When I'm critical of criticism

I'm bombarded with criticism all over the internet right now. People are upset about Paris (and rightfully so!), but others are critical of the France flag superimposed on the FB profile pictures. I read how some are more upset about Paris than Kenya, and still more are critical about how some lives are valued more than others. Can I just suggest something?

Can we take a step back? Just stop. And breathe.

Consider this prospective: we are all one humanity. We all live here on the Earth together. And whether you like it or not, that's the reality.

But all this criticism is getting out of hand. And maybe it's really showcased right now because of all the presidential debates that are going on. She said this. He proposes this. Obama is an awful president. I mean come on. Is anyone else sick of this? No, just me? You think it's just politics, but I think this mindset has seeped into the depths of our society. And criticism is quickly becoming hate. Now people are talking about blocking refugees. Criticism...hate. Just like that. Man, that was quick.

I think it's important to think for yourself critically. I do. I also think it's very important to take a look at why you individually, act or say what you do. But at some point grace needs to enter the scene. No more opinions, let's be gracious. I mean, really. At some point we need to say, I'm going to not be an angry person. I'm not going to act out of fear (that's really what I believe this is). Instead I'm going to *do* something (emphasis on the action of this word) that will benefit another human being that I live with on this earth. Stop making it about you. Stop saying me me me. I read an article that said someone compared the Paris attacks to climate change. Why? Why are we making an event of people's lives about our soapbox? That's enough with the criticism of everything. It's one thing if you're seeking just-thinking and encouraging equality. It's completely another when you bash people to get your point across. And just stop putting a population in a box. Stop saying we have to shut down the country, build a wall, be it literal or figurative to protect ourselves from "the enemy." No wall is going to protect you. It's not. I'm sorry, but you are not safe from terrorists. Do you really think cutting off refugees is going to help? Let me ask you a serious question...what experience do you have in fleeing a life-threatening situation? None? That's what I thought. I have no personal experience, but here's something you probably didn't know about me-my extended family has fled dangerous situations to preserve their lives, and haven't always been successful. I don't really want to go into details, because I don't want a pity party. But I do want to say until you know what it's like to have your fingers cut off, literally, tortured, children held for ransom, you don't really know what these people are going through. Just imagine for a moment-your life is at stake, and the country that offers freedom and piece of mind-they just said, "Nope, not here."

This world is not getting better. I know that the media broadcasts only the negative and positive happens daily all over the place without recognition. But maybe we don't add to the already negative world? Maybe the change starts within yourself. Because this toxic way of thinking you have to be on the opposite line from your neighbor--that's how the hatred starts. So quit with the criticism, and quit acting out of fear. Leave a little space, take pause to really consider what you're doing.

I have to believe in the goodness of humankind. I have to. I guess I just yearn for the day that goodness peeks through more than the darkness. I look forward to that day indeed.

I actually don't love you.

Those were the words that came out of my 3 year olds mouth yesterday, "I actually don't love you." I know it was bound to come one day, but I wasn't really prepared for it to be so soon.

Denzel and I have not been seeing eye to eye. That's really the nice version. It feels like there's an ongoing battle in my home with him. I'm sure if I talked to or observed other homes with three year olds I wouldn't feel so bad. But because he's my first, it feels like a lot to me. A lot of whining. A lot of crying. A lot of doing exactly what I asked him not to do. A lot of pushing limits. A lot of stuff I can't handle after being on vacation and coming home to all three other family members being sick (the boys and Patrick, thankfully I'm still healthy). And if there's one thing that gets me every time, it's his high-pitched voice whining about taking the apple skin off. I paid a lot of money for that organic apple skin! Or asking why he can't touch his sick brother's face. That's how you two got sick to begin with! I can't stand the whining and crying.

So yesterday we were at it again. I say we because I understand I have a part in this too. I know I could try to be more patient. In the moment, that is not how I feel though. So we fight, and quickly I change my attitude. Then it's something new. We make up. And something new again. It's constant. Last night he was in bed and I was explaining something to him and he said softly, "I don't like you." Then whispered, "I don't love you."

::Insert dagger in heart here:: I looked at him and said, "Denzel, I know you and I aren't getting along sometimes. You get frustrated because I tell you not to do something, and I get angry when you don't listen to me. But no matter how angry I get or how frustrated you get, we always love each other. Okay?" He looked at me and said, "k." I gave him a big hug and said goodnight, and that I loved him. Then I walked out.

I all but bawled when I walked out of his room. I didn't let him see how hurt I was, but that is maybe the deepest wound a person has ever inflicted on me. I think I could have let it bounce off easier if he said it in anger. If he had yelled that he hated me, somehow that would be more typical? But it wasn't that. He spoke his mind, and it was very matter of fact. He even whispered it. I came out and told Patrick what had happened, and how hurt I was. He went in there and talked to Denzel for a while. Then D came and said, "Mommy, I actually love you." I had to laugh because he says "actually" in every sentence these days, and this time it sounded particularly funny. We made up and were good for the night. And I still love my boy.

There's something incredible about the love between a mom and her child. And I feel like I got a glimpse, albeit very small glimpse, of how God feels when I don't love him. I kept thinking, "I do so much for him. I'd give my own life for that child. He has no idea how much he's hurting me right now." Of course the Lord knows what I'm feeling. Jesus already gave his life for me. And I still do my own thing. I still choose with my actions to say I actually don't love you.

Parenting is hard. And I wonder if God allows us to be parents to more fully understand the relationship He has with us. So I'll try to remember that the next time he kicks the soccer ball in the house and hits his brother--that if I could extend mercy to my son, as it's been done for me, we'd all be better off.

Faithful

I'm not sure why I've be blessed with remarkable people as friends. I really don't. I don't feel deserving of their friendship, because so much of the time I feel like I take and have basically nothing to give, nothing to even offer. My friend Gina is one of those remarkable people. This woman and her whole family reached out to us when we first moved to Lakewood. They brought us dinner, and our house was full of boxes. Her youngest and my oldest were in the same kids class at church, and I was immediately drawn to her beautiful spirit. So gentle, so authentic, so joyful. I really think that God's beauty has so consumed her life that she was actually more beautiful on the outside too. We got to know each other more and more, and I was so inspired by her steadfastness. We connected on other things too, like eating well, being well, essential oils, clothes, tacos :) Gina and her husband adopted all three of their girls, so of course we connected in that way since I worked in adoptions. Their stories were all so incredible--stories of faith, stories of God's provision poured out for the two of them. Well, Gina's story of God's provision isn't over.

A few months ago, Gina was diagnosed with breast cancer. When she told me, I was in shock. One of the healthiest people I know--she ran marathons, was fit, into the natural stuff--she had breast cancer. It didn't make any sense to me. I think my mind couldn't make sense of it, and only considered the "health" aspect because recently I've been so consumed with eating healthy, getting toxins out of our house, etc. But my assumptions, which were clearly wrong and ignorant, turned into deep sadness. Why cancer, Lord? Why Gina?

We had an incredible conversation before she went for her first week of treatment. After much research, prayer and seeking God's wisdom, Gina found a different path to pursue treatment of this cancer. Of course it isn't covered by insurance, but they were still going to do it--somehow, God would provide.

Gina travels every week to Arizona for her treatment. After a handful of days she travels back to be at home with her beautiful family. The weight of the travel each week, of feeling tired and fatigued, hair loss, etc. would be too much for anyone. Here's the remarkable part--in every struggle I have witnessed remarkable faith. In her small little body, the faith that moves mountains and heals, the faith that leads others back to God--that faith, oozes out of her. When I look at Gina, I see incredible endurance, strength and a steadfast spirit that praises the Lord, no matter the circumstance. That to me is utterly remarkable. And it's not that she hasn't cried, that she hasn't felt defeat, or like her body can't keep up 100% of the time. She's human. But hear me, her faith is awesome. 

I don't naturally have faith like that. I don't. When a crappy situation comes, my initial reaction is to be angry at God. To question His will, His intentions. But I am a learner, and Gina--whether she knows it or not (she will after I post this :) has taught me that God is good amidst the storm. I have grown a lot in the past couple of years, and my realization of that is tangible because I'm staring at that phrase "God is good" and I feel it in my body. God is good, period. I don't have answers for the struggles we face in this world. But dear Jesus, you. are. good. 

People have really come around the Reeves family to support them, but the thing they're needing right now is financial support. Check out her story here. God is good, and he will supply my beautiful friend and her family with all that they need. I believe that 100%. 

This song just came on my Pandora station, and wow, I think it so appropriate.

You are faithful, God you are faithful.

Thank you Lord, for this incredible person you've put in my life. And I thank you even more that her faith is so powerful, it has taught me and sparked the desire in me to be closer to You, Jesus. Heal your daughter, Gina. Refresh her spirit, bring sustaining energy and rest to her family. Love her precious little girls as they process this and walk through their own struggles in seeing their mommy fight for healing. Give Paul endurance, strength, wisdom, and love as he faithfully supports his wife. And Lord, may you continue to be praised. You are faithful. You are good. In Jesus name, Amen.

Remarkable

I've been in a really neat place recently. Not like Hawaii or anything. I mean, psychologically I've been in a very positive place. I've been incredibly grateful for most everything in my life recently. Almost like my eyes have been opened to how blessed I really am. And I hate the word blessed because it's so overused, but let's be honest, the word is absolutely appropriate when I talk about my husband.

I actually just googled blessed and the definition states "made holy." So appropriate to describe Patrick right now, made holy. There's something you should know about my husband--he is one of the most remarkable human beings I've had the honor of knowing. Seriously. He innately desires to grow as a person and in his own character...so he does. He pursues personal growth because he wants to. He enjoys keeping up with current events, and comes alive with making injustice right in the world. He loves our boys unlike any dad I've ever seen. I mean, he doesn't just parent how he was parented. That's what everyone does. Not him. Patrick does intense research on the best possible approach, and incorporates it almost daily. He has more patience that ANY single person I've ever known, hands down. Seriously, when I just can't be patient with kids anymore, he steps in, and it's like they get a clean slate and fresh perspective after mom is burned out. Recently, he's had a good amount of stress at work, and started bringing it home with him. We talked about it...okay...I told him about it...and rather than becoming defensive or resent me, he made a huge effort to change...immediately. This is no joke. Do you know how hard it is to just change? Boom. Just like that. We've been barely keeping our relationship afloat in these past...6 months, just with all the stress of work, having a new baby, managing two kids (which I swear, I could write a book about now!)--it's really been a lot for us both. And of course we spend very little time together, alone, without children. But we talked about how much we desire for that to change. And you know what? He's really the one that has changed, not me. He cares that much. For me, for our relationship, to change immediately. The last thing I'm thinking about is a little silly, but let's be honest, attractiveness is important. Patrick has been wearing his glasses again recently, and I think he's sexy. I don't know if I like men in glasses, or if they just compliment his face that much, all I know is he is particularly attractive these days, and I like it. So yeah, my husband needs a shout out. Because everyone needs to be affirmed in the strengths they posses. It just happens that I married a man with mostly strengths :)

I love you, Patrick, and thank you. Thank you for being remarkable and uniquely you.

As a mom...

As a mom

I love every dirty fingernail,
deformed toenail,
and pointy ears that prove you both belong to me

As a mom

I worry about you constantly
dream about what you'll be like daily
and beg time to slow down with each birthday

As a mom
I feel guilt when you eat fast food
Smile when you ask if green beans are a treat
And can't help but laugh when you say "I'm very full, can I have a cookie?"

As a mom
I'll happily put you before me
Wish I had more alone time with Daddy
But think about you constantly when you're gone

As a mom
I spend hours upon hours of research on the best education
for you
Ensure you empathize with others
And teach you to care for anything smaller than yourself

As a mom
I want nothing more than you to know God
See you grow up to be incredible men
And get anxious about thinking someday we won't live under the same roof

As a mom
I wonder what your story will be
Ponder who you're becoming

and am so encouraged with your character already

As a mom
I desire nothing more than you looking at me as you nurse
Feel at peace when I hold you, sleeping
Wish I could put the feeling in a jar to keep for later

As a mom
I want to protect you from the world
But know that's not how it works
and let you experience life

As a mom
I let you take risks
Even when everything in me shouts, "NO!"
Because that's how you grow

As a mom
I get frustrated when you don't listen
Sometimes I want to scream, or
Wish I could cry with you

As a mom
I will always love you
No matter the circumstance
Until the day I die

You both made me a mom. It's part of my identity now, and what an incredible blessing and honor it is to be your parent. I love you with all that's in me. That is where you started out, after all :)

~Mom

My life, then and now

Then:

1. Clean house

2. Quality activities for children that don't involve TV

3. Enjoy a nice meal at a hip new restaurant

4. Invite friends over for a lovely bottle of wine and specialty cheeses

5. On the weekends: in bed whenever I want, wake up whenever I want

6. Go see a musical, play, concert, show, really anything I want with Patrick, and whenever I want.

7. Stare lovingly into Patrick's eyes.

8. "Do" my hair (blow dry, curl w/curling iron, scrunch with product, half up, etc.)

9. Lay out to tan, talk with friends, enjoy the beach

10. No time to think about priorities in life

Now:

1. Make sure there's not so much dog hair on the floor that the baby will inhale and get lungs full of yellow lab fur. But some is okay.

2. Any activity that doesn't result in a trip to the ER is a good activity.

3. Make sure my 3 year old eats a full meal, there's enough room to nurse my 3 month old...wait, everyone's done and I haven't eaten? Eh, take my food to go.

4. "Daddy, can I smell your wine?" (Do we drink that much that my preschooler knows you smell wine before you drink it??! Not sure if I should be appalled, or proud.)

5. Put one kid to sleep at 7:30pm, then get up with him at 7:32pm because he has to go potty, then at 7:41pm he needs a drink of water, start dozing off at 8:30pm, put the other one down at 9pm when you realize you are both asleep now, go to the bathroom, start brushing your teeth, sing to the first one because he woke up and was afraid of the dark, climb into bed, nurse the second one because he faked you out and wasn't really ready to go down for the night, bring him into bed while he plays and looks at the fan and you fall asleep, put him back in bed at midnight, then you go back to bed...wake up at 6am to feed him again, put him back to bed, then you go back to bed...barely open your eyes and scream because your 3 year old is inches from your face and you were dead asleep...start the day with a heart attack at 7am.

6. Go see a Pentatonix concert that was planned weeks ago. Then plan your next date night for next year.

7. What color are his eyes again? "Hey hun, can you grab me another diaper?"

8. "Do" my hair (wash all the baby spit up out of it, brush, leave the house, air dry, forget about it until baby spits up again, or pulls a big chunk of hair out)

9. Sunblock the kids constantly, keep sand out of their mouths, eyes, ears...or not...go home and realize you didn't put sunblock on yourself, and get a nice tank top-shaped burn.

10. Relish every moment.

My life looks incredibly different right now, compared to what it was. But I actually have the time to enjoy what I've been blessed with. Some days its extremely hard, and emotionally taxing, but when I let go of the "perfect" life, I start to enjoy my messy one a whole lot more. And if you wanna know a secret...I think a little mess is good for everyone. Lucky for me, I was given a great big portion! :)

Sleep

Sleep. Probably the one thing that each of my family members is the worst at. Well, maybe I should clarify-we all have really "off" sleeping patterns and habits, and it's made our family dynamic...let's just say, less than stellar :) I just read an article from my USC alumni magazine about the sleep research they're heading up right now, and it became quite clear to me (again), that our approach to sleep needs to change, like, yesterday.

Me
Let's start with me, that's a great place to start. I'm a really light sleeper. It serves me well when taking care of my new little guy, because I can hear when he's wrestling around in bed next to me and wants to eat. I can get him up before his eyes are even opened, nurse him, and put him back to sleep instantly after he's done eating. And lucky for me, he typically sleeps through the night. Thank you Lord Jesus for that gift! Now, when Denzel wakes up at night, which is several times a night recently, my sleep is almost always disturbed. So being a light sleeper there is not so good. I also notice that the crack of light that comes in from my shade hits my eyes directly where I sleep if I'm on my right side. Something as small as a beam of light wakes me. My buzzing phone wakes me. My husband wakes me. The dog wakes me. Ev-ery-thing disturbs my sleep. Plus I'm guilty of screen time before bed-really bad for you.

Patrick
Next, we move on to Patrick. Patrick's sleep is about as bad as I've ever heard from anyone. He was recently diagnosed with two forms of sleep apnea. So not only does he struggle to sleep because of our children, he struggles because his airway is obstructed, or his brain literally does not tell his lungs to take in air. Scary right?! For as long as I've known him, he's been this way. I recall a few times, when we first met, when we would be cuddling on the couch, and I have my head on his chest ::insert your own aww here:: and he would stop breathing. Then all of a sudden, GASP! So he's had this a while. Only recently have we found out that's kind of a big deal. And thank goodness, we're working on taking care of that. As if he didn't already have a sleep disadvantage, his job requires his sleep to be so sporadic, that there's no hope for him ever having a "typical" nights' sleep. Recently he's been working out in the field more which means: early start time (3am and later), crazy end time (5pm, 6pm, overnight, to the next morning), and every Sunday he's gone out on a job that's overnight. It might be better if there was always a start time of 3am, but it's never consistent among jobs. It's always different, and sometimes even changes after the job has already begun, for various reasons. Wait, it gets better. He doesn't just work and go home. It's his family business that he pours his heart into, his time into, and that's a lot of weight that translates to poor sleep. Technology though, is constantly on at night with him. And I just read that screens really ruin your sleep if you're on them before bed.

Denzel
It took me a while to figure out where to start with this kid. His schedule has been off since the birth of his baby brother (and by off I just mean I'm pretty sure this is typical? I sure hope it is.) Denzel has gone through phases anywhere from one day to weeks and months of things that disturb his sleep. Instead of explain them all, I'll just list them...and probably cry or laugh after the list is complete...

-scared of the dark
-scared of monsters
-scared of ANYTHING you can think of (and things you'd never guess like talking-sometimes he asks us to whisper)
-potty training
-toys falling out of his bed wakes him
-he has bad dreams
-he wakes up several times at night
-he's hungry
-I'm pretty sure there were two growth spurts in the past 3 months
-he needs more water
-he hits his head on the wall, his bed, or a book, a hard toy
-he "hurts" himself, there's "blood" and he needs a "bandaid" (all in quotes because he says all that constantly, but is actually obsessed with bandaids-but most often doesn't need one)
-he wants to sleep somewhere other than his bed
-he typically takes several hours to fall asleep (usually in bed at 7:30, and doesn't fall asleep before 10pm most nights)

Holy cow, I'm just going to stop there. Denzel is definitely one of the bigger causes of the rest of us not sleeping. I hate to pin it on him, but he's a handful lately when it comes to sleep. The crazy thing is he wakes up like nothing happened. Oh child.

Emerson
After about 3 weeks old, Emerson was sleeping 6 hour stretches at night without eating, and then he'd wake every 2 hours or so after that. Every parents dream. But it's even better now. Okay...don't hate me if you've just had a kid...now, he has slept on a couple of occasions for 11+ hours at night. If it's pretty quiet and dark, he can fall asleep from 9pm (all the way up to 12am) and not wake up until 9am! One morning I nursed him around 6am and he didn't wake up until 10:45am! And of course he sleeps semi-randomly during the day, as any 3 month old does.

Kiri, the dog
Kiri sleeps pretty well, and she doesn't really cause any grief for the rest of us. Except on the occasion that she barks at something, or is barking in her sleep. She usually wakes someone up then. And it's usually Denzel. She's also a huge distraction for Denzel when he's scared, she sleeps in his room, then he plays with her.

So there you go, put 4 wackos in a house together with a dog that loves squirrels and you have an average of NO SLEEP.

But starting tonight, we implement the new sleeping plan. Here are the new rules, and I'm sure we'll make some more as we keep up with this:

1. All creatures go to bed by 10pm, no matter whether you are 26" tall or 5'9".
2. No screens at said bed time. No screens in bed AT ALL, except for setting alarms. Bed shall be thus forth, sacred space for closing the eyes.
3. Children shall be in bed by 8pm. I'd love to make it earlier but I'm being realistic.
4. Children shall not have any screen time in the afternoon.
5. Once a child is in bed, he stays in bed. The only exception is to go potty.

Last night we sort of tried this, and every rule was broken. Tonight mama is going to be firm on the rules. It's 9:04 and so far, so good...although there have been several requests for water...wish us luck!