Spoken like a true addict

If you haven't heard already, I'm doing a 21 day sugar fast, and it blows. I knew I loved sugar, but I was curious how it was affecting my body. I found this test that said basically if you eliminate these things from your diet for 21 days and respond this way, you have an addiction. If you respond this other way you have sugar malabsorbtion, and if nothing happens then you're good. Well, I've gone through withdrawl, including physical symptoms like shaking hands, so I think it's safe to say I have a sugar addiction. I wish I could say this was a joke, because it sounds so stupid to say that my addiction is to sugar. Anyhow, it has only been 5 days so far, and this experience has been eye-opening for sure. I've had two huge realizations over these 5 days.

First, sugar is in e-vry-thing. EVERYTHING! Do you know how difficult it is to find something at any grocery store with no sugar in it? Finding a needle in a haystack I'm certain is much easier. And this specific fast is not just sugar, its absolutely any form of sugar, including fruit, including carbs of any kind, corn, rice, beans, juice. Yeah, it's rough. Having to make an intentional effort to find something without sugar is work. It's depressing, it's upsetting, and it's eye-opening. More on that later.

Second, I realize how much I rely on sugar as my coping mechanism. This is huge. I was telling Patrick tonight how I don't know how to go on after these 21 days and change things because it feels so impossible. Sugar is weaved into our culture. When you have a birthday, do you eat steamed broccoli and grilled chicken?! NO!!! You have a birthday cake and ice cream. When you get married, you feed each other cake. Holidays are all around candy and sweets. And still at the beginning of the fast (hungry, tired and depressed) I feel hopeless that I will ever be able to get rid of sugar despite my greatest efforts. What's more is...I'm not sure that I want to. Patrick chuckled and said, "That's like saying you don't know how to have fun without alcohol." "I could give up alcohol in a heartbeat." "Of course, because that's not your addiction." Alright, point made always-right-when-I-hate-it-most husband. I said, "What if I like my sugar addiction? What if I'm not ready to give it up?" It's okay if you laugh a little to yourself, I mean those questions sound downright ridiculous because we're talking about sugar. Not talking about cocaine or heroin, no meth, I'm not an alcoholic, it's sugar for goodness sakes. So I'm clearly not ready to part yet. And then I got to thinking, why am I so reliant on this drug?

I considered long and hard the feeling of eating some of my favorite kinds of cookies from TJs, or the gummies I crave so often. I felt my tongue actually start to feel those things, yern for them...stupid mouth it's only been 5 days. Then I considered my stage of life--this season I'm living in. Mom of two young boys, working, financially in a pretty desolate place, emotionally spent, friend relationships running on fumes, looking for a new job, no one has so much as called me back, right now life is so challenging. So of course I have my vice. Of course I reach for a box of something to numb out. Of course I need to feel pleasure in a pretty low time. And if I'm being honest, I'm a little scared to think that I need to give that up. Spoken like a true addict. Because I need something, I really do. And sugar hasn't hurt me yet. I know that logically it must have already ruined my body chemistry (I'm convinced of this from the past two years), but when you don't have a tumor specifically from your fructose intake, it's pretty easy to think, "I'm still okay." And what toxic thinking. The thinking of a true addict.

So right now I'm in bargaining. I've got a long ways to go, but I hope at the end of these 21 days I'll have a serious revelation about what specifics need to change. I want to be healthy. I want to be a good example for my kids and not hide in the other room to eat something I don't want them eating because it's garbage. I want to respect my body and treat it as worthy of being honored, not just dumped on with crap. So hopefully my brain chemistry changes at the end of these 21 days like they say. Hopefully my hormone levels start to balance out. And hopefully other circumstances change so I won't feel the need to turn to my favorite treats for celebrating, or numbing out. I have incredible respect and appreciation for those with an addiction of any kind. It's lonely because no one understands, and its difficult to live with the many physical, spiritual, emotional and social aspects of an addiction. Gonna try to keep strong. Let's go day 6!!!!