Big red letters

Well, the result of my goofy free online test said...

Final result

Severe depression

You have the symptoms of severe depression. The condition seems to cause serious problems in your everyday life, and you should consult your doctor immediately.

Depression is a disease like any other disease, and it can be treated very effectively. Recognizing that you are suffering from depression is the first positive step. If you are depressed, you should arrange to see your doctor to talk about the illness right away. You may also want to raise the issue with your friends and family. You should look for support from these people you until you get well. Anyone can suffer from depression, and the symptoms can vary from person to person. Treatments, including medication and psychotherapy, have a very high success rate.

And I knew it because I work in mental health...which is why I took the goofy test online to begin with. First I should tell you, there's nothing to worry about. I don't do medication, but I am going to find a therapist that takes my new insurance. I knew I needed to go back to therapy, I think I just needed a silly test with red letters to say, "You should probably do that today, Andrea." I'm also not suicidal or homicidal, so immediate risk averted for all you in the field.

I bring depression up because I think it's really important that people know the impact minimizing has on another person's story. My job has been the catalyst of this recent downfall in my personal mental health. I've tried really really hard to maintain my stability in various ways that have worked for me in the past: blasting good music up really high in the car while I'm driving, meditations, mindfulness, words of affirmation, listening to interesting podcasts that help and also ones that are just to distract me from the intensity of my work, both eating well and eating whatever I'm craving, sex (it's true), cleaning and organizing, spending really good quality time with my kids, lavender oil, essential oils in general, I mean I could list a ton of things I've tried to get me back to who I am again. While these things sort of help me maintain a healthy level of overwhelm, my brain has gone into hibernation with regard to making happy juices. It's totally a coping mechanism. It's not something I've done intentionally, but I really believe my body is kicking it up into survival mode--self-preservation. My work is fucking hard, and it's taking a toll.

Rather than come up with solutions of how you can help me find another job (don't worry, I already have an action list of how I'm going to approach this), hear me out on where I am right now. Be with me in my messiness. Be with depressed Andrea, not because you know what to say or do, but because while my emotions are pretty stale right now, or I cry intensely, I still see you reaching out while I come back to my equilibrium. And it takes a little bit of time.

I work with families in crisis, with kids in crisis. I have an intense domestic violence case that we just filed a child abuse report on, a 5 year old child who was hospitalized because he's so out of control, foster care cases, families that might have their kids taken away the next "bad" move they make, it's a lot. One of my skills is maintaining professionalism and a calm attitude while shit is almost literally hitting the fan. But I don't keep that up when clients aren't around. My whole team is hanging on by a half unraveled thread, and as much as we're trying to prop one another up, we're struggling so much in and of ourselves. We work in crisis, and crisis is being absorbed by our very bodies. On Friday we had a team meeting and discussed everything that's been going on with the cases, how difficult they've been, then we talked about how much we're struggling personally. One of my co-workers broke down to her dad on the phone and threw her car keys as far as she could into the street--she just couldn't deal anymore. Another has had extreme insomnia, only sleeping like 3 hours a night for a month. And the other is crying constantly, and then goes to buy something to soothe the pain. These may not be the ways you cope, but they are theirs. I shared with my team that I'm stress eating, and asked if eating a whole bag of gummies is bad if it gets me through and I know why I'm doing it. I had a bunch of clinicians in the room, thought I'd run it by them. I explained that sugar increasingly makes me more and more sick as I've eaten more nutritiously in the past couple of years, and throws off my body so badly. So even while I get clear signs from my stomach to stop, I keep going because I feel like I need it to get through. Sugar is my drug. 

Let me assure you that I feel more ridiculous saying that than you feel believing it. Sugar is a part of our daily lives, we celebrate with it, we commune over it, and of course it's legal. For these reasons, I think people sort of laugh off my issue and just call me crunchy. I usually have a tendency to laugh with them, but yesterday the minimizing of my issue, my "crunchiness" pierced me deeply. No one could possibly know the struggle I have with sugar, even though I've written so much about it on FB and this blog, and for someone to treat it as a non-issue leaves me totally defeated. It may not be your issue, but it IS mine. So rather than laugh, or chalk it up to me being a health nut, or whatever, maybe you empathize instead. You don't have to have my issue. I'd much prefer you didn't. But it is an issue for me. And issues when not monitored turn into the symptoms or behaviors of...BINGO, those big red letters up there, serious mental health concerns. So you don't have to think sugar is bad to think that the quantity by which I consume it is telling of something being not quite right. I'm on a journey to find out medically whats up, and I even have a hypothesis of a hormone imbalance that is really screwing me up. But don't just write it off. I'm not a hypochondriac. At the very least, you're missing what the behavior is pointing to. And at the very most, you're telling me my problem isn't important when it very clearly is.

I'm not angry, ha ha, don't think that emotion is in my bank right now :) But I do need to tell you that people should be seen for the intricacies of their lives. For their struggles, their joys, their dreams, accomplishments, their hang ups, their burdens. And none of those things should ever be minimized. In minimizing, you're telling the person you love, "This is not important," "You are not important."

Luckily, I have a lot of head knowledge about mental health. I know that continuing to eat well and trying to sleep will help me get back on track. I know this is a season, although I've heard that from far too many people recently, the word season is starting to be a word I want to roll my eyes at. I know things will get better. But for now, I don't enjoy eating food like I used to (I just use it to cope), I'm not sleeping well, I'm not happy, my reaction time is pretty slow, and my affect is flat for the most part. But I know I'm important, and I will continue to know that I am valued and loved. I hope you know that too no matter how others treat your struggle.

From the heart of a working mom

My children,

I wish that every night I could tuck you in,
kiss your forehead,
comb your hair after a bath,
but Mommy works, and sometimes a lot.

I have such mixed emotions about working for the well-being of other children while you
go to school all day with a runny nose,
didn't get enough sleep the night before,
and ate yogurt for breakfast in the car because we ran out of time.

Guilt consumes my body when you
cry when I drop you off,
don't want to let go of me,
say, "I missed you today, Mommy."

It actually makes me sick.

They say children are resilient,
that they don't really know,
but you know.
You both know.

So while your teachers get to spend more time with you each day than I do, please know that I'm trying the very best I can. It's not easy for me either. Especially when I think about how my independence was birthed from an early age as I too had a working mother, and also my tendency to not accept help, or shut others out because I didn't need anyone to
achieve,
succeed,
or rise above.
I know there is the potential for you to do that too.

The guilt we place on ourselves is immense, and usually unnecessary, but I think this is a different kind.

You see, the tension of yearning to be with you both, and to help other kids in my work find a sliver of the positive future that you have experienced is important.

I have birthed you both from my body,
and have,
and will
give everything I have to you.

Time,
emotions,
love,
even possessions,
I'd gladly give it all.

But not every kid is so fortunate.
Not every parent is so lucky to have a working mom like I did.
Not every baby is born into a family that stops the world to experience the life that was created.
Not every parent can take maternity or paternity leave without having their finances severely altered.
Not every person knows the difference between surviving and thriving in life.

And that is what God has called me to do here with the short life that I've been given.
I was made to help those children--to care for God's people.

So while I silently suffer in grieving a "perfect" life with just you two, know that what I do is important, and it's necessary. The tears I cry when I come home late totally exhausted are okay, because I will always have room for you. You are from my body, but these other children are from the work of my hands. And sometimes they need hugs around their little bodies just like you do at night.

I'm sorry I can't stay home with you, hire every kind of house help possible to soak up every moment that you grow, mature and develop.
I'm sorry my phone isn't filled with daily pictures of the fun places we go, or the memories we make together.
I'm sorry not every meal is on time or even healthy.
I'm sorry I have little patience after work, or hold you only some of the time.
I'm sorry
and also
I love you.


With every breath that fills my lungs.

I love you.

My heart works overtime for you precious boys, and that will never change, work or not.

Dear Mr. President

Dear Mr. President,

I'm sure you are overwhelmed with a multitude of emotions and feelings as you prepare to depart from office. No doubt you have felt nostalgic as you recall the past 8 years. And I would guess, being a parent myself, you look toward your children and immediately feel grateful that they are of such quality character despite the obstacles thrown in your face, or hateful rhetoric slung at your family that you so graciously addressed. You're a human being, I'm sure it hurt on the inside. But your demeanor on the outside? Superhuman to say the least. I'm grateful for all you've done for our country, and acknowledge that your service has put significant stress in your life, in your relationships, and like all other presidents I've seen, you've got a lot more gray hair now. Like, a lot.

As the countdown to inauguration day comes closer, I feel the pit in my stomach growing bigger and bigger. You see, our country right now is in turmoil. You know that. The hatred has been stirred, and rather than the leader of the people attempting to unify, he continues to belittle, to demean, to verbally assault those that attempt to call out his wrong doings. Our next president has not yet taken his oath, and already I feel my heart begin to mourn. Mourn for the loss of a compassionate nation, mourn for the loss of perseverance in gaining equal rights for all people, and I mourn the loss of our future, my family's future. The heavy weight adds to it's intensity every time his twitter account goes crazy, or every time I hear about another appointed official with so little integrity, he should be marked as having debt in character or human decency. I mourn our nation. And the grieving feels so debilitating that I just sit here and cry. I've never experienced the grief of such a big concept--something so abstract. Certainly of a loved individual, but never something so intangible as the loss of the future that has not yet occurred. You see, even if things stay exactly the same as they are now, and our next president does not add any positive contribution to this nation, but only maintains, he has still wasted 4 years. And although I operate from a strengths-based perspective, I have never found anything more challenging, than to look to our future with reassurance or hope. You don't know me, so I think it's appropriate to tell you that I never put my whole hope or trust in a man. God is the only force that I feel fairly certain is deserving of my trust in it's entirety. But that doesn't mean that I am unfeeling when it comes to our nation. I cannot simply insert the phrase, "God is still on His throne" or "I put my hope in the Lord alone" and become blissfully ignorant to the events that unfold before my eyes. Those statements are true, for me, but what good is a statement by itself? Action in this case is so much more appropriate.

So I will fight. A person's natural response is either fight, flight or freeze, and I am intentionally choosing fight. I will fight for what is fair, what is just, what is foundational to our growth as a nation of social individuals. We are humanity together, and I believe that design to be perfectly constructed even though the humans in humanity screw it up so often. I will fight for the things I value, and not be passive by putting up with or ignoring the injustice that is stripping our nation of its dignity. I will fight.

But for right now, I feel it necessary to grieve. Because this is the reality, and not reality tv, although the two seem to be interchangeable currently. Grief is important to experience because it makes us stronger, it paves the way for resiliency, and damn it America will be resilient. We are one nation, under God, indivisible, and no one power-hungry, narcissist can make that not so. With liberty, and justice for all.

With great humility and gratitude,
Andrea

Need

Need. I work with those is grave need all day long. I work to help stabilize homeless families, families that are oppressed with the cycle of abuse, families that believe bed bugs and cockroaches are a norm. I work with kids who have more life experience at 13 than I do at 31, and not in a good way. I see need constantly in the media. In Aleppo, in the middle east, in our own county. I feel a huge weight when I see the need for racism to cease, for unnecessary authoritative policing to decline, for black men to live through traffic stops. I see need for families to reconcile, for broken relationships to start building again, for cancer to be gone once and for all. I see the need to love and embrace all people, of all color, of all genetic, biological, or altered makeup. There is a lot of need around me. What I fail to see though, is my own need. I have been taught that helping others, is necessary. And I agree. Not only is it necessary, it is in the very core of who I am as a person. It's the job I get paid to do, and the motherhood role I fulfill dutifully. I see need. I address need. Well, others' need at least.

I've seen a theme recently though, and in my life, God is pretty thematic. I really feel like I'm learning more about what it means to need. Sounds pretty basic right? Well, bare with me. I'm a complex individual :)

As a child, and the oldest at that, I was taught to be independent. A very, very good skill to have. My parents taught me how to put gas in the car way before I could drive, they taught me how to write checks before I fully understood what exactly I was writing, and complex problem solving skills? You better believe it. My parents were pretty intentional about ensuring that if something happened to them, I could easily take care of myself and my younger brother no matter the stage of life or age they departed. I'm so very grateful for these skills they taught me, and would not have changed a thing. Somehow though, in all that independence teaching, I distorted the idea of being self-sufficient, into an idea of having no needs. I was good at school, got a full ride academic scholarship to NAU, and a choral scholarship every year I was in school. Things appeared to come easy to me because of my work ethic and independence. People called me a "leader" and later on even a "world changer." I started to embody these foretellings of my life, and didn't have many set backs due to failure. Failure wasn't an option. It wasn't vocabulary in my book. But my leadership skills had become an obsession to have it all put together. And I was all put together until my life trajectory changed while I was teaching. For the first two years I taught, I totally ignored my needs. I gave myself nothing. I didn't get sleep like I should have, I didn't take breaks like I should have, I didn't relationally recharge like I needed to--nothing. And like that snowball picking up speed and weight as it drives downhill, so was my mental and physical well-being. Down, down, down it went to a crashing halt at the bottom of the hill. I scrambled to find out my purpose, my calling, I couldn't be seen in this devastation for long because I'm strong! I have no needs! Patrick was the only one, and maybe German, who really saw me at my lowest at that point. So I found my purpose and my mission, and ran full speed ahead. The problem is that I didn't address my needs then either. So I'm running, not jogging, running towards my goal, and WHAM! someone throws an obstacle in my way. I fall on my face, cry, but pick myself back up again. I have to keep going. I must be strong. I get back to running speed again, and WHAM!! a brick dropped on my head from above. Didn't even see that one coming! I'm pretty beat up and bruised. I'm down for longer, but eventually I get up again and gain speed once more. Did I address my own needs? Of course not. Gotta keep going. So this pattern continues, because "smart" people like me need a lot of obstacles I guess before they have the "smart" thought to try something different. Until finally I reach a point, 2016, where my needs cannot be ignored any longer.

Then it was like I had all the needs. Every one. My marriage was in need. My finances were in need. My mental health was in need. My parenting was in need. My relationships with friends were in need. And the biggest one: my relationship with God was in big need. But rather than see the situation for what it was...me having HUGE needs...I turned away from God. I remember the day I was texting a friend whom I confided in about my lack-luster relationship with God so clearly. "I believe in God, that's not an issue for me. But in all of this, I'm wondering why he doesn't care about my needs? I mean, a good relationship to me is two-sided, and I feel nothing from the other end. I feel only giving from myself, and pouring out what I don't even have to give. So I'm done with it. I'm going to do this on my own, because I can." My beautiful friend sat with me in my hole. She didn't bring in her shovel to help me out, she just hugged me and gave me hope. A couple of weeks later we were texting again about faith things, and I was telling her that in my deconstruction of faith I feel like I have less answers to questions that people ask, but if I had the answers what would be the need for God? And then WHHHHHAAAAAMMMM!!! like a slow-mo lightning bolt, it hit me. Here I've been trying to do this all on my own, and I've had no need for God. I mean, no real need. But when everything I've known to be good was being called into question, suddenly I understood the need for a being of infinite love, a being that far surpasses my own intellect, and frankly probably laughs at how long it took me to figure all this out "on my own." I understood the need for God. And with it, came the knowledge of all the other needs that I do in fact have. The needs started to float up in front of my face, like gravity had taken a momentary break for this special life lesson I was enduring. Now my need for peace in my home became abundantly evident. I have a need to connect with my husband on a daily basis and in specific ways. I need to feel loved, cared for, valued, treasured, by those closest to me. I need to have a clean house 50% of the time. I need to be working toward my career goals, all while embracing my role as a mother. I treasure the time I have with my children, and I need to be present with them as often as possible. I need to regroup, breathe and be mindful before I go to sleep. So many many needs.

It's so easy to see the hurt, the pain and the devastation in the world, or even close to you. The challenge is recognizing and acknowledging your own need. A need that someone else has does not make your need invalid or less than. It does not make your need magically disappear. All people have needs, and it's important not to run past them, because eventually when left unaddressed, needs become monsters that are much harder to slay than if you had just ushered the monster to the place next door. Address, acknowledge, and move along.

I'm continuing to learn about needs, as this is one of the bleakest times of our lives financially that Patrick and I have experienced together. I'm still being reminded that relationships have needs that are unique to each, and as an individual I need to say no more often to others and yes more often to myself. I no longer think I am strong and capable apart from God. Now, I gain my strength from the Lord. He is my source of strength, and provides for my every need. I challenge you to sit down and make a list of the needs you see in those around you, and those in yourself personally. See the needs, acknowledge them, and then create a plan to address a couple of the needs on your list. A worthwhile activity for sure. And in the meantime, find someone you trust, and be honest about your needs.

I conquered sugar for 21 days!! Now what...

Ok, so I did it! I went 3 whole weeks without bread, flour, sugar of any kind (including honey, maple syrup or any sugar substitute), corn, beans, and rice. Quite miraculous I think. I mean, those things were basically my diet prior to this sugar fast. So I did this to do two things: see if I had a sugar addiction (I do/did), and to rebalance my hormones which have been as wack as wack gets for the past...TWO years! Thank you second born. No, I probably can't blame him. I'm the one that is addicted to sugar.

Here was a quick run down of my three weeks...

Day 2-I took a nap (which I hardly ever do) and woke up with the shakes. When I read this prior to my fast I sort of laughed about it being compared to an actual drug. Turns out, withdrawal symptoms are legit. I was withdrawing from my addiction already by day 2. Talk about quick! I started crying because there was no denying I had a true addiction.

Week 1-Really difficult. I made the mistake of not having an eating plan. I just decided I would go for it. Looking back, I'm glad I did just start because I might not have otherwise. There's always an excuse for something like this, and I knew that about myself. BUT, you gotta do research and recipe look ups before you're limited to basically meat, veggies and cheese. The first week was incredibly difficult.

Week 2-I started to get the hang of things, went to the grocery store with a plan, and stuck to it. I still dreamed of cookies and every candy or piece of cake that crossed my path was like the devil himself. I noticed a significant decrease in my waistline. Part of it I'm sure was that my intake decreased, but by the time I went back to consuming tons of food in week 2 (see above week when I had no plan, and felt like I couldn't eat anything), I was still losing. ::TMI:: I noticed I basically had no gas. Didn't realize that being bloated was a thing for me until it was gone. It's amazing the things you don't know are there until they're gone! I felt pretty icky though, and felt like I stunk constantly. Everyone I told this said they didn't smell anything...probably just being too nice...but I felt like my body was detoxing through my pores. It felt gross. I had next to no energy too, which was disappointing. I was eating constantly. Like all day long in week 2.

Week 3-I was still dreaming of sweet things for sure, and felt a little hopeless at the beginning of the week. I thought nothing was going to change if I literally could not get sweet things off my mind. I texted a friend who gave me a good pep talk, and I decided to change my attitude about the whole thing. And what do you know, it worked! I counted down the days, and started appreciating food for it's nutritional value and taste. Before I was emotionally eating all the time. And that's my biggest struggle still--doing something productive with my stress rather than upping my happy hormones with my go-to gummies.

So it's been two days off my sugar fast, and I've noticed some pleasing results. I lost 5 pounds, and most in my abdomen. This has been the most encouraging thing because I still have diastasis recti (abs separated) from pregnancy, but the fat that collected around my stomach pooled only around the unsupported area. Basically, I looked like I was still pregnant because I had fat in the front, not the sides, and it bulged out where my abs were separated. I for sure looked pregnant. But now it's so much better. Huge help for the self-esteem!

The other result that has been great is my knowledge of food and ability to make nutritious meals with mostly produce. I think it's even changed my family's way of eating as we don't have snacky foods in the house anymore. Now snacks aren't crackers or several squeezy pouches of apple sauce. Snack is raw veggies, or hummus, leftovers, healthy fats like avocado or some fruit. Still working on the apple sauce pouches, because man its easy! But the kids will devour a Costco size box in a week, and there's better options than that. So we keep working on it.

Mentally speaking, I think things have mostly improved. I feel more level-headed, less of the really low lows, and my mind feels sharper. Like I'm able to think more clearly without the "fog." I think that's the hormones getting into check.

Something that's a little disappointing: I still think constantly about crap food. Constantly. But now I recognize it. Like yesterday I was thinking all day about those chocolate hazelnut cookies from TJs. After a while I thought, "Why do I really want these?" and figured out that I was craving a treat, some "me" time, and a pat on the back for achieving something. I wanted to celebrate. So instead, I took a bath after a busy and stressful day and it felt wonderful. I don't know how long this will last, but hopefully the longer I eat well the more routine this will become. We went to brunch with my parents in Carlsbad this weekend, and saved a blueberry muffin that came with my meal. The muffin smelled amazing, and I was thinking about it that whole day. Emerson took a few bites that night, and I thought to myself, "It's Sunday night, which is basically Monday, which means I can have a single bite of this muffin I've been dreaming about all day." And I did. And the way it smelled and what I created it to be in my mind (true euphoria), was not at all how it tasted. It was ok. So I had no desire to take another bite simply based on the idea that it was delicious, because it was just okay. I had the same experience with some grapes yesterday. After just a few my tongue was overwhelmed with the sweetness. WILD! This coming from the woman who could eat the entire bag or box of anything sweet in one sitting. The peach was great though.

So now what, you ask? Well, I'm happy that I have a resource, and now the experience to do a sugar fast if things get out of hand again. I'm being realistic and saying that it is likely. This next week I'm introducing fruit back into my diet and still limiting sugar. After that I think I'm going to follow the 80/20 idea. I heard on a podcast that this mother of young children eats really well 80% of the time, and the other 20% she allows herself some "cheat" foods. Which really means like an occasional bowl of cereal (that is already low in sugar), or an occasional dessert on the weekend (homemade coconut ice cream). I really liked that idea when I heard it, and thought it was something that I could realistically follow. As a general rule of thumb, I'm going to try not to buy bread or use flour anymore. There's just nothing nutritious in it, but it tastes soooo good, right?? So not going to buy it, and it won't be a constant temptation in my house.

Monetarily, we spent much less on groceries and food these three weeks than prior to my fast. I think there are probably two reasons for that: 1. Food in a box costs a lot of money either because it's more expensive, or because you eat more of the box of $4 crackers/cookies than a $1 cucumber. And since we had to make everything, we went out to eat maybe twice. I feel like our fridge was always full too and pantry was pretty bare. So there was always some real food to eat. It just takes a little creativity.

There you have it my friends. Sugar fast complete. I highly recommend doing something like this if you have health problems, and then when you reintroduce things back into your diet, listen to your body to figure out what it likes and what it doesn't. Eating well takes a lot, I mean A LOT of work! I was doing dishes all day long. But looking back, I'm so glad I did it. It's a very very small sacrifice to make in this journey of optimal health. Best of luck to you on your own journey!

Spoken like a true addict

If you haven't heard already, I'm doing a 21 day sugar fast, and it blows. I knew I loved sugar, but I was curious how it was affecting my body. I found this test that said basically if you eliminate these things from your diet for 21 days and respond this way, you have an addiction. If you respond this other way you have sugar malabsorbtion, and if nothing happens then you're good. Well, I've gone through withdrawl, including physical symptoms like shaking hands, so I think it's safe to say I have a sugar addiction. I wish I could say this was a joke, because it sounds so stupid to say that my addiction is to sugar. Anyhow, it has only been 5 days so far, and this experience has been eye-opening for sure. I've had two huge realizations over these 5 days.

First, sugar is in e-vry-thing. EVERYTHING! Do you know how difficult it is to find something at any grocery store with no sugar in it? Finding a needle in a haystack I'm certain is much easier. And this specific fast is not just sugar, its absolutely any form of sugar, including fruit, including carbs of any kind, corn, rice, beans, juice. Yeah, it's rough. Having to make an intentional effort to find something without sugar is work. It's depressing, it's upsetting, and it's eye-opening. More on that later.

Second, I realize how much I rely on sugar as my coping mechanism. This is huge. I was telling Patrick tonight how I don't know how to go on after these 21 days and change things because it feels so impossible. Sugar is weaved into our culture. When you have a birthday, do you eat steamed broccoli and grilled chicken?! NO!!! You have a birthday cake and ice cream. When you get married, you feed each other cake. Holidays are all around candy and sweets. And still at the beginning of the fast (hungry, tired and depressed) I feel hopeless that I will ever be able to get rid of sugar despite my greatest efforts. What's more is...I'm not sure that I want to. Patrick chuckled and said, "That's like saying you don't know how to have fun without alcohol." "I could give up alcohol in a heartbeat." "Of course, because that's not your addiction." Alright, point made always-right-when-I-hate-it-most husband. I said, "What if I like my sugar addiction? What if I'm not ready to give it up?" It's okay if you laugh a little to yourself, I mean those questions sound downright ridiculous because we're talking about sugar. Not talking about cocaine or heroin, no meth, I'm not an alcoholic, it's sugar for goodness sakes. So I'm clearly not ready to part yet. And then I got to thinking, why am I so reliant on this drug?

I considered long and hard the feeling of eating some of my favorite kinds of cookies from TJs, or the gummies I crave so often. I felt my tongue actually start to feel those things, yern for them...stupid mouth it's only been 5 days. Then I considered my stage of life--this season I'm living in. Mom of two young boys, working, financially in a pretty desolate place, emotionally spent, friend relationships running on fumes, looking for a new job, no one has so much as called me back, right now life is so challenging. So of course I have my vice. Of course I reach for a box of something to numb out. Of course I need to feel pleasure in a pretty low time. And if I'm being honest, I'm a little scared to think that I need to give that up. Spoken like a true addict. Because I need something, I really do. And sugar hasn't hurt me yet. I know that logically it must have already ruined my body chemistry (I'm convinced of this from the past two years), but when you don't have a tumor specifically from your fructose intake, it's pretty easy to think, "I'm still okay." And what toxic thinking. The thinking of a true addict.

So right now I'm in bargaining. I've got a long ways to go, but I hope at the end of these 21 days I'll have a serious revelation about what specifics need to change. I want to be healthy. I want to be a good example for my kids and not hide in the other room to eat something I don't want them eating because it's garbage. I want to respect my body and treat it as worthy of being honored, not just dumped on with crap. So hopefully my brain chemistry changes at the end of these 21 days like they say. Hopefully my hormone levels start to balance out. And hopefully other circumstances change so I won't feel the need to turn to my favorite treats for celebrating, or numbing out. I have incredible respect and appreciation for those with an addiction of any kind. It's lonely because no one understands, and its difficult to live with the many physical, spiritual, emotional and social aspects of an addiction. Gonna try to keep strong. Let's go day 6!!!!

The good 'ol RNC

It's funny the emotional stages I've gone through with my FB feed. Intense anger, utter grief and sadness, and now I feel like everything is one big joke. It's probably not the best way to approach things, but I'm not sure my human mind can receive all the latest info and process in a worthwhile way. There's too much, and it (feels) really extreme. I'm pretty sure the fact that Trump is in the running to become the president of the United States wins the cake on this "surreal" time...like, have you ever really thought about what that means????? But wait, there's more! For only $9.99 you have, intense hatred of your fellow human being, violence galore, and pastors that claim Trump is a God-send. I don't claim to know all that God is, and you should seriously wonder if someone proposes that they do, but I have enough respect for the Creator of life to think that I don't want to be within miles of those who claim such preposterous things, for fear I may get swallowed up by the earthquake or struck by the lightning bolt too out of sheer proximity. So, it all feels like a joke. I swear I'm losing dendrites with every stupid meme I see that talks about the presidential candidates. And lest I think that these people are joking...ah, I'm reminded of the circus that is going on in Cleveland right now. So my friends, put your normal television viewing aside momentarily, grab a glass of wine, and let's laugh together at the comedy sketch...err...Republican National Convention that is in our midst. :)