Dear Diary

Dear Diary,

Today was such a difficult day at work. So difficult that I was aware of my body going into depression again just to self-preserve. It almost doesn't help to know what's happening to you (logic), if you can do nothing about it. It was beyond my control. But somehow, at bathtime things started to switch over to being okay again. I started being silly again, and used goofy voices when we read books. I gave lots of tickles and hugs and almost made one bubbies pee his pants...oops :) I spent quality time with each of my sweethearts before bed. And then bed. The littlest little has made a habit of going to bed by 9:30pm, despite my greatest efforts. Tonight he was out before 8:30pm. And while normally I would be relieved and get out of the room to finish my to do list, tonight was different. Tonight I savored the moment. His whispy hair blowing on my chest, and chubby little fingers gripping my arm. His ear to my heart. Instantly, I was taken back to the time we spent early on, chest to cheek. Sometimes it was sweaty, sometimes sticky or milky, but always so sweet. Like a memory ball that Joy brings back into my recollection periodically. This is how I want to remember you always, my sweet boy. Then I remembered the other little, nursing him for hours upon hours upon hours, and finally if I could ever so carefully slip his mouth off...ahh...relief but I wasn't actually done. My reward for all that nursing was allowing time to stand still as you slept on me. I dare not move because Lord knows we both needed that nap. But my rest was enough just to watch the awe and wonderful of this precious being develop before my eyes. And now the first child that made me a mother will be going to Kindergarten in the Fall. How quickly the time passes.

I begged and pleaded, and let's be honest, bargained, with God today to bring me the opportunity I need to feel some sanity again. To feel even just a little peace. I want to enjoy what I do and not be hindered by negativity that is shredding the very core of my being, one small piece at a time. I just want to savor these moments and not be burdened by the drama, the notes, the deadlines, the crises, the stress that is probably oozing out of my pores. I have no doubt the future holds my heart's desires. But in this moment, even though I didn't ask for it, I was given the gift of presence. It was not something I meant to do, but rather a reminder that I already have my answer to peace--living under the same roof. Ironic that these peace bringers also cause the most stress and mess too, huh??! ;) What a gift, my two little treasures.

And so...tomorrow will bring what it will. But for tonight, I will soak in the serenity of this moment, and the hope that there will be many more like this when I open myself up to the opportunity.