I was not alone

These past two years have been a very trying time for me. No, it's not Patrick-it's my work. I have been challenged in ways I never dreamed of. It's hard to imagine that your dream turns out to be the thing that makes you depressed, anxious, sick, over-ridden with frustration and anger. Since I was in junior high-yes-junior high I knew this is what I wanted to do. But maybe that's the thing...this is what I wanted, and what about God's will for my life?

I've really been wrestling over that thought, "God what do you want for me?" It started out as a mere question and has now become a crying plea. I've agonized, searched (in probably all the wrong places) and all but given up, except that I have grown so much along the way. I've been promised a role reversal and change in destiny (late first semester) and I've even heard a clear sign of "wait." All the while I continue to remind myself that my God is indeed the creator and is in control of this very small situation.

I went to a prayer conference at my church and James McDonald was the keynote speaker for the weekend. Let me rephrase: God was the keynote speaker and James McDonald was the merely the voice. I learned countless things but one thing that I keep hearing like a voice in my head is, "Cry out to the LORD! No, not in a whisper. Not in a way that proves you can pray intelligently in front of your friends. Cry out to the LORD!" As James said it so well, "Lord forgive us for our tiny little whispery prayers where we're distracted with a million things and can't stop long enough to hear what you have to say." In that very moment I realized I never cried out to God. Not until tonight.

Tonight the weight of the world was on me and I couldn't stand up on my own two feet. I sat on my couch and cried out to my God. I cried out loud to the LORD. Never have I felt so broken, so humble, so close to my Savior. Never. There's something about being at the very bottom that makes you realize you can't start crawling out with your own two feet. Beautiful Jesus was right there in my hurt, in my pain, in my desperation, in my utter brokenness to reach his hand in and say, "Daughter, I am right here, and I love you." I am dearly loved by Jesus, and he cares enough about me to walk beside me through it all.

Don't try to do things on your own. Cry out to the LORD. He will meet you, and he'll pick you up off the floor, and into his precious loving arms. Try it, you won't regret it.