than two hours during the day? Waaaaaaaaah! It was my turn to cry. 

Then I posted something on Facebook about the bottle thing and got a shlew of responses. Most of them were of the, "went through that same thing myself" nature. That got me thinking: why do we expect so much of little kids? I mean, really. Just consider for a moment the things we expect our babies to do-and do without struggling I might add:

-Sleep with lots of noise going on all around them

-Eat on a schedule

-Nap on a schedule

-Stay quiet 

-Drink from a plastic contraption, instead of mother nature's cup

Now tell me: when was the last time you slept through the vacuum? I sometimes wake up when there's a loud bird outside. Forget the vacuum! But we expect kids to sleep through loud noise.

What about eating on a schedule? When was the last time you said to yourself, "Self, I'm so hungry, but I can't eat for another couple hours because I'm on a schedule" ? ERRRRN, WRONG! Ok, if you've done that, you must be superhuman.

Sleeping on a schedule? I think there are few adults that can say they've sleep through the night, every single night, period. We all have insomnia once in a while. We all go to bed late because we want to hang out with friends or whatever. And you know what? I'll be bold enough to say that I'm not pleasant when I wake up. I'm just not. 

Staying quiet. I have friends in their 20s...30s...even 50 year olds that don't know the "appropriate time" to be quiet. So you expect a child, who doesn't fully comprehend language, and is figuring out their own voice to not use it? HA! So what do we do? We plug up their noise maker. Stick a pacifier in it. Done and done. 

Why? Why do we do these things? Doesn't it seem a little silly? Sometimes these things are handy, they're convenient for us adults certainly. But convenience aside, why do we put our kids through this stuff? It seems kind of silly, don't you think? 

And that's when I wish I was Amish. Things are so much simpler. Almost like back to the way nature was designed. But then I wouldn't have this computer to write this post now would I? ;)

No longer a mulitasker

I need a support group. Really, I feel like I do sometimes. You see, being a mom is hard work. I know, I know-duh Andrea. I know they say your life will never be the same, and all sorts of other cliches, but I'm now starting to feel like I don't measure up.

This morning I went to breakfast with my friend Stefani. I love Stefani. I was so excited to see her and spend some quality time, but I'm not sure that it was quality time per se. You see, I had to take D, and the fact is I just can't focus on anything fully when I have him. I try. Lord knows I try to focus on the conversation, on ordering my food, heck! on eating my food! But I can't. This is literally what goes on in my head...

-When was the last time he ate?
-Which side did he eat on last? (It matters!)
-Is he making noise because he needs his diaper changed?
-Oh my gosh, where is the bathroom?
-If he has a blowout, I don't have any extra clothes for me, I'll have to go home.
-Does the bathroom have a changing table? (You'd be surprised at how many don't)
-What can I eat that requires little utensil-usage in case he gets fussy and I have to hold him on my lap-which leaves only one hand?
-Is this a quiet place or a loud place?-I mean I don't want stares from people that are mad there's a crying baby.
-How far away is this place from home?

But wait, there's more...

-He's frowning, is he going to cry? Is he going to scream?
-He's going to want to eat-where can I feed him?
-I prefer a booth so people behind me don't see my back.
-There aren't any booths, I've gotta make due with these little garden chairs.
-Does he still have both socks on? Both shoes? Those things cost as much as mine!
-He had a boogar in his nose a second ago...great, it's probably on me now and I can't see it.

Then the ordeal that I call "feeding in public."

-Yes he cries before he latches, no I don't know why. He's got a short frenulum-it frustrates him. Pretty sure that's what it is.
-Baby legs and arms flailing about
-Snorting (him, not me)
-Latching, unlatching, latching, unlatching
-My kid is a messy eater
-Get my shirt out of his way...he's a messy eater
-Now he's crying, I really wish I could just feed him w/o this hooter hider, we all know what boobs look like...yeah buddy, even you who is giving me a mean stare...don't pretend like you don't know.
-Now he's choking, gotta lift him up
-Now he's gagging, gotta lift him up again
-Quit grabbing my shirt, D
-He's frustrated and he's moving his head all around...still attached
-Let's not bite mom!
-Latch, unlatch, latch, unlatch
-Eyes are getting heavy
-Asleep, finally. Wait...no, he is aslee...no, now he's definitely...oh come on, just go to sleep.
-I unlatch him, he spills whatever milk is left in his mouth all over me-click strap, pull down shirt, get kid out of the "veil"-lol, take it off me, burp baby, and...

"Oh yeah, this weekend we don't really have much planned. How about you?"

Do you see what I mean? So no, it's not hard manual labor (unless you want to count all the baby crap I lug around on a daily basis), but it's exhausting. Do I bring the ergo? He always hates it at first. Should I put him in the stroller? Maybe I could just carry him in real fast-but then I'll only have 1 hand-do I need both hands for anything?

It's non-stop. And I do it because I love him. I take him out of the car seat and stroller because its not good for his soft little noggin'. I change his diaper constantly because I don't want him to get diaper rash (and he hasn't by the way). I talk to him face to face because it's important for his development, his growth and his personality. But it's tiring. And the thing that makes me most sad is I can't multitask anymore. When I yearn to catch up with a friend over coffee, I can't give my complete attention to my dear friend. When I want to talk to my husband about his day on the phone, I can't because I'm feeding D and he's struggling to latch. It's hard. And I don't know how to get better at multitasking like this. It's really hard for me to swallow that reality. I used to be a MASTER at multitasking. I could sing lyrics to a song I know while reading an article. I could do the dishes, listen to a podcast, talk to the dogs and tell you everything that was on the podcast. I could listen to a student, write an email (I know that's not good listening) and still tell a different student everything they need to bring to the next concert. Master's in Multitasking-I should've gotten it. Now I'm lucky if I hear the whole sentence from the person in front of me. Total bonus points if I come up with an answer in a complete sentence! I need help.

I've been a mom for 2 months and already I feel inadequate at everything else. Don't feel like such a great mom sometimes either...right when I feel down, I see that lady. You know the one I'm talking about, with her cute little dressed baby, quietly eating from a bottle-mom talking to her best friend, mom is stick thin, makeup done, hair beautiful-better than what I can do on a day I didn't have to worry about a baby. Sigh. Maybe I'm just not cut out for this. Or maybe I should stop looking around at everyone else, and look down at my beautiful child-who is healthy, so handsome, and has the sweetest personality. Wow, I can hardly believe he's mine. It's almost like I don't deserve him-boy, am I blessed.

I'm not perfect, I'm clearly new at this mom thing and I feel super inexperienced, but it is what it is. I should be able to figure it out eventually, right? (At least in 18 years :D)

As for Stefani? Well, she's an amazing friend who is giving beyond belief and supportive when no one else is. I'm sure she understood my dilema this morning. Love you, friend :)

I raise my Starbucks (hot because I was too distracted to remember to say "iced") to all the other moms out there that feel pulled in every direction. Here's to keeping the kids alive...oh and getting dressed once in a while too :)

5 Weeks

It's always the chihuahuas

I wish I had pictures to share, but I honestly had no free hands to take ANY pictures!

Today. Oh my. Today was quite an adventure. You may or may not know that we are a one-car household right now. The reasons are simple: Patrick's car died-and we donated it, my car is paid off and we don't want a car payment from buying a second car, our auto insurance right now is CHEAP!!, and we're going to pay cash for our next car-which will probably be sometime early next year. Long story short, we're making it work. Oh by the way, did I tell you my car has 200K miles on it? :) Ha ha ha. There are some other challenges with it too...like the fact that it has only 2 doors...and getting a car seat in and out of the backseat of a 2-door vehicle, not an easy task. 
This is what my car looks like. Except mine is keyed on the right side, has taillight tape all over the left light, no moonroof like this one, and the headlights are starting to yellow. Oh yeah, and a Central Christian Church sticker, and a Scentsy sticker. What can I say, its definitely broken in. Billy Bob-that's what I call my car-was half a gift to me from my parents for my 18th birthday AND high school graduation. The other half I paid for. So it was PERFECT for me in HS. It was even perfect for me in college. Um, it was doable when I got married. And now that there are 2 adults, 1 baby, and 2 dogs in our family, it's a little...cumbersome with those two doors and minimal space.

So back to today. Today was the day that the Animal Shelter was giving free rabies shots and other discounted shots for dogs. Well, being the frugal people we are, of course we were going to take advantage of FREE rabies shots. Both Kiri and Ella need them anyway, and it beats a $300 bill from the vet for the exact same thing.

So strategically we planned this trip. I was at home with the car, and Patrick was at work. I was going to load up both dogs (large dogs by the way), the baby, pick up Patrick from work, then go to the Animal Shelter. Not as easy as it sounds. In fact, it was sort of a joke-me trying to load up two really excited dogs into my 2-door car, then a baby. I pull up to Schwab and Patrick starts walking to the car. He sees what can only be described as a clown car (us) and starts laughing. In life, laughter is good. But I was a little stressed out. I get in the backseat with one baby and one dog, and Patrick drives to Phoenix. Ella is his co-pilot.

We get there and the dogs go crazy from seeing all the other dogs...and the line is out the door, to the parking lot. Of course. It's free shot day, why wouldn't there be a LONG line? No parking spots close by, so Patrick pulls up to a red curb and we pause to figure out what to do. It's decided he's going to take the dogs and stand in line while I go with baby to find a parking spot somewhere else. Sweet, I like plans. Patrick gets out with the dogs and joins the pack. The pack of wild and incredibly unmannered and misbehaved dogs. The chihuahuas were the worst. Always the chihuahuas.

So I look for a parking spot farther away-nothing. And keep in mind I have to carry the car seat with baby in it, plus a diaper bag. Then Patrick calls me, "Hey, this line is really really long. What if you go get dinner while I wait here." "Okay." Baby is still asleep, so I venture my way out to 27th ave and Van Buren. Imagine industrial, trashy, area. The kind of area you wouldn't be caught dead in (or actually you might) late at night. I think I remember a police officer telling me this area is one of the more popular tracks in Phoenix. Tracks-n. an area in which prostitutes loiter to find...well you know. Cue bladder message to brain-I have to pee. Great. Well, there's no way I'm getting out of the car here...wow, I just saw a drug deal...and Lord knows I'm not taking my baby out so I can go to the bathroom. Just going to hold it. I finally find a Jack in the Box. Drive thru it is. I order quickly, get the food and drive back to where I left Patrick. I probably could have just followed the sound of the barking chihuahuas.

Anyway. I get there, chow down my food, get the car seat w/baby, diaper bag, Jack in the Box bag and soda all out of the car and stumble to where Patrick is waiting in line. You can call me Andrea the pack mule Jones. Patrick is still waiting outside the building in line. The dogs (our dogs) are staying so close to him and to me, which is not like them, but I quickly learn why. The dogs (and really, the owners) that come to these free rabies shot days are not real...uhh...dignified people. There are some pretty aggressive dogs there. Some obnoxious dogs, and owners. And some real loud mouth dogs. Some people have leashes. You know, like the kind you buy in a store. But other people have chains, rope and various other restraint mechanisms. I even saw the chain from a light fixture used as a leash. Interesting.

It didn't take long for us to decide that it would be best if I waited in the car with D. Glad I did too. It took exactly 2 hours for us to be done at that place, and it was a long 2 hours. But we got what we came for: free rabies shots. On the way home we sort of laughed about our "family trip." There was a person and/or dog in every seat. 5 seats, and someone/thing occupied every one. And you know the small little middle seat in the back? Yeah, that's where I sat. Next to a car seat that took up more than one seat, and an 81 pound dog that just couldn't get comfortable. And that my friends is what you call an adventurous family outing. At least we saved some money :)

Somethings I can't explain-part 1

Something happened to me since becoming a mother. Several things actually. And there doesn't seem to be logic to explain them away. At least none that I can find. Maybe you can relate, maybe not. Either way, this is what perplexes me-logically speaking.

Holding my son.

When you ask to hold my son, a part of me wants to just come out and say, "Nope." It doesn't matter who you are. The only person this doesn't apply to is Patrick. Yup, he's it. Every single other person makes me, to different degrees, totally nervous/anxious/uneasy. It feels like I'm extracting my literal heart each time and saying, "Here you go. Don't drop it, be gentle and care for it as if it were your own." I don't think this metaphor is too far fetched. I mean, he did come from inside just like my heart...but I digress. The funny thing is, a lot of people are much more cautious about holding him than I am. Not like I'm rough or throw him around, but they're usually SUPER careful. Still with every transfer from my arms to another's, part of me can't handle it (on the inside). Of course lots of people have held him, so I obviously have had to deal with this. And no one would know I feel this way because I'm a master of covering up my emotions usually. But that is it. And I can't explain it. Even if I was going to put him down anyway. Even if I'm exhausted. Even if my arms are burning because those muscles aren't quite used to holding a now 10 pound babe...I still freak out on the inside when anyone holds my child.

What not to do: Don't give me a hard time about this. Don't say to me, "Well, I was going to ask to hold D, but I know you freak out...so I guess I won't." I might kick you out of my house, and I definitely won't appreciate your snide remark.

What to do: If you want to hold him, ask. I probably won't give him up on my own accord...I'm just being honest. But I will gladly let you hold him if you ask. Also, just be understanding of how I feel. You don't need to say a word about it-just know that I'm talking myself down off the ledge on the inside. I'll be fine though. Just be understanding when you hold him, and know that you are holding everything that I love in one small little package. :)