You want me to do what?

1 Kings 17:7-16 says, “⁷And after a while the brook dried up, because there was no rain in the land. ⁸Then the word of the LORD came to him, ⁹"Arise, go to Zarephath, which belongs to Sidon, and dwell there. Behold, I have commanded a widow there to feed you." ¹⁰So he arose and went to Zarephath. And when he came to the gate of the city, behold, a widow was there gathering sticks. And he called to her and said, "Bring me a little water in a vessel, that I may drink." ¹¹And as she was going to bring it, he called to her and said, "Bring me a morsel of bread in your hand." ¹²And she said, "As the LORD your God lives, I have nothing baked, only a handful of flour in a jar and a little oil in a jug. And now I am gathering a couple of sticks that I may go in and prepare it for myself and my son, that we may eat it and die." ¹³And Elijah said to her, "Do not fear; go and do as you have said. But first make me a little cake of it and bring it to me, and afterward make something for yourself and your son. ¹⁴For thus says the LORD, the God of Israel, 'The jar of flour shall not be spent, and the jug of oil shall not be empty, until the day that the LORD sends rain upon the earth.'" ¹⁵And she went and did as Elijah said. And she and he and her household ate for many days. ¹⁶The jar of flour was not spent, neither did the jug of oil become empty, according to the word of the LORD that he spoke by Elijah.

This morning I felt kind of like the widow. I think, “Lord, I'm not really sure why you ask me to make you bread, I haven't even had time to get groceries! The dishes are piling up, the pool is still not fixed, I tried to get the laundry started but it is a monster all of its own. I have an internship, teach 3 classes, teach 2 voice students, sell Scentsy, have a lot of church obligations, I'm a wife who doesn't have much time for her husband, a daughter who never calls her family (again, not much time), a friend who still hasn't returned a phone call from last week, and I'm going to grad school full time. And you want me to make something from nothing?"

I'm almost certain this widow's attitude was much better than mine. After I read this passage I think, "She is just confused as to how she's going to feed Elijah-she doesn't even have enough for her and her son." It's a simple dilemma-I haven't made any bread yet (it takes a while by the way) and I have very little flour and oil. My attitude on the other hand is more like, "You want me to do what?!" And yet, Elijah's response to this widow speaks volumes to me, "Go and make bread-first for me and then for you and your son. Oh and by the way, God will never let your flour or oil run dry." Wow. So not only is God reminding me that he must come first, I also have to trust him for the things I need. And how easy is it to just say, "How? How God, are you going to make this happen? I don't see how." And cue worship song...

Our God is greater, Our God is stronger, God you are higher than any other...

Yes, my God is greater and stronger, and higher than anyone, anything I could fathom. Today Lord I will trust in you. Today I will put you first. Today I will see how you provide for me, regardless of how defeated or beat down I feel. Today I'm relying on your truth.

A Good Reminder

I've been reminded, and brought back into focus, the reason I am where I am today. Lord, let me never forget what you've called me to.

Tonight the world makes sense

I don't know why my serotonin levels are so high tonight (just my guess :) but things are making a lot of sense today. I'm not naive to think you care about my daily life-let's be honest you have your own life to think about, but when I look back on this blog I'll be happy to see that God was at work today. And that is something to write about.

I have a test in my research class on Thursday, and although I've chosen sleep over studying several nights in a row, today I looked in depth at the material and I think it makes sense to me. Thursday may tell a different tale, but today it makes sense!

I have a paper due on Thursday in a different class that I've also put off because other things have taken priority. I looked at it for the first time today, and began my outline. I'm pretty sure I can finish it tomorrow and have a high quality product. Now HOW does that make sense?

I usually try to "turn off" school, teaching, internship, etc. etc. by 5:30 when Patrick comes home otherwise I feel bad for not spending time with him. And let's be honest, no one wants to work 20 hours a day and sleep 4. Today he had errands to do until I was done with class at 7pm-which means I didn't feel like I was missing out. That makes sense.

I was able to go to the gym today, open up my Bible, study, do homework, have two really good class discussions, figure out tomorrow's schedule, make eggplant parmesan (one of my favorites), plan a friend's baby shower, start my paper, and write this blog. Wow. So grateful for things that have gone well today.

Not enough hours in the day

Teaching (both in the classroom and voice lessons), grad school, homework, internship, worship leadership at church, Scentsy, dogs, husband, working out, friends, me time, God. How do you fit it all in?

Well, I must admit, I'm really struggling with this one (this is the recurring theme in my life). Although those responsibilities are listed in no particular order, the list itself seems very reflective of how I feel: a pile of to-do's. So how do you fit everything in?

Keri, my discipleship/mentor/really cool lady from church suggested actually listing out all my obligations and the hours that they take in any given week. First I penciled that assignment in my calendar, and then two weeks later I actually got around to doing it.

Patrick and I sat down and planned out what our lives could look like for the next two years. (Disclaimer: FULLY knowing that God's plan trumps anything we write down on paper). But I mean, if you sit down and write out all the things you've committed to, then take a step back to look at it-mamasita it's overwhelming. But what if I changed my mindset and took everything in stride, realizing that few things belong at the top of that pile?

Balance is a tricky thing, especially when you've crammed in as much as I have into one year. And in order to make it through my master's successfully I keep telling myself, "Anyone can do anything for just a year." So I try to keep my emotions and feelings at bay and truck on through. It's the only thing that has kept me going so far.

But when the year of grad work, and teaching, and internship is over, what will change? Less responsibilities, probably. But only if I don't fill up that time again with other stuff. And that will take a conscious effort. How funny that I'm looking forward to my 9-5 job that I will come across after I'm done with school. Most people dread it :o)

My biggest concern is where God fits in all of this. And even that sentence repulses me, "Where GOD FITS in." But the fact is, I choose to fit Him in-and that takes a conscious and intentional effort. The rest? Well, hopefully it falls into place :o)

And so the journey continues.

No ipad today.

Today was a good day, an interesting day. I say interesting because we have had the pleasure of being around many people today, and we all know people can be...interesting.

It started out with a wonderful breakfast with friends. They invited us over for a good home-cooked meal. Delish! But it went downhill from there.

Then we decided to go to the Apple store to check out a computing device for Patrick. It's funny, in our house we could live off of one car. But we are most definitely a TWO computer family-especially now that I hog this one for my grad work. Poor Patrick hasn't touched the computer in I don't know how long. So we decided to check out ipads and possibly another macbook. The closest Apple store to us is in the Biltmore, which I must admit may have been a mistake in itself. Patrick had his comfy Saturday morning clothes on and I basically looked like I rolled out of my college dorm-room bed with everything but the dreads. No matter, we walked into the Apple store with all the other folks that had just shopped at lululemon, Saks and Coach. Well, I can tell you that our money is just as good as theirs (ours is cash!) but we weren't helped for 20 minutes. Maybe it was the attire, but that really shouldn't matter. Finally Patrick was clearly (by the looks of his face) frustrated with not getting any help and a young guy came over and said, "How's it going team?" Finally! Someone to help. It's sad that we were the last to be helped, and I'm almost certain it's because of the way we looked. Haven't purchased an ipad yet.


Then we went to Costco to see if we could get a discount on mac store gift certificates-to purchase the ipad. And now my friends, we come to mistake number two of the day: going to Costco on a Saturday afternoon. People were crazy. They were like hungry birds around the sample booths and just plain not paying attention. I sent Patrick in to get a sample for me while I stayed with the cart. He started to weave his way around the other carts when one just started coming at him and at full speed! He backed up, backed up, backed up some more, and finally the guy looked up and said, "It's a zoo in here!" Patrick looked at him as if to say, "Buddy, YOU are the zoo!" He had to move probably 10 feet out of the way before the guy even looked up. Craziness. People are crazy I tell ya!

So we get home, and it was our goal today to purchase an ipad. Well, Patrick is taking a nap on the couch (I think Costco wore him out) and I'm drinking my Skinnygirl margarita. Sorry ipad, maybe tomorrow.

Date Night: The free, the frenzy, the fun

Tonight we decided to go on a date night. The conversation was basically this:

Me: "Patrick, let's go get free slurpees from 7-eleven."
Patrick: "When?"
Me: "Now."
Patrick: "Okay."

Yeah, it started as me dragging him to another one of my "free things" expedition. I like free stuff, you can't blame me. So Patrick looked up the nearest 7-eleven and we got free slurpees. The creativity snowballed from there. We decided to go to seven 7-elevens and document our trip.

We made it all the way to ....

7!

(No more slurpees for a good long time).

Stop, Look, and Listen

Today has been a nice change of pace, brought on from a fresh perspective.

This morning I woke up and right away begin writing my mental to-do list. Go to the gym, clean the house, water the grass in the front yard, watch the movie that's due, return it on time, go to the bank, get a head start on homework, hit the ground running with my research paper, make lunch for Patrick, figure out dinner-wait! one thing is already done, figure out what's wrong with the vacuum and get it working again, add in grocery expenses to this week's budget, and I should probably get some God time in since I didn't yesterday...

Well, I went to the gym and had a great time of release. During the week I usually go with a textbook so I can do cardio and required reading at the same time. Today, no textbook. Just my ipod and the elliptical. Ahh.

I came home and watered the grass since I was already sweaty. My neighbor from across the street came over to introduce herself. Ahh, I love this place.

I mentally checked off my list. Gym, grass, done. Took a quick shower, then sat down to Dr. Oz with my new favorite lunch: triscuits, lunch meat, lunch cheese and fruit, all separated on a different part of the plate. A guest on Dr. Oz said gouda and other hard cheeses decrease your risk of cancer-SWEET! I was eating smoked gouda. Now what should I cross off my list?

I don't know if it was guilt or a swift kick in the pants from the Holy Spirit, but I decided it was God time.

After opening my Bible I always come across the question, "Alright God, what do you want me to hear today?" which is actually the nice way of saying, "I don't know where to start." I searched online for a devotional to give me a direction and came across one that spoke on how the Father sees you as his child. I looked for the reference...YES! I love Song of Solomon! I ditched the devotional altogether and just started reading. I was struck by one of the most amazing verses in all of the Bible:

"Behold, you are beautiful, my love, behold, you are beautiful!" ~Song of Sol. 4:1 (ESV)

I just stared at that verse. Then I read it over and over in my mind, and could almost hear the Lord himself saying those very words to me, "You are beautiful." For a moment my mental checklist was gone. School was the furthest thing from my mind, and even the snoring dogs under my feet were not a part of my awareness. It was me and God, and he was telling me I'm beautiful. Wow. Desiring more, I read chapter 3.

"On my bed by night I sought him whom my soul loves; I sought him, but found him not. I will rise now and go about the city, in the streets and in the squares; I will seek him whom my soul loves. I sought him, but found him not...'Have you seen him whom my soul loves?' Scarcely had I passed them when I found him whom my soul loves..."

Although the context is different than the message I was hearing, I understood it loud and clear. How many times have I run after things in mad pursuit, only to find temporary happiness at best? How many times do I put God at the end of my day, instead of the beginning? How much do I frantically look for God, "Lord! Where are you?!" and never open up his love letter to me-the Bible? Too many times.

Instead of feeling bad though, I choose to see the positive. My Creator is pursuing my heart. He has not made any mistakes, and his creation, me, is beautiful in his sight. So while I frantically try to get things done and stress out, God is saying, "Come be with me. I desire you."

Thank you Lord for never giving up on me. Please forgive me for trying to do things of my own power, and for denying my heart it's deepest desire-You. Thank you for loving me, and for seeing me as beautiful.

Amen.