My Sweet Emerson

Dear Emerson,

I've been so reflective the past few weeks or so as your first birthday draws closer and closer. I can hardly believe we made it through a year. I remember the day you were born like it was just last week, and how you've grown in such a short (or long??) amount of time! What continues to amaze me is how different you are from your brother. I mean, duh. You're your own person. But you have to understand, I've only ever known Denzel as my child. So to have you develop into your own individual and be uniquely you is such a treat to see.

 One of my favorite things about you is your passion. When you are happy, you are obviously happy. You laugh, and it instantly makes my day better, your smile is precious, and those eyes--they are captivating in a personal way. On the other hand, when you're upset, you are obviously upset. You scream like a banchie, kid. I mean, how on earth did you learn to do that? Is that a second-child-I-need-a-voice-too kind of thing? Do you notice that when you're upset I say, "I hear you baby"? I want you to know that you aren't just an accessory, or a baby human that I'm required by law to supervise at all times. You do have a voice, and I recognize that you have needs, wants, desires. I wouldn't be opposed to keeping the banchie scream at home though. I mean, the other Target guests would probably agree with me on that one. :)

My son, you are one of the strongest children I know. I know you're a little big for your age, but the way you manipulate your muscles is well beyond your age and even your size. You are confident physically, and you are sure of your steps. I admire that about you, and pray that you use that boldness to empower those with less strength than yourself. Use your power and strength for good, sweetheart.

The way you love is the most precious thing ever. I'm absolutely giddy over the way you wrap your arms around my neck and give loves. And those eyebrows...everyone comments on how cute they are, but I'm so about your old man eyebrows. I love your chubby feet that don't fit in any shoes, and your baby body that is quickly transforming to look like a little boy's. I love the way you look up to your brother and want to do everything just like him. He's a good kid, I'm glad you look up to him and love him. But I also want you to be you. God has designed you for a specific purpose, and baby you are going to be a world-changer. Your dad and I don't expect you be a CEO or doctor. I could care less what your title is. But I do care that you love people and love God. I already see that in you, my love. When those you care about are down or are crying, your face falls and your empathy is visible. And when someone you love walks in the room, you get so excited then hurry to greet them. You are a joy to know, sweet Emerson.

I've had a few moments of mommy guilt, as they call it, and it's usually remorse that I can't give you exactly what Denzel had as a baby. I can't give you undivided attention, because my arms hold two children now. I can't spend hours reading you books or teaching you new things, because I have work, and another child to balance as well. The guilt is really silly, and is especially silly for you, because I see that the only thing you need is my best. You are thriving right now on the best that I can do. Part of me loves that, and part of me is saddened at the idea that you don't need me quite as much anymore. I mean, the goal is for you to be a fully functioning,  well-adjusted, independent and critically-thinking man. But my soul cries out to hold you one more time as the fresh newborn who hasn't yet opened his eyes. You came from me, and there will always be that bond between you and I, my love. I knew you before you took your first breath. Not as intimately as the Lord, but in the beginning it was me and you kid. And I will be here until the end too. There is nothing you can do that will make me not love you. Nothing. Jesus loves you even more than that, sweetheart. Give him your heart, love him with your whole being, and seek the Lord before anything else.

So as we come up to this milestone of one year of your life outside the womb, my womb, understand that I may be a little emotional. I maybe have to pause and soak in the moment. Because you my boy, are my joy, my delight, and my sweet baby. Remember that when you're 16 years old and 6' 5".

I love you, Emerson.

~Mom