Tonight's concert was a remarkable event for me. Bare with me as I reveal some of my innermost feelings to you. I've been accused of many things, but being short and sweet--no, definitely not that. So, go on if you so choose. You have been warned :)
There was something so incredible about the music I heard tonight. Something about seeing my previous choral director, seeing her beautiful gesture ::those hands and arms are art themselves!!:: hearing what can only be described as juicy fruit, and nutritious meat that entered my ears, processed happy juice in my brain, and penetrated my soul. What is it about music that speaks to the inner most parts of you? It definitely does me. But the crazy thing is, it's taken me 30 years to see the beauty of the art, the beauty of humanity, and joy that results in experiencing the art form you understand so well, and yet are surprised by, moved by, and brought to tears by again and again. When I was listening in the audience I experienced so many emotions I could not begin to process them all. I was taken back to my undergrad experience, the memories I made as a wee babe, a cute little kid that thought she knew everything. Nay nay, Andrea. If I could go back and talk to 22 year old me, wow, I would have so much to say.
I think I would start with this...this is your journey, and soak it up. What I never imagined back then was that my career would change. I never imagined that there was life outside of music. Because in undergrad, I ate, slept and breathed choral music. I sang in multiple choirs and groups, I taught voice lessons, I took voice lessons, I listened to music for enjoyment and for every single one of my classes. I analyzed the black dots to death. I practiced piano for HOURS a day. Per day, every day. I wore that choir dress like 75% of the school year. My life revolved around choir tour, conferences and networking with other choral directors. So if you told me back then that I might not be a choir teacher for life I would have laughed in your face. I gave my life to music for years.
Let's fast forward a teeny bit to after graduation. I student taught with my mentor teacher that was my student teacher when I was in high school--Germán. That's when the shaping of my adult self really started to begin. I became a choir teacher because teaching was my calling and music was my medium. I was never a musician first, always a teacher first. I was a good musician, but my priority was the children in front of me. Each individual. Each life. My first year of teaching was really really hard. Not because of the music. Shooot, that was the easy part. It was because I took over Germán's program and I was a wee babe. I don't think I made poor decisions or anything, I think the stress of the work and the expectation that I put on myself (and the community put on me as well) sunk in fast. I was big time depressed and anxious. I remember a handful of times when I could not physically get out of bed because I was so anxious about the day and going to work. Stress was seeping in my pores. I was an angry person too. I remember Patrick would always hear about my day at work and say, "Is that how you taught today or are you just venting?" I was always baffled that he would ask! I would never talk like that in class, I just needed to vent...but the venting was constant. It was too much. But the expectation was still there, and my life was music. How could I make a life in something...anything else? I knew nothing else. I only knew music.
Well, after two years of teaching in a public school, my journey led me to social work. I struggled with facing the music community because I felt like they wouldn't understand. Quite honestly, many of the people I knew didn't get it. I don't know that I got it totally. But God was calling me to move down the road, to transition to the place that he would begin to refine me in the fire, and fire is...well...hot. You know what though? Germán got it. He was all music too, like I was, but our friendship didn't change just because my life led me to another career. The things he taught me were universal lessons that any person in life could benefit from. And tonight. Tonight I realized that that is what music did for me. I no longer view my music life as my "previous career" and me cutting ties and doing something else. It's no longer "life A" and "life B." I had an epiphany tonight, and realized that music made me who I am. So these are the things I learned about life from music:
1. Community is most important. Community is so fundamental to an individual's well-being, and finding people that are like-minded, people who support you, compliment you, care for you...all these things are necessary in the human race. We do not exist in a vacuum. We were designed for community. Choral music is very much that: community. If you've been in music for any length of time, I'm willing to bet you have fond memories of the people that you stood next to, or those you spent hours with. Music has the potential to build incredible, positive, community. I think the Bob Cole Conservatory Chamber Choir exuded this in many ways tonight. It was evident that they were a family.
2. Individuality is also important. No one does things exactly the same as the next guy or gal. That is the beauty of the human race. Well, in music being unified has a time and place just like individuality has it's place. The unique characteristics that we bring to the table make the buffet all the more sweet. Be you. That is the best person to be.
3. Experiencing the moment is so precious and should be practiced more. Do you ever have a truly moving moment? I've had many that are a result from music, but I think this applies to life also. Being present in relationships is so important--with your kids, your spouse, your grieving friend. Even taking a moment to yourself and soaking in peace is a good discipline to practice. I experienced this on many levels tonight. Patrick and I had a wonderful night together, and we shared conversation and experiences in ways we had not in a long time. It felt intimate--from the concert experience alone. I experienced many nostalgic moments too, as I heard my alma mater sing. Truly, a flood of memories bombarded my brain. But maybe the moment that I will always remember from tonight was "And So I Go On." This song was commissioned in honor of Germán, and tonight NAU and CSULB sang it together. The two worlds joined as one, and in a weird sense I felt that that happened for me a little too tonight. You see, we shared many of the same decisions or paths--districts we taught in, student teaching experience, NAU for undergrad, appreciation of jazz, teaching philosophy, coffee!, and our friendship bloomed from those shared experiences. And this lesson is important because...
4. You must experience the beauty around you since you aren't guaranteed it will be there again. Germán was a remarkable person, and I miss him so deeply my body hurts sometimes at the thought that I will never see my precious friend on this earth again. It's hard for me to even reread that sentence as I write it. But I experienced beauty tonight in a crazy way. There was a part of the song that NAU and CSULB sang together--the Germán commissioned work--where I swear to you, Germán was singing. The tenor part sounded exactly like his voice. I'm not making this up. I said nothing about it, and when we left the concert hall Patrick said, "The tenor part in that song sounded like Germán was singing it--like he was in the choir!" That is the beauty I needed tonight. The sweet voice of my beautiful friend, in my current place in life, with my past and my present looking to me to continue to forge the road ahead. Guys, this life, this right here and now, is your chance. This is your chance to experience, to soak in, to do, to be, to dream. This is the time. Don't let it fly by you. There is beauty for everyone to enjoy, to experience. It may not be music for you, but find the beauty you need to experience or make or participate in. Go now and experience beauty.
I'll remember this night for a long time. And I'm happy to say that my memories of tonight will be that I realized my journey was uniquely designed for me. My musical experience was the building blocks that began to shape the person that I am today. And I'm happy to say that withouy guilt or shame, no feelings of failure or regret. I am whole, I am unique and I was made a better person because of the life lessons I learned in music.
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Love you, G. Thanks for the treat tonight.
Beautifully said! I am blessed because of what you shared with me and the students in your musical journey!
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