Free

It's been a pretty reflective kind of day. I think Good Friday naturally causes that to occur in me, but I felt extra aware of what was going on today.

This morning was totally peaceful, quiet, still. Denzel spent the night at Grandma and Grandpa's, Patrick went to work around 3am, and he took the dog with him. I was all alone with my thoughts. I don't know if it's so rare that I'm alone with my thoughts, but for some reason they were loud this morning. Yup, my thoughts were loud.

I got ready for work and the house was silent. I was maybe even feeling a bit lonely because Denzel wasn't there-maybe I wasn't used to the quiet-who knows. All I could think about was this dreaded meeting I had to go to. Not dreaded as in it's going to be so boring. Dreaded as in awkward, unpredictable, and ALL about me. It was the kind of meeting where someone who is unpleased with you is about to unleash all their frustrations and paint you in the worst possible light. That's the kind of dreaded I'm talking about. I texted a few friends who knew about the meeting and they encouraged me a lot. I tried further to keep my mind off of it (so as to not aggravate my psychosomatic symptom--a stomachache that was literally making me sick). Sorry, I'm a social worker, I diagnose, that's what I do.

I was ready much earlier than normal-duh, I had no kid around! So I went outside to water my plants. Gardening has always been a peaceful and calming thing for me. I walked around to each of the plants and gave them the life that they've been starved of the past week. Sorry little plantys, I've been busy this week. I got to the apple tree-planted before we moved in, but obviously still very young-and in a world of hurt.

The owner before us was training the limbs of this tree to grow out on a wire like wine grapes. I know, it sounds weird. She had the branches tied down tight to make sure the branches grew horizontally, not like the tree is supposed to. I've been wanting to cut the branches free for some time, and I had a couple of minutes. I grabbed some scissors and started to cut it free. Tie after tie I cut loose, and I swear I heard the tree gasping for air, like I was giving it freedom. Freedom from these ties that someone else imposed on this poor tree. I was sort of expecting the branches to resume their natural shape immediately. Not really sure why I thought that would happen-it had been several months, maybe even a year or more that this tree was being trained like this, and honestly, I was a little disappointed when it didn't work out that way. Isn't that just like life though? We've been trained for so long to do something that wasn't natural, or not the way it was intended, and when we're cut loose it still takes a while to resume our natural shape. I know, I know, it's a crazy epiphany to get from a tree in the backyard, but I'm not exaggerating--this tree spoke to me. I started to tell Patrick about it tonight and he started to chuckle a little. I told him I was so serious about how much I've been thinking about it. I think he felt bad for laughing :) But...I would laugh too, it's sort of silly.

I went to the meeting, and honestly, it was a joke. Insults were passively thrown at me, false accusations were made about what I'd said or done, and I really didn't get much of a chance to speak up about it because she (the accuser) talked for 1 hour and 50 minutes of the 2 hour scheduled meeting. I literally just sat there and took it. And in the end nothing was resolved. Duh.

I continued my rushed and semi-stressful day, and now I find myself in a similar position to this morning. Kiri is asleep on her dog bed, Denzel has been asleep for a while, and even Patrick is passed out. I'm here alone again, with my loud thoughts.

Something brings me back to the tree. I don't know why. But I keep thinking that the apple tree and I have a lot in common. For so long I've operated a certain way-stressed, busy, frantic, exhausted...and repeat each day. But a couple of weekends ago, God cut me free. He came by with the scissors and cut off my ties. I was free! But my branches haven't gone back totally to what they should be. I think part of it is figuring out how I operate with this new heart-this heart transplant that I've received from God who so faithfully pursued my heart-how do I fit that into the life that continues to be stressful, busy, frantic, and exhausting? It all started with attitude, which, let's be honest, is a BIG deal for me :) My attitude was 100% transformed. So now it's learning to live with a different shape-the shape I was intended to be. I'm going to stop reaching out for what feels comfortable, and reach for the Lord who spoke my very existence into being. The very Creator that said Andrea will be a treasured woman, an advocate for children, my precious daughter...and not a tree. But I'm grateful for the tree, because today it made me think.

On this Good Friday, I challenge you to think about what is tying you down and let God free you from this distorted idea of what you think you should be. Freedom is precious, and breathtaking, but it's not always easy. How remarkable though, that the path was made for us on this day, so many years ago. Today was the day Jesus decided that your freedom was more important than his life. So he's waiting to cut the ties and let your branches free.

**Picture of this apple tree is not the one in my backyard, but this one is being trained in a similar way.**