Remarkable

I've been in a really neat place recently. Not like Hawaii or anything. I mean, psychologically I've been in a very positive place. I've been incredibly grateful for most everything in my life recently. Almost like my eyes have been opened to how blessed I really am. And I hate the word blessed because it's so overused, but let's be honest, the word is absolutely appropriate when I talk about my husband.

I actually just googled blessed and the definition states "made holy." So appropriate to describe Patrick right now, made holy. There's something you should know about my husband--he is one of the most remarkable human beings I've had the honor of knowing. Seriously. He innately desires to grow as a person and in his own character...so he does. He pursues personal growth because he wants to. He enjoys keeping up with current events, and comes alive with making injustice right in the world. He loves our boys unlike any dad I've ever seen. I mean, he doesn't just parent how he was parented. That's what everyone does. Not him. Patrick does intense research on the best possible approach, and incorporates it almost daily. He has more patience that ANY single person I've ever known, hands down. Seriously, when I just can't be patient with kids anymore, he steps in, and it's like they get a clean slate and fresh perspective after mom is burned out. Recently, he's had a good amount of stress at work, and started bringing it home with him. We talked about it...okay...I told him about it...and rather than becoming defensive or resent me, he made a huge effort to change...immediately. This is no joke. Do you know how hard it is to just change? Boom. Just like that. We've been barely keeping our relationship afloat in these past...6 months, just with all the stress of work, having a new baby, managing two kids (which I swear, I could write a book about now!)--it's really been a lot for us both. And of course we spend very little time together, alone, without children. But we talked about how much we desire for that to change. And you know what? He's really the one that has changed, not me. He cares that much. For me, for our relationship, to change immediately. The last thing I'm thinking about is a little silly, but let's be honest, attractiveness is important. Patrick has been wearing his glasses again recently, and I think he's sexy. I don't know if I like men in glasses, or if they just compliment his face that much, all I know is he is particularly attractive these days, and I like it. So yeah, my husband needs a shout out. Because everyone needs to be affirmed in the strengths they posses. It just happens that I married a man with mostly strengths :)

I love you, Patrick, and thank you. Thank you for being remarkable and uniquely you.

As a mom...

As a mom

I love every dirty fingernail,
deformed toenail,
and pointy ears that prove you both belong to me

As a mom

I worry about you constantly
dream about what you'll be like daily
and beg time to slow down with each birthday

As a mom
I feel guilt when you eat fast food
Smile when you ask if green beans are a treat
And can't help but laugh when you say "I'm very full, can I have a cookie?"

As a mom
I'll happily put you before me
Wish I had more alone time with Daddy
But think about you constantly when you're gone

As a mom
I spend hours upon hours of research on the best education
for you
Ensure you empathize with others
And teach you to care for anything smaller than yourself

As a mom
I want nothing more than you to know God
See you grow up to be incredible men
And get anxious about thinking someday we won't live under the same roof

As a mom
I wonder what your story will be
Ponder who you're becoming

and am so encouraged with your character already

As a mom
I desire nothing more than you looking at me as you nurse
Feel at peace when I hold you, sleeping
Wish I could put the feeling in a jar to keep for later

As a mom
I want to protect you from the world
But know that's not how it works
and let you experience life

As a mom
I let you take risks
Even when everything in me shouts, "NO!"
Because that's how you grow

As a mom
I get frustrated when you don't listen
Sometimes I want to scream, or
Wish I could cry with you

As a mom
I will always love you
No matter the circumstance
Until the day I die

You both made me a mom. It's part of my identity now, and what an incredible blessing and honor it is to be your parent. I love you with all that's in me. That is where you started out, after all :)

~Mom

My life, then and now

Then:

1. Clean house

2. Quality activities for children that don't involve TV

3. Enjoy a nice meal at a hip new restaurant

4. Invite friends over for a lovely bottle of wine and specialty cheeses

5. On the weekends: in bed whenever I want, wake up whenever I want

6. Go see a musical, play, concert, show, really anything I want with Patrick, and whenever I want.

7. Stare lovingly into Patrick's eyes.

8. "Do" my hair (blow dry, curl w/curling iron, scrunch with product, half up, etc.)

9. Lay out to tan, talk with friends, enjoy the beach

10. No time to think about priorities in life

Now:

1. Make sure there's not so much dog hair on the floor that the baby will inhale and get lungs full of yellow lab fur. But some is okay.

2. Any activity that doesn't result in a trip to the ER is a good activity.

3. Make sure my 3 year old eats a full meal, there's enough room to nurse my 3 month old...wait, everyone's done and I haven't eaten? Eh, take my food to go.

4. "Daddy, can I smell your wine?" (Do we drink that much that my preschooler knows you smell wine before you drink it??! Not sure if I should be appalled, or proud.)

5. Put one kid to sleep at 7:30pm, then get up with him at 7:32pm because he has to go potty, then at 7:41pm he needs a drink of water, start dozing off at 8:30pm, put the other one down at 9pm when you realize you are both asleep now, go to the bathroom, start brushing your teeth, sing to the first one because he woke up and was afraid of the dark, climb into bed, nurse the second one because he faked you out and wasn't really ready to go down for the night, bring him into bed while he plays and looks at the fan and you fall asleep, put him back in bed at midnight, then you go back to bed...wake up at 6am to feed him again, put him back to bed, then you go back to bed...barely open your eyes and scream because your 3 year old is inches from your face and you were dead asleep...start the day with a heart attack at 7am.

6. Go see a Pentatonix concert that was planned weeks ago. Then plan your next date night for next year.

7. What color are his eyes again? "Hey hun, can you grab me another diaper?"

8. "Do" my hair (wash all the baby spit up out of it, brush, leave the house, air dry, forget about it until baby spits up again, or pulls a big chunk of hair out)

9. Sunblock the kids constantly, keep sand out of their mouths, eyes, ears...or not...go home and realize you didn't put sunblock on yourself, and get a nice tank top-shaped burn.

10. Relish every moment.

My life looks incredibly different right now, compared to what it was. But I actually have the time to enjoy what I've been blessed with. Some days its extremely hard, and emotionally taxing, but when I let go of the "perfect" life, I start to enjoy my messy one a whole lot more. And if you wanna know a secret...I think a little mess is good for everyone. Lucky for me, I was given a great big portion! :)

Sleep

Sleep. Probably the one thing that each of my family members is the worst at. Well, maybe I should clarify-we all have really "off" sleeping patterns and habits, and it's made our family dynamic...let's just say, less than stellar :) I just read an article from my USC alumni magazine about the sleep research they're heading up right now, and it became quite clear to me (again), that our approach to sleep needs to change, like, yesterday.

Me
Let's start with me, that's a great place to start. I'm a really light sleeper. It serves me well when taking care of my new little guy, because I can hear when he's wrestling around in bed next to me and wants to eat. I can get him up before his eyes are even opened, nurse him, and put him back to sleep instantly after he's done eating. And lucky for me, he typically sleeps through the night. Thank you Lord Jesus for that gift! Now, when Denzel wakes up at night, which is several times a night recently, my sleep is almost always disturbed. So being a light sleeper there is not so good. I also notice that the crack of light that comes in from my shade hits my eyes directly where I sleep if I'm on my right side. Something as small as a beam of light wakes me. My buzzing phone wakes me. My husband wakes me. The dog wakes me. Ev-ery-thing disturbs my sleep. Plus I'm guilty of screen time before bed-really bad for you.

Patrick
Next, we move on to Patrick. Patrick's sleep is about as bad as I've ever heard from anyone. He was recently diagnosed with two forms of sleep apnea. So not only does he struggle to sleep because of our children, he struggles because his airway is obstructed, or his brain literally does not tell his lungs to take in air. Scary right?! For as long as I've known him, he's been this way. I recall a few times, when we first met, when we would be cuddling on the couch, and I have my head on his chest ::insert your own aww here:: and he would stop breathing. Then all of a sudden, GASP! So he's had this a while. Only recently have we found out that's kind of a big deal. And thank goodness, we're working on taking care of that. As if he didn't already have a sleep disadvantage, his job requires his sleep to be so sporadic, that there's no hope for him ever having a "typical" nights' sleep. Recently he's been working out in the field more which means: early start time (3am and later), crazy end time (5pm, 6pm, overnight, to the next morning), and every Sunday he's gone out on a job that's overnight. It might be better if there was always a start time of 3am, but it's never consistent among jobs. It's always different, and sometimes even changes after the job has already begun, for various reasons. Wait, it gets better. He doesn't just work and go home. It's his family business that he pours his heart into, his time into, and that's a lot of weight that translates to poor sleep. Technology though, is constantly on at night with him. And I just read that screens really ruin your sleep if you're on them before bed.

Denzel
It took me a while to figure out where to start with this kid. His schedule has been off since the birth of his baby brother (and by off I just mean I'm pretty sure this is typical? I sure hope it is.) Denzel has gone through phases anywhere from one day to weeks and months of things that disturb his sleep. Instead of explain them all, I'll just list them...and probably cry or laugh after the list is complete...

-scared of the dark
-scared of monsters
-scared of ANYTHING you can think of (and things you'd never guess like talking-sometimes he asks us to whisper)
-potty training
-toys falling out of his bed wakes him
-he has bad dreams
-he wakes up several times at night
-he's hungry
-I'm pretty sure there were two growth spurts in the past 3 months
-he needs more water
-he hits his head on the wall, his bed, or a book, a hard toy
-he "hurts" himself, there's "blood" and he needs a "bandaid" (all in quotes because he says all that constantly, but is actually obsessed with bandaids-but most often doesn't need one)
-he wants to sleep somewhere other than his bed
-he typically takes several hours to fall asleep (usually in bed at 7:30, and doesn't fall asleep before 10pm most nights)

Holy cow, I'm just going to stop there. Denzel is definitely one of the bigger causes of the rest of us not sleeping. I hate to pin it on him, but he's a handful lately when it comes to sleep. The crazy thing is he wakes up like nothing happened. Oh child.

Emerson
After about 3 weeks old, Emerson was sleeping 6 hour stretches at night without eating, and then he'd wake every 2 hours or so after that. Every parents dream. But it's even better now. Okay...don't hate me if you've just had a kid...now, he has slept on a couple of occasions for 11+ hours at night. If it's pretty quiet and dark, he can fall asleep from 9pm (all the way up to 12am) and not wake up until 9am! One morning I nursed him around 6am and he didn't wake up until 10:45am! And of course he sleeps semi-randomly during the day, as any 3 month old does.

Kiri, the dog
Kiri sleeps pretty well, and she doesn't really cause any grief for the rest of us. Except on the occasion that she barks at something, or is barking in her sleep. She usually wakes someone up then. And it's usually Denzel. She's also a huge distraction for Denzel when he's scared, she sleeps in his room, then he plays with her.

So there you go, put 4 wackos in a house together with a dog that loves squirrels and you have an average of NO SLEEP.

But starting tonight, we implement the new sleeping plan. Here are the new rules, and I'm sure we'll make some more as we keep up with this:

1. All creatures go to bed by 10pm, no matter whether you are 26" tall or 5'9".
2. No screens at said bed time. No screens in bed AT ALL, except for setting alarms. Bed shall be thus forth, sacred space for closing the eyes.
3. Children shall be in bed by 8pm. I'd love to make it earlier but I'm being realistic.
4. Children shall not have any screen time in the afternoon.
5. Once a child is in bed, he stays in bed. The only exception is to go potty.

Last night we sort of tried this, and every rule was broken. Tonight mama is going to be firm on the rules. It's 9:04 and so far, so good...although there have been several requests for water...wish us luck!

Relationships and New Beginnings

A year ago, one of my dearest dearest friends passed away. He was so young, and losing him was devastating for me personally. But after going to his service and seeing all the lives he touched over the course of his lifetime, I became more and more contemplative about life. That event was pivotal in my growth as a person. You see, my life was go go go, rush here, be there, do this and that. But when he died, my world turned completely around. I slowed way down. I took time to feel, to think, to experience. His was the first death that I allowed myself to grieve in the way, and the time, and the space that I needed to grieve. And you know what? It was devastating, and yet so healthy. Healthy in the sense that I cried harder than I ever cried-but that was exactly what I needed. My body was in so much pain after his memorial service. You know how much your head hurts with a bad /headache? My whole body, each limb, each muscle felt like a headache. AND a massive headache of course. I took 5 Advil that night and was incredibly grateful after about 40 minutes when I felt a little relief. But it was okay to feel that, because I think for me it was necessary to the grief process.

I haven't been the same since then.

My priority on relationships has been present at the forefront of my mind. And with the birth of our second (and probably last) child, it's been an ever present thought that people are the only thing in this life that I care about. I don't want stuff, I don't want things, I want relationships. I want a hug from a friend that asks me how I'm doing with postpartum stuff, and doesn't judge when I tell her I today was too much for me. I want to pour into both of my kids, being present with them and valuing their uniqueness and beautiful God-given personalities. I want to care for people-my parents, grandparents, a friend who found out she has cancer. I want people. And I will not let the moment pass me by, only to regret that I never spent time with incredible people. Because the truth is, you think you're invincible, or you're young, and you don't expect to die until you're old. But, what if that's not the plan for your life? What if that's not the plan for your loved ones, your friends, your incredible partner...what if they won't live to the standard of 70 or 80 something? People matter. They matter a lot.

So I take a lot of time to think these days.

I think about how much I want my kids to know I love them--that I would give my life for them in a heartbeat. I think about how to approach the homeless differently, with more compassion and a deeper understanding. I think about how my messy house is more an indicator that we have a good time each day and are blessed with so much, instead of let it be a stressor...okay, that one I continue to work on...but you know what I mean. The truth is, I'm not good at small talk stuff. I think that's because I hate it. I hate the surface. I immediately desire to plunge to the depths of who a person is at their core, because that intrigues me. And there's nothing worse than, "Hey! How are you?" "Good! How are you?" "Good!" I hate it. And yet, I say it all the time. But my heart so deeply wants relationship. And when my heart is satisfied with that, wow does it feel incredible.

So what do I do with that? Well, so far the answer to that question has been to completely change my career to be more flexible with time. I'm making more room for people, because that's what I want so that's what I'm going to pursue. And while I'm only at the beginning of this new season, I can already see how God has been orchestrating the events to this point all along. Don't worry, there's more explanation of that to come. But for now I revel in the awesomeness of this God I serve, and how incredible it is that I can have a relationship with him. Super excited to see how that relationship will begin to transform in the coming months. To people, life's journey, and a God who models perfect relationship in so many ways.

Vay-cay!

My life this past week has been crazy. Actually, I take that back. It should have been crazy, but actually it was really nice. My parents came to CA to visit for the weekend, and it was my dad's first time meeting Emerson. At the last minute I found a friend to drive back to CA with me and my two boys (I love saying that :) so I drove back to AZ with my parents. No down time. Parents here in CA, then we leave together for AZ. I really had one purpose this trip: to make sure my grandparents meet Emerson before he's too big. And let's be honest, he was born too big, so time was not on our side :) Plus, I'm functioning more like a human being right now, so what other time can I just pick up and go to AZ whenever I want? Maternity leave of course! So I did. Spent a few days in AZ. OH! And both boys were AMAZINGLY good the entire way to AZ. There was one little "incident," but it was more like a fond memory :) We basically made one stop for lunch. Both myself and D ate lunch, then we both went to the bathroom. Grandma was holding E. Everyone enjoyed their Panda Express (although after eating healthy on a more consistent basis, I struggled a little with fast food), and we loaded up the car. I decided to feed E before we took off, so we all sat in the running car while I fed E. Burped him, put him back in his car seat. We didn't even leave the parking lot and D said he had to poop. For some reason, I thought it would be better if he used the little potty instead of driving back to Panda Express. Don't ask. So I took out the potty, undressed the lower half of my two year old, and sat him down on a potty in a parking lot...that was extremely humid and pretty dang hot. He was such a good sport. He went poop (which makes things more complicated than just peeing), and then I cleaned everything up, including the toddler. Finally got him back in the car all buckled up, and my mom said, "Umm, I'm pretty sure Emerson just pooped too." I unbuckle him and sure enough, baby poo everywhere. We're still in a parking lot, so I change him in the car. Of course there's no room anywhere so I change my 9 week old on the driver's seat. It's work to do that-just saying. Especially with him, because he's so big and requires more room. Anyway, we made due, and were on our way an hour and a half later. So it was a long stop, but we only stopped once more after that for gas, and both boys slept through the stop. They were A-MAZ-ING I tell you.

So AZ was wicked hot-for me, not for the record temperatures. It was less than 110 degrees the whole time I was there, and believe you me, that is a miracle for June and July. But I was sweltering. The moment I opened my car door, I remembered why we moved to CA. But I went for my grandparents, and they were so grateful I made the trip. I was glad I went too because they aren't getting any younger, and health concerns are getting a little iffy these days. Plus, everyone could use a baby to cheer up their spirits. I was so glad they got to meet him. I also had extra help since my brother, and mom, and dad were there. Plus, I had an opportunity to have a girls night with no kids. Well, as "no kids" as possible. My incredible friend Stefani treated me to a pedicure, then I went back to nurse Emerson. Then we left for Postino and enjoyed a little vino and delish food, just the two of us! It was amazing. Then I went back to nurse him again. I don't think I'd been away from my kids that long since before E was born. It was exactly what the doctor ordered! The very next day, we packed up, I picked up Stefani at her house, and we made the trek back to CA. She left her two children (one was in TX) with her in-laws the entire day, and drove back with me! Stefani, you get the friend of the year award!!!!!! So we drive and drive and make it to Blythe. Then we stop for lunch, do the whole potty charade with both, and we literally did not stop again. My kids are amazing at road trips. Well, either that or God was looking out for my sanity. I expected it to be WAY worse. So we made it home, and Stefani caught the last flight out on standby. What a pal. And we got to spend the day together. How lucky am I?!

This was the past Wednesday that we got back home. Thursday I repacked and got ready for Lake Arrowhead, where we were going to spend the weekend. Thankfully, the drive was much much less than it was to AZ. Although I laugh because we made 2 stops on this less than two-hour drive. Once for gas and to change a poopy diaper, then a second because E HAD to eat and was making it known to all people in the car. But we made it up the mountain and both kids went to bed pretty well. The whole time in Arrowhead we relaxed, took our time with everything, and just enjoyed one another's company. My vacations look very different these days. Now, it's mostly this: wake up, breakfast/getting ready routine, do an activity in the morning, lunch, nap, and sometimes a little something in the evening if nap didn't go too long. There isn't a lot of time to pack in activity the same way we did when little Joneses weren't in the picture. But I'm convinced there's just no other way to vacation when kids are little. It's not worth it to rush around everywhere and have crying and mess and screaming...no thanks. So we spent time together, went for a few walks/hikes, shared a few meals, and went into town. For the fourth we watched the fireworks in the best spot ever, near the lake. D only lasted 5 fireworks before he begged to go home (they were too loud). So Patrick walked him back (and said later he clung hard to him the entire walk home, poor guy). I stayed with Patrick's parents, and saw the incredible show. I love fireworks. There's something about fireworks that just make the world stop, and require you to focus on the simplicity, the beauty, and the wonder that is a firework. Maybe that's silly, but I truly LOVE fireworks. Especially a good show, and Lake Arrowhead does a fabulous firework show! We finished the show, then walked back to the house. It was E's first firework show, but he slept through the whole thing, so whatever :P This morning we packed up and headed back home-again, angelic children the whole way home. Lord, thank you for loving me specifically in that way this past week!

Sleeping in!

Goofy girl time!

Pedis

More silliness

D and grandma 

Hiking in Arrowhead

A couple of short hours after we got back, we went to a friend's house to watch the women's soccer game. WOW! What a game! Then we rushed home and Patrick headed out to his out of town job.

The past week has been glorious, but I'm pretty excited to be sleeping in my own bed tonight. What a precious time it's been with my family. I can't wait for the next little trip we do, because memories like this are near and dear to my heart.

Waaaaaaaah!

Let's talk about crying. Because my 2 year old is doing it right now, and I really want to join him.

I can't handle my child crying for more than like 30 seconds. My body becomes physically ill when my child cries. It's not quite as strong when it's another child, but still my body reacts-a physical reaction. This is not a statement of judgment, it's just a fact-I can't handle crying in a leave-it-alone kind of way.

You know what's really bad? Both of my children crying at the same time, and me being the only one around. Or another adult helping me, but they are unsuccessful in making one child stop crying. It makes me want to scream. On the inside it feels like I might explode. Like I want to scream at the top of my lungs. Not really out of anger, just out of I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO! Is that an emotion?? And if the houses weren't so close together here, I actually might do that. But can you imagine the headline, "Foster care social worker's kids taken by DCFS." Yeah, that would be awesome.

I actually remember a moment a couple weeks back (when I felt a little more frazzled than I do today) when life was a tornado. Both kids crying, I hadn't slept in God knows how long, and I looked at Patrick--clearly at the end of my rope--and said, "This is why kids are in foster care." Now wait, before you start sending me your PPD drugs and numbers to a great therapist (I already have one, lol), hear me out. I have everything I need to be a "successful" parent. I have a job, a partner who is extremely involved as a parent-who also has a job, a house, a yard, a dog, food, clothes, happiness...it's all there. And I still feel like this. Imagine if the stress of having *only* two children was compounded by homelessness. Or unemployment. Or the feeling of being unsafe. What about being a victim of violence in your home? Can you imagine? I can't. I really can't.

It was in that moment after I said that to Patrick that I realized the power and the weight of what I just said. There was a huge shift in my heart in that moment. Instantly empathy poured out of me for all the parents that I've dealt with in the foster care system. I mean, I have to believe they're doing the best they know how. Are they frustrating to deal with? Ab-sol-ute-ly. No one likes being cussed out, or threatened. And it's pretty easy to think, "Well parent, you're upset, but you put yourself in this situation." But for me, I realized quickly that parenting is hard. It's fucking hard. Can I say that? You know it's true. Some put on a better face than others, and some are just dealing with a whole set of circumstances people like me (read: privileged, middle class) know nothing about. What I do know though, is that I have a whole new appreciation for the fellow parent-the drug user, the can't-keep-a-job, the has-thirteen-kids-because-it's-her-identity-now-and-maybe-she'll-be-able-to-keep-the-next-one...I can empathize with the fact that parenting is hard. But it can be done...with support. So maybe we just help one another up out of the depression. Maybe we tell one another, "You can do this" or "I'll watch your screaming kid for 30 minutes while you go grab some lunch by yourself," or "I'll clean your kitchen tomorrow." We need one another. And we certainly need each other in this parenting gig. So let's be less judgy and more empathetic toward the fellow parent. Let's help each other when the little ones are a little too much, and a lot when the teens go bananas. Parents...UNITE!

**I want to thank the friends and family who have specifically helped me as I start over in figuring out parenting with two instead of one. Some key people have been encouraging even just by saying, "I know you said you feel off, but you were acting very normal tonight," or "Tell me what I can do to help," or have made meals, have given hugs, told me to see my therapist again. EVERYTHING has helped me get through this rough patch day by day. All of it. Thank you, a million times thank you. And thank you for understanding that I need community-we need community-to thrive and live healthy lives. So blessed by you all.**

(Didn't realize I posted this under Patrick's profile. Sorry husband. You put up with a lot, but I won't make you take the fall for all this emotion :)