Somethings I can't explain-part 1

Something happened to me since becoming a mother. Several things actually. And there doesn't seem to be logic to explain them away. At least none that I can find. Maybe you can relate, maybe not. Either way, this is what perplexes me-logically speaking.

Holding my son.

When you ask to hold my son, a part of me wants to just come out and say, "Nope." It doesn't matter who you are. The only person this doesn't apply to is Patrick. Yup, he's it. Every single other person makes me, to different degrees, totally nervous/anxious/uneasy. It feels like I'm extracting my literal heart each time and saying, "Here you go. Don't drop it, be gentle and care for it as if it were your own." I don't think this metaphor is too far fetched. I mean, he did come from inside just like my heart...but I digress. The funny thing is, a lot of people are much more cautious about holding him than I am. Not like I'm rough or throw him around, but they're usually SUPER careful. Still with every transfer from my arms to another's, part of me can't handle it (on the inside). Of course lots of people have held him, so I obviously have had to deal with this. And no one would know I feel this way because I'm a master of covering up my emotions usually. But that is it. And I can't explain it. Even if I was going to put him down anyway. Even if I'm exhausted. Even if my arms are burning because those muscles aren't quite used to holding a now 10 pound babe...I still freak out on the inside when anyone holds my child.

What not to do: Don't give me a hard time about this. Don't say to me, "Well, I was going to ask to hold D, but I know you freak out...so I guess I won't." I might kick you out of my house, and I definitely won't appreciate your snide remark.

What to do: If you want to hold him, ask. I probably won't give him up on my own accord...I'm just being honest. But I will gladly let you hold him if you ask. Also, just be understanding of how I feel. You don't need to say a word about it-just know that I'm talking myself down off the ledge on the inside. I'll be fine though. Just be understanding when you hold him, and know that you are holding everything that I love in one small little package. :)